The Weakest Link: The Lost Edition
by HeavensNight
Summary: Our Losties go head to head in THE WEAKEST LINK! Hosted by the one and only Anne Robinson. Oh my lord.. I updated! Read the next chapter here!
1. Meet the contestants

**Anne Robinson: **Hello and welcome to the _LOST _edition of, "THE WEAKEST LINK".

_Dun dun dun DUN!_

**Anne Robinson: **So, let's meet the contestants.

_DUNNNNN!_

**Kate: **I'm.. Kate. I'm twenty eight, I've lived pretty much everywhere and I'm a fugi-- I mean, I'm unemployed.

**Jack:** I'm Jack Shephard, or Doctor Shephard. I'm in my mid-thirties, I live in Los Angeles and I'm a Spinal surgeon.

**Juliet:** Hi, I'm Juliet. I live on an island in the middle of nowhere, and I'm about.. fourty. And I'm a doctor, I think.

**Boone:** Hey, I'm Boone, I work for my mother, and I have a crush on my younger sister.

**Ana-Lucia**: Yo. I'm Ana-Lucia, and I'll kick your ass if you say anything about me, Anne.

**Michael:** I don't even know how I ended up on dis show, man! I was just lookin' for ma' damn kid.. WAAAAALLLTTTTTTTTT!!!!!

**Eko:** Hello. I am Mistah Eko. ... That's all.

**Shannon: **I'm Shannon and I didn't have time to put any make-up on!

**Libby: **I'm Libby and I want to talk to your shoulder.

**Nikki:** ...Ok. I'm Nikki, I'm hot, I'm single, and if you get with me I'll give you a fair share of the diamonds.

**Paulo:** Nikki! FGS!

**Nikki:** Can it Paulo!

**Sawyer:** Hey ya'll, I'm Sawyer, from Tennessee, and I.. what Kate said.

**Desmond**: Hi, brutha. Ah don't noe wut to say, brutha.

**Sayid: **Greetings. I am Sayid Jarrah. I fought in the Gulf War, and I have a fetish for young skinny blonde women.

**Shannon:** faints

**Charlie:** Youuuuu allllll everybodaayyyyyy!

**Jin:** Choo see mwahi? (made up Korean)

**Sun:** Ignore him, he's a beep retard.

**Jin:** Chi sum wahi?!

**Claire:** Um, hey. I'm Claire.. AND SHE TOOK MY BAAAYBBEEEEEYYY!!!!

**Danielle: **The Others.. THEY'RE HERE!!

**Locke: **We need to go back to the island!!

**Ben:** After the show, John.

**Hurley:** Dudes..

_DUNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Whatever the beep that was.. It's time for round one of! The WEAKEST LINK! We'll start with Jack because he's a sexy ass muthaphuka.

_Dun dun dun DUN!_

**Anne: **Jack, are you planning to impregnate Juliet?

**Jack: **Fuck yes!

**Anne: **Wrong the answer was no (Impregnating-Kate-Instead)

**Juliet: **Jack? I thought we had something special together! That kiss in the finale.. you saw Kate's face! Wiped the grin straight off her face.

**Kate: **Want me to dislocate your shoulder again bitch?

**Anne: **Kate, what was Ben's alias in Series 2?

**Kate: **Henry Gale!

**Anne: **That's correct. Shannon..

**Shannon: **BANK!

**Anne: **..what is the capital of France?

**Shannon: **BANK! No, wait! I know it! It's BERLIN! IT'S BERRRRLIIINNNN!

**Anne: **The correct answer was Paris. And you spent a YEAR in PARIS!

**Shannon: **Yeahh drinking NOT studying!

**Anne: **Locke, during Series ONE you had a creepy vision inwhich you were bound in a wheelchair and Boone was there saying something. What WAS he saying??

**Locke: **Umm.. Pass.

**Boone: **_Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs.._

**Anne: **Jin, in what series did Claire give birth to her baby?

**Jin: **Oochi walla yingha?

**Anne: **No. Why the beep are you even on this show?! Juliet, are you pissed off at Jack atm?

**Juliet: **YES!!!

**Anne: **That's correct. Ana-Lucia, did you screw Sawyer in Series two?

**Ana-Lucia: **...Ummm..

**Anne: **The correct answer was 'yes'. Hurley..

**Nikki: **Well, atleast she got some action.

_A while later..._

**Anne: **Hurley, what was the name of the song that you were listening to at the end of episode three in Series 1?

**Hurley: **Wash Away by Joe Purdy!

**Anne: **Correct. Desmond..

**Desmond: **Bank, brutha.

**Anne: **Desmond, after the show I think you and I should---

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Times up! And you managed to bank a measley £200! Who's game is up? Who needs to go back to the hatch? Who thinks Shannon looks a sight without makeup?

**Shannon: **Hey!

**Anne: **It's time to vote off -- The WEAKEST LINK.

**Voice-Over The Previously On Lost Guy: **_Kate is the strongest link having answered the most questions correctly. Shannon is the weakest link. But how will the voting go?_

_Dun dun dun DUNNNN!_

**Kate: **Shannon.

**Jack: **Shannon.

**Juliet: **KATE!

**Boone: **Juliet.

**Ana-Lucia: **Shannon.

**Michael: **Shannon.

**Eko: **Shannon.

**Shannon: **Pff, you losers.. Boone!

**Libby: **Sawyer.

**Nikki: **Shannon. Bwahaha!

**Sawyer: **Freckles.

**Desmond: **Shannon, brutha.

**Sayid: **Shannon.

**Charlie: **Shannon. Lovely legs though...

**Jin: **Ichi woo ha! WALT! OTHERS!

**Sun: **He means Shannon. Shannon for me, too.

**Claire: **Shannon.. soz girlfriend.

**Danielle: **BEN!!! HE TOOK MY ALEX!!!

**Locke: **It's time to let the past go bitch. Shannon!

**Ben: **Shannon!

**Hurley: **Shannon. Dude.

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Juliet, why Kate?

**Juliet: **I don't like the way she's looking at Jack.

**Anne: **So you and Jack are a couple now?

**Juliet: **We've had a couple of one night stands, But I wouldn't say we were an official couple.

**Anne: **Interesting.. Boone, why Juliet?

**Boone: **I couldn't exactly vote off my own sister, She'd claw my eyes out!

**Anne: **I saw in Series 1 you went all the way with Shannon. That was hot.

**Boone: **Yeah bbz.

**Anne: **Well Shannon, you are the weakest link, Goodbye!

_DDDDDDUUUUNNNNNN¬!_

**Shannon: **What the fuck! Why are you doing this to me? Boone! Boone! You fucking retard!

_Shannon is dragged off the set kicking and screaming_

_Backstage_

**Shannon: **So I thought the capital of France was Berlin! What do you expect out of me?? Haven't you ever watched the show??

_END OF ROUND ONE_

_HOPE YOU LIKED IT :)_


	2. Nikki shows signs of being moronic

**Anne Robinson: **And now it's time for Round TWO of.. "THE WEAKEST LINK".

_Dun dun dun DUN!_

**Anne Robinson: **During the last round... Where is Nikki?

**Boone: **She uh, went to do her make-up..

**Anne: **Curses!

**Ana-Lucia:** Are we gonna do this?

**Paulo:** Stfu biatch. Wait 'til my girl get's back from the bathroom.

**Desmond:** Aye, brutha, Aye.

**Nikki:** "returns from the bathroom" Hey ya'll! Sorry i'm late. Are we on the air yet?

**Anne:** Yes.

**Nikki:** Ah.

**Anne:** Oh enough of this bull, it's time for round two of! The Weakest Link!

_DUN DUN!_

**Anne:** Libby, what did Charlie refer to Eko's large stick as?

**Libby**: Uuuumm...

**Charlie:** "mouthing" _Jesus stick! JESUS STICK!_

**Libby:** Cheese sick?

**Anne:** No, the correct answer was "Jesus Stick".

**Libby:** Damn..

**Anne:** Sun, inwhich episode did you finally start speaking English?

**Sun**: ...In Translation!

**Anne: **That's correct. Hurley..

**Hurley**: Dude, you rock! I mean, bank.

**Anne**: Hurley, before Libby met her end at the hands of Michael, were you in love with her?

**Hurley**: Na dude! It was all for the camera's! We're _just friends!_

**Anne:** Incorrect.

**Libby:** I knew it all along!

**Hurley**: Thanks, Anne.

**Anne: **Nikki, what was the name of the show you starred in for a short period of time, a little while before you bumped off your lover infact, in Sydney Australia?

**Nikki:** That would be Days of our Lives. I mean That 70's Show! I mean LOST!

**Anne:** The correct answer was _"Expose"._

**Nikki:** I was so close..

**Anne:** Desmond..

**Desmond:** Aye, brutha. I mean, sista. I mean brutha.

**Anne:** Des, you met a strange old woman in one of your flashback episodes. She predicted that a man wearing sneakers would die, and he did.

**Desmond:** Aye. Shame, that was like, brutha.

**Anne:** Yes, quite. But what colour were those sneakers?

**Desmond: **They were red like, brutha. Aye, they were red.

**Anne:** Correct. Michael..

**Michael**: Bank!

**Anne:** What was the name of Charlie's band in Lost?

**Michael:** Uuumm.. You all, You're all.. Uumm.. it started with 'You All'.. Man, Walt would know about this shit! WWWWAAAALLLTTTTT!

**Ben:** Keep it down over there!

**Anne:** Incorrect, Michael. The correct answer was 'Driveshaft'.

**Charlie:** Bloody pillock.

_Later..._

**Anne:** Ben, is Juliet a natural blonde?

**Ben:** "looks at Juliet" Ofc! I asked her that a short while after she first got to the island.

**Anne:** Incorrect, she was once a red head.

**Ben:** All this time and you never told me?! You KNOW how I feel about red heads Juliet!

**Juliet:** I was scared, okay? I was scared!

**Anne:** Jack...

_Dun dun dun DUNNNNN!_

Anne: Times up, and you banked a rubbish £200! Who's had their chips? Who's blown it already? It's time to vote off--- THE WEAKEST LINK!

_Dun dun dun DUNNNNN!_

**Voice-Over The Previously On Lost Guy: **_Sun is the strongest link, having answered the most questions correctly. Sawyer is the weakest link. But how will the voting go?_

_Dun dun dun DUNNNN!_

**Kate: **Michael.

**Jack:** Michael.

**Juliet:** _B-Ben._

**Boone:** Danielle.

**Ana-Lucia**: Sawyer.

**Michael:** Kate, wutchoo' doin' maan? WALT! I mean-- Nikki.

**Eko:** Danielle.

**Libby:** Michael. That bastard shot me!

**Nikki**: Michael.

**Sawyer:** Sorry Hoss. Michael.

**Desmond:** Michael, brutha. It ain' personal, brutha.

**Sayid:** Danielle.

**Charlie:** Danielle!

**Jin: **Michael?

**Sun:** Danielle.

**Claire:** Michael.

**Locke:** Danielle

**Ben:** Danielle.

**Hurley: **Michael. Hear hear Libby! Dude!

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **So, we have a tie between Danielle and Michael. Sun, as you're the strongest link it's up to you to choose who goes this round.

**Sun: **Hmm.. I'm just going to confer with myself for a moment.. Sun, the french woman took Claire's baby! Aaron! You can't possibly side with her! _Yes, but Michael DID shoot Libby and Ana-Lucia.. _But that's not the point! Danielle is clearly insane! Barmy! Cuckoo! She TALKS to herself, for god's sake!

-By now everyone is staring at Sun, clearly alarmed-

**Hurley: **Sun, dude.. you got some Arzt on you..

**Sun: **-looks-

**Hurley: **Made you look! Made you look! Ha ha! You.. beautiful Korean, woman. Dude.

**Anne: **Please decide now, Sun.

**Sun: **Anne, I'm going to stick with Danielle.

**Danielle: **The Others.. they whisper..

**Anne: **Danielle! You ARE the Weakest Link, goodbye.

_DDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!_

-Danielle walks slowly off the set looking around wide-eyed-

_Backstage_

**Danielle: **-sits looking bewildered-

**Random Person: **Danielle? Do you.. who do you think will win?

**Danielle: **Alex.


	3. Locke shows physical ability

**Anne: **Right, it's time for round THREE of "THE WEAKEST LINK". Lost version, that is.

**Desmond: **Aye, right on, brutha!

**Anne: **Now..

-a door bursts open, and in walks John Locke. He is badly bruised and bleeding. He staggers up to them.-

**Locke: **I'm.. I'm sorry.. I'm late..

**Nikki: **OK!! OK!! WE NEED TO GET JACK!! LIKE, RIGHT NOW!! GET JACK!!

**Paulo: **He's two feet away from you, Nikki.

**Nikki: **I DON'T CARE! GET - JACK!!

**Jack: **Oh, for the love of Christ.

-Jack marches over to Locke, and looks him straight in the eye.-

**Jack: -**speaking in the strange stupid voice as usual and breathing abnormally- Where, _were _you, John?

**Locke: **I don't think that's any of your concern, Jack. But I'll tell you anyway. I don't know.. I don't know how I got out alive..

**Kate: **John, what happened?

**Sawyer: **Yeah Mr.Clean, where the hell you been at?

**Locke: **I got in some trouble.

**Jack: **Let me guess, with the ISLAND?

**Locke: **No.. no, not the island.

**Ana-Lucia: **Can we leave this til later? I wanna win some fricking money!

**Sawyer: **Cool it Hot Lips.

**Ana-Lucia: **Shut up Redneck.

**Sawyer: **That the best you can do??

**Boone: **C'mon guys..

**Sawyer: **Stay outta this Metro!

**Boone: **Wait.. de ja vu?

**Anne: **John, tell us what happened.

-Locke looks a them, and then looks up..-

_WWWHHHIIIRRRRRRRRR!_

**Locke: **Hey!

**Extra: **..Oh, hi John.

**Locke: **Say sonny, think you could give me a ride? I'm late for The Weakest Link, it's a gameshow in England. Anyway, I've been waiting for this for months and now I've lost my ride as they seem to have forgotten about me. So, I was just wondering if you could help me out.

**Extra: **Sorry, John.

**Locke: **_Excuse _me?

**Extra: **I can't give you a ride.

**Locke: **_Excuse ME?_

**Extra: **What are you, The Warden? I SAID, NO.

**Locke: **Don't start with me..

**Extra: **You think just because you're Mister JOHN LOCKE and we Extras just sit around doing nothing, that you're better than us?

**Locke: **Shut up!

**Extra: **_Shut up! _Wow, I'm scared! You may get paid a lot more than us, John, but it doesn't make you any better than us. What makes you think you can go to all the award ceremonies and act all big and stuff? We MAKE the show. Without us, there'd just be you guys running around looking stupid!

**Locke: **Okay sonny, you asked for it..

**Extra: **Bring it on, Hoss!

_WWWWHHHIRRRRRRR!_

-they all stare at him, hardly daring to believe that Locke could ever be the physical type. nikki, being the air-head that she is, decides to say something completely inappropriate.-

**Nikki: **Well, I guess everybody could do with some pancakes right about now. Want me to make some pancakes? I make the BEST pancakes.

-silence-

**Sawyer: **Or we could just.. shoot you.

**Anne: **Moving along, it's time for Round--

**Locke: **Where's Danielle? And Shannon?

**Michael: **They got voted off, man.

**Locke: **Voted.. off?

**Libby: **Yeah, you stand up, answer a bunch of questions and at the end of it you have to vote off the person you thought answered the least amount of questions correctly.

**Jin: **Cha vu ha li wahi. Monstah. Walt!

**Hurley: **Dude! This is getting confusing.

**Juliet: **Jack, I'm bored of this now. You wanna go make out over there?

**Anne: **MOVING ALONG, it's time for ROUND THREE! Locke, get to your place and shut up! The rest of you, keep quiet. Or I won't be responsible for my actions.

**Sun: **Wow, she's worse than the Others.

**Claire: **You're telling me..

_Dun dun dun DUNNNNNN¬!_

**Anne: **Right, we'll start with the strongest link from the last round. That's you, Sun. Okay, it's time to play, THE WEAKEST LINK.

_Dun dun dun DUNNNNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Sun, who kidnapped you in Series 2?

**Sun: **That would be.. Charlie! -gives Charlie an evil look-

**Charlie: **-whimpers-

**Anne: **Correct. Nikki, what is the name of Walt's dog?

**Nikki: **Vince Vaughan!

**Anne: **Abysmal, Nikki.

**Nikki: **Thanks Anne!

**Anne: **Sawyer, did I have a face lift?

**Sawyer: **Pretty sure you did, Sweet Cheeks.

**Anne: -**giggles- Well, yes, I did. So that's correct. Sawyer, you're such a big strong handsome man.. -Ahem- Moving on. Claire, in what episode was Danielle's first appearance?

**Claire: **I think it was Solitary.

**Anne: **Correct. Michael..

**Locke: **BANK!

-everyone turns to look at Locke-

**Kate: **Locke honey, you have to wait your turn, okay? It's Michaels turn to answer the question.

**Locke: **Kate, don't you DARE tell me what I can and can't do. EVER!

**Ben: **Quiet down Locke, or I'll have to make a few calls to the island about your current physical condition..

**Locke: **OKAY! ALRIGHT! I'LL STOP! I WON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN! DON'T YOU DARE, BEN! DON'T YOU DARE!

**Anne: **Michael, how old is your son?

**Michael: **Nine. Ten. He's ten.

**Anne: **I'll have to go with the first answer..

**Michael: **-lots of cursing-

**Anne: **Ben, Are you a Jater, a Skater, or a Jacket fan?

**Ben: **That creep isn't good enough for Juliet! She's my bitch.

**Juliet: **He's lying, there's nothing between us. Never will be, I'm Jack's lover now.

**Jack: **-looks positively awkward-

**Kate: **-sniggers-

**Juliet: **Something to say bitch? HUH? SOMETHING TO SAAAAAY?

**Kate: **Yeah, I've got a few things to say to you, you little--

_Dun dun dun DUNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Times up, and you banked £200. Honestly, whoever wins this isn't going to be winning much..

**Juliet: **After the show, Kate, after the show.

**Kate: **BRRRRINNGGG it on biatchhh!

**Paulo: **Could you girls possibly roll around on the floor trying to rip eachother's clothes off? Please?

**Nikki: **_Paulo!_

**Anne: **Oh, for god's sake..

**Ben: **Right on, Paulo.

**Anne: **It's time to vote off, THE WEAKEST LINK!

_Dun dun dun DUNNNNNNNNN!_

**Previously On Lost Guy: **_I've lost track of who's winning so.._

_Dun dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNN!_

**Kate: **That blonde bitch over there.

**Libby: **Hey!

**Kate: **I meant Juliet.

**Libby: **Still, what a thing to say..

**Jack: **Can I just vote both of them off? They're really starting to piss me off. Fine, Kate. As Juliet'll probably kill me if I vote her off..

**Juliet: **Well, ya'll KNOW who I'm voting off. KATE!

**Boone: **Umm.. S-Sayid?

**Ana-Lucia: **Sawyer, 'cuz he keeps givin' me lip.

**Sawyer: **What about your lips, _Hot Lips?_

**Ana-Lucia: **That's it..

**Michael: **Uh, Sawyer. Sorry, man.

**Eko: **Michael.

**Locke: **Jack.

**Libby: **Kate.

**Nikki: **Wait, what's his name again? The bald guy.

**Sawyer: **Hot Lips!

**Desmond: **Sayid, brutha.

**Sayid: **What have I done to be voted off?! I can't remember even answering any questions!

**Charlie: **Sayid.

**Jin: **Sayid?

**Sun: **Sayid.

**Claire: **LOCKE! THE CRADLE THING BROKE WHEN YOU SAT ON IT!

**Ben: **Juliet. Pff, red-head..

**Hurley: **Dudes, umm.. I have to pee. Sayid!

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNN!_

**Anne: **John, why Jack?

**Locke: **Because he's losing his faith in the island, Anne.

**Anne: **Hmm.. Nikki, why John?

**Nikki: **Because he's bald! Bald guys SCARE me! Go on, baldy, get!

**Anne: **-raises eyebrows- Sawyer, are you going to give me a nickname?

**Sawyer: **I guess I could help you out there, what you wanna be called?

**Anne: **How about 'That-cute-young-looking-blonde-woman-who-had-a-facelift' ?

**Sawyer: **Nah.. you look a little like Velma from Scooby Doo. So, that's your new nickname. VELMA! HAHA! VELMA!

**Anne: **You son of a bitch. Why Ana-Lucia?

**Sawyer: **You mean Hot Lips? 'Cuz she don't know how to keep her damn trap shut, that's why!

**Ana-Lucia: **You weren't sayin' that when you were screwin' me back in series two.

**Audience: **_OoOoOoOoOoOoO!_

**Sawyer: **Tryna' intimidate me, Hot Lips?

**Sayid: **Ah, what's the point. I've been voted off, right? Okay, I'll be leaving now. I want to go and make out with Shannon backstage anyway. -walks off-

**Anne: **Umm, Sayid is.. the weakest link.. Goodbye?

**Hurley: **He's gone, dude.

_DDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!_

_-Backstage-_

**Sayid: **So, can I get your number, baby?

**Shannon: **Sure thing, maybe we could-- OH MY GOD! WALT! DO YOU SEE HIM? DO - YOU - SEE - HIM?

_END OF ROUND THREE_


	4. Sawyer hits on Ana

_-_we open with a close-up Nikki running down a long corridor, the same music used at the beginning of Expose is used here. Nikki runs over to the vending machine, pops in a quarter and waits anxiously. She then grabs the dairy milk bar and runs back to the studio, running through the double doors and over to where everyone is standing, the break is about to end. Nikki slips and falls, landing on her back. Everyone runs over to her.-

**Paulo: **Nikki! Nikki! Are you okay?

**Sawyer: **Does she look okay, Zorro?

**Hurley: **Nikki! Dude! Speak to us, man!

-Nikki lays motionless for five seconds before jumping up and laughing-

**Nikki: **HA! Fooled ya'll! I fooled ya! Didn't I?

**Paulo: **-sigh- Yes, Nikki. You fooled us.

**Sawyer: **Kate, get my gun.

**Libby: **Hey, why can't everyone just, relax.. and, ya know.. _mellow out _a little..

**Sawyer: **Nobody was talkin' to you, Hippy.

**Libby: **Duh, of course I'm a hippy.. why d'you think I always dress like one?

**Kate: **Libby, are you high?

**Libby: **Why can't everyone just _get high._

**Anne: **All right, it's time for Round four. We'll be on the air in a few seconds so everyone take your positions.

**Kate: **Anne, where were you?

**Juliet: **Yeah Anne, get a little action during the break?

**Anne: **No, I'm no whore like the two of you. All right, I had a quickie with Desmond 'round the back of the building.

**Desmond: **Aye, it was good, brutha.

**Sawyer: **C'mon, Velma, let's get this show on the road.

**Anne: **Sawyer, you're wonderful and I love you, but I will be forced to knock your block off if you ever call me Velma again.

**Sawyer: **Jinkies!

**Anne: **All right, let's do this.

_Dun dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Jack, what is the name of Desmond's ex-girlfriend?

**Jack: **You expect ME to know that? He was in ONE of my flashbacks, and then all he talked about was my ankle!

**Anne: **Just answer the question, Jack.

**Jack: **Ummm.. wild swing in the dark here, but could it be... Penelope?

**Anne: **Yes! That's the answer! You're so CLEVER, Jack!

**Jack: **Now, I don't appreciate sarcasm, Anne.

**Anne: **That's right Jack. You just stand there and breathe abnormally 'til you have to answer a question again. Michael!

**Michael: **Aw, damn.

**Anne: **Michael, who did Ana-Lucia shoot back in series two?

**Michael: **Umm, that hot blonde. What's her name? SHANNON! Yup, that's it, right?

**Anne: **Correct. Libby..

**Libby: **Bankity bank! I mean, bank.

**Anne: **Libby, what was the name of Hurley's imaginiary friend?

**Libby: **Dave?

**Anne: **Correct. Hurley, did Jack tell Kate that he loved her in the series three finale?

**Hurley: **Uh, yeah. I sorta overheard.

**Anne: **Correct. Kate..

**Juliet: **WTF? Jack! What's all this about you loving that dumb brunnette?

**Jack: **It's all lies, Juliet. You know you're the only girl for me.

**Kate: **UM! That's not what you were saying when you were eating my face off in series two!

**Jack: **Hey, YOU came onto ME, remember?

**Anne: **Kate, what is the name of Danielle's daughter?

**Kate: **That would be Alex.

**Anne: **Correct. Nikki..

**Nikki: **Yay! I mean, yes?

**Anne: **What are the mysterious numbers that have been mentioned throughout LOST?

**Nikki: **Umm.. they were.. 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and.. umm.. 42!

**Anne: **Correct, I guess you're not worthless afterall, Nikki.

**Nikki: **Yeah, I guess so. Wait a minute!

_Later..._

**Anne: **Ana-Lucia, is Sawyer A) a Fast Food worker, B) A Janitor, or C) a Con Man?

**Ana-Lucia: **Hmm, I'd say A.

**Anne: **Incorrect! It was 'C'.

**Ana-Lucia: **Ohh, umm.. in my defense, how the hell was I supposed to know?

**Sawyer: **Aw, tough break Hot Lips, I guess they'll be votin' you off.

**Anne: **Sawyer, what was your first ever nickname for Hurley?

**Sawyer: **Umm.. Fat Guy?

**Anne: **Lardo. Paulo..

**Sawyer: **Goddamnit! Son of a BITCH!

**Ana-Lucia: **Hehe.

**Sawyer: **What the hell is so funny? And I forgot to tell you, you were completely lousy in the sack.

**Ana-Lucia: **You are so totally going down..

**Anne: **Paulo--

_DUN, DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!_

**Anne: **Times up and, yet again, you banked £200. Who's time is finally up? It's time to vote off, the Weakest Link.

**Previous On Lost Guy: **_Jack is the strongest link having answered the most questions correctly. Ana-Lucia is the weakest link. But how will the voting go?_

**Kate: **Juliet.

**Jack: **Ana-Lucia.

**Juliet: **KATE!

**Boone: **Ana-Lucia.

**Ana-Lucia: **The stupid cowboy redneck. Sawyer.

**Michael: **Ana-Lucia.

**Eko: **Sawyer.

**Libby: **Sawyer.

**Nikki: **Sawyer!

**Sawyer: **Hot Lips! Ana-Lucia!

**Desmond: **Sawyer, brutha.

**Charlie: **Ana-Lucia!

**Jin: **Sawyer.

**Sun: **Sawyer!

**Claire: **Ana-Lucia.

**Locke: **Ana-Lucia.

**Ben: **Ana-Lucia.

**Hurley: **Sawyer, man.

_DDDDUUUUUNNNNN!_

**Anne: **So, we have a tie. Ana-Lucia and Sawyer.

**Ana-Lucia: **Hey, what's with ya'll voting me off so early?

**Libby: **No offense, But all of us kind of wish we could vote _both _of you off.

**Boone: **For the last couple of rounds you two have been bickering so much it's been getting quite annoying.

**Hurley: **I mean for god's sake man, Just tell her you love her already!

-Sawyer looks uncomfortable, but then he marches over to Ana-Lucia and goes down on one knee.-

**Sawyer: **I love that you killed a couple of guys, just like I did. I love that when you were screwin' me, you called me James and not Sawyer. I love that you were gonna kill Ben in series two, before Michael killed you. I love uh, your.. hair, I love that you always wear the same outfit. And I love that you don't mind when I call you Hot Lips. And it's not because Kate doesn't really want me, and it's not because we're on this damn show together. I came here today because when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

-he takes out a little box-

**Sawyer: **Ana-Lucia.. -looks at Jack-

**Jack: **Cortez.

**Sawyer: **Yeah, right. Ana-Lucia _Cortez. _Will you do me the honour, of bein' my wife?

-There's a little pause, while everyone wonders why Sawyer spoofed When Harry Met Sally. Ana looks positively shocked, and looks like she's going to accept, when suddenly...-

_THHHHHHWACKKKK!_

-Ana drop karate kicks Sawyer, and he is knocked backwards.-

**Ana-Lucia: **You want somemore Cowboy? 'Cause if you come anywhere near me...

**Sawyer: **Okay! Okay! We're done! Jeez... that chick is badass. Why can't a guy announce his love for a gal without gettin' fried?

**Boone: **Bad luck, man.

**Charlie: **Yeah, tough break Sawyer.

**Nikki: **Paulo, why don't you ever say that kind of stuff to me?

**Paulo: **And risk getting drop kicked? Yeah, right..

**Anne: **Well, that was amusing! But we still have to decide WHO is the Weakest Link!

**Hurley: **Oh yeah, dude.

**Anne: **Jack, as the strongest link YOU get to decide who is the Weakest Link of this round.

**Jack: **Anne, as much as I like Ana, I mean, she's hot. I think I'll stick with my first choice. Sorry, Ana-Lucia.

**Ana-Lucia: **Bastard..

**Anne: **Ana-Lucia, you are the Weakest Link, goodbye!

_DDDDUUUUNNNNNN!_

**Ana-Lucia: **You know what! You pansies can stick around here as long as you want! But as soon as this is over I'm headin right back to the island, I've got to kick some Others ass.

-she marches off the set-

**Sawyer: **Ana! Wait for me, honey!

_-Backstage-_

**Ana-Lucia: **Yeah well, if I'd have had to stick around with that Redneck for any longer I'd have shot him. And what the hell was with the whole _proposal _scene at the end? Whatever movie _that _was from, I've never even seen it!

_END OF ROUND FOUR_


	5. Nikki hits on Boone

-There is a break between Round 3 and 4, and so the contestants are standing by the vending machine in the corridor, snacking a little before the next round. Okay, so I didn't add these little break chapters before, but.. whatever. Someone gave me an idea, so deal with it :)-

-Nikki, Charlie and Boone are standing alone by the vending machine. Nikki has just put a 50p in for a Yorkie bar. She picks it up, but Charlie snatches it away from her.-

**Nikki: **Hey! What's the idea, Charlie?

**Charlie: **The idea is that I eat this, and you get something else.

**Nikki: **But it was _my money!_

**Charlie: **Nikki, you know these things?

**Nikki: **Umm, no, I've never been to England before.

**Charlie: **Right. Well, they're not for girls, okay?

**Nikki: **-hangs head-

**Boone: **Don't listen to him, he's just eh, how he would put it: 'a bloody pillock'

-he hands the bar back to Nikki-

**Nikki: **Thanks, Boone. Hey, are you doing anything after the show?

**Boone: **I was planning on going back to the island, actually..

**Nikki: **Change your plans. Okay, so Hurley brought the hippy car, right? Well, Libby's got some pot aswell, so we're all going to dress up as hippies and like, _pretend we're all hippies! _And then we're going to drive round London yelling things at random people! It's gonna be so good! So what do you say?

**Boone: **Uhh, I dunno. Who's going?

**Nikki: **Uh, let's see.. Hurley, Libby, Ben and Juliet I think.. Umm.. Danielle, Sun, Jin, Desmond and.. I think that's it.

**Charlie: **And me! Don't forget about Charlie!

**Boone: **Cool. Um, if I'm coming.. can Shannon come?

**Nikki: **For god's sake Boone! All that little slut ever does is go on and on about make-up and whatever! We can't have a good time with her tagging along!

**Boone: **Don't talk that way about Shannon.

**Nikki: **oOoOoOoOo, someone's in luurrrrveeee!

**Charlie: **Nikki, that is like so series one.

**Nikki: **Whatever. Anyway Boone, you up for it?

**Boone: **Well, I guess so.. but what happened to the others? Why aren't they coming?

**Charlie: **Well, Jack and Kate are obviously gonna go 'get caught in a net' with eachother while Juliet's with us. Juliet's pissed at both of them anyway, and they're pissed at her! And Sawyer? Well, he's trying to win back Ana-Lucia, not that he had her in the first place.. umm, I don't think you need to worry about Shannon, she's already gone off with Sayid. Danielle's gone back to the island to look for Alex andddd.. who else is there? Oh, yeah. Claire's got to mind Aaron, and Eko's helping her. And Locke's gonna find his faith or something.. Is Paulo coming?

**Nikki: **Heck no! I plan on making out with Boone all night long.

**Boone: **Uhm?!

**Nikki: **You know you want it, honey.

**Charlie: **I want it too!

**Nikki: **Forget it asshole, you took my candy bar AND your hair looks way too greasy! BOONE'S my man.

**Boone: **Well, if you say so.. not like I'm getting anywhere with Shannon anyway..

**Nikki: **You're trying to score with your sister? Ewww! That's just wrong!

**Boone: **_Step-sister!_

**Nikki: **Still.. I'm not making any promises anymore, Boone.

**Boone: **Damnit.. an opportunity for sex, I haven't had any for the last three months.. and now I've gone and blown it. Great.

**Libby: **Hey you guys! Round five's about to start!

**Nikki: **Coming! Oh, Libby? Boone's coming with us, is that alright?

**Libby: **Sure! The more the merrier! Hey, we're even playing _strip poker _in the back of the van aswell!

**Charlie: **Heavy.

**Libby: **Totally.

**Nikki: **LOL. You guys coming?

**Charlie: **Did you just say LOL?

**Nikki: **Yes. I like to use phrases only meant for the internet. I'm crazy. Anyway! Let's get going, gang!

-she runs off. Libby, Charlie and Boone exchange glances before following her.-

_Well that was the first of many little breaks! Hope ya'll enjoyed it. More to come soon!_


	6. Nikki answers a question correctly

**Anne: **Ah, Libby, Boone, Nikki, Charlie.. glad you could join us.

**Boone: **Sorry, we were just talking..

**Anne: **Well, we'll be on the air in about three seconds so-- Hello and welcome back! It's time for round five of-- The WEAKEST LINK!

_Dun dun dun DUNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Kate, how many people has Sawyer killed? Is it A) 30 B) None, or C) 3?

**Kate: **B, obviously. Sawyer would never kill anyone.

**Anne: **Incorrect the answer was 'C'.

**Kate: **Sorry?

**Anne: **Nikki, spell Onomatopoeia.

-Everyone goes silent. The music from the beginning of 2001: Space Odyssey comes on as Nikki stands, sweating. She then stands up straight, and clears her throat, ready to answer the question.-

**Nikki: **I'm ready to answer the question, Anne.

**Anne: **Okay..

**Nikki: **It's.. O-n-o-m-a.. no wait, I can do this.. O-n-o-m-a-t-o-p-o-e-i-a?

**Anne: **..That's correct. I'm in shock, Nikki.

**Nikki: **Well, I can't help being smart can I?

**Anne: **Hang on a minute, where's Hurley? And Desmond?

**Kate: **They were here a minute ago..

-They all turn to watch as Hurley enters, grinning from ear to ear.-

**Juliet: **Oh god, he's stoned.

**Michael: **Aw, man, Hurley!

**Hurley: **Duuudeeess...

**Anne: **Who the hell is responsible for this?

-they all turn to look at Libby.-

**Libby: **Heyy, don't look at me! Well okay, look at me. Jeez, i'm so high..

**Sun: **Hurley! How could you let that stoner woman do this to you? I MUST have a conversation WITH MYSELF about this!

**Jin: **Monstah? No! BOAT!

**Juliet: **I'd rather be on myspace right now than be standing here.

**Boone: **You have myspace? What's yours?

**Anne: **FGS! We are ON the air, people!

**Juliet & Boone: **Sorry Anne.

**Anne: **Now Libby, you can either sober up or get off my show! Which do you choose?

**Libby: **Does anyone.. does anyone like, think she looks just like that chick off that show?

**Hurley: **Yeah man, I kinda' thought so too.

**Sawyer: **You kids don't happen to be talkin' about _Scooby Doo_, do ya?

**Libby: **THAT'S THE ONE! She totally looks like that Velma chick.

**Anne: **Ah, what do you screwballs know, she's high, he needs to lose a couple of pounds and the rest of you are just plain WEIRD!

**Libby: **Hey, don't you dare talk to him like that.

-yep folks, the fic is becoming a drama. looks like no more humour as anne and libby approach eachother ready for a fist fight..-

**Libby: **WTF? No more humour in this fic? That's like.. sliced without bread! Bread not being sliced! Whatever..

**Anne: **I second that.

**Nikki: **I third that!

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!!!_

**Anne: **Can that even be classed as a round? Two stoners coming in and talking crap. And I'm not forgetting the crazy Korean woman or the Mentally defective jewel thief!

**Nikki: **Ha ha Paulo, she called you mentally defective.

**Paulo: **-rolls eyes-

**Anne: **Whatever, let's just vote someone off because I definitely need a smoke.

**Sawyer: **I'll join ya.

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!_

**Voice-Over The Previously On Lost Guy: **_For once, Nikki is currently the strongest link having answered the most questions correctly. Kate is the weakest link._

_Dun dun dun DUNNNN!_

**Kate: **Claire.

**Jack:** Claire.

**Juliet:** _Kate._

**Boone:** Claire..

**Michael:** Claire, man.

**Eko:** Claire.

**Libby:** Anne! I mean.. Claire.

**Nikki**: Claire.

**Sawyer:** Claire.

**Desmond:** Claire.

**Charlie:** What the hell are you lot doing? Oh, sorry. Claire. I mean--!

**Jin: **Walt. Michael?

**Sun:** Claire!

**Claire:** OMG! WTF? MY BAYYBEEEEEH!

**Locke:** Claire.

**Ben:** Claire.

**Hurley: **Dude.. sorry, Claire, dude.

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Well, I think that's pretty conclusive. Why Claire, almost everybody?

**Sun: **Because she's boring. All she does is sit on her ass, either moaning about the fact that Charlie's on drugs or whining about how _the Others _took her baby again..

**Claire: **Excuse me?

**Sawyer: **And it wouldn't hurt to lose the accent either.

**Claire: **..I'm from Australia. I'm an Aussie. This is how we talk!

**Sawyer: **Well, excuuuuuse me!

**Ben: **I agree, Claire does nothing for Lost, she's just a pretty face. Juliet, however..

**Juliet: **Don't start.

**Nikki: **Yeah I mean even though Paulo and I were only in Lost for about, two seconds, it was so obvious that Claire's flashbacks were boring and stupid. I mean, she's never going to win an Emmy for that performance!

**Claire: **I feel like I'm back at school again.

**Boone: **Look, Claire. We're telling you this for your _own good. Now _you can get out there and find a real job!

**Sun: **Yes! Exactly!

-silence-

**Claire: **Charlie? Aren't you going to help me here?

**Charlie: **Look, you're a nice girl and all Claire but I'm with Kate now. And they're all quite right, you're a boring character.

**Claire: **-sniffs-

**Anne: **Well, I guess the tribe has spoken. Eko, if you will?

**Eko: **Yes.

-eko goes over to Claire, picks her up and walks off stage with her as she screams and struggles to break free.-

**Anne: **-calling- You ARE the Weakest Link, goodbye!

_DUN DUNNNNN!_

_-Backstage-_

**Claire: **-sobs- Why don't they like me? Why are they saying those things about me? I want my BAYYYYBEEEEEHHHHH!

_END OF ROUND FIVE_

**AN: **Hi folks, hope I didn't offend any Chaire fans out there! Claire was just boring.. I hate her character, so no offense to those who like her. :) Short chapter but one of those breaks will be coming soon!


	7. Ana denys Sawyer

**Boone: **So, you really have myspace?

**Juliet: **Sure, you want it?

**Boone: **Yeah, sure. Mine's BoonenShannon4eva

**Juliet: **Cool.. mine's DoctorJules.

**Boone: **I'll add you.

**Juliet: **I'll be waiting.

-Juliet and Boone are standing next to the vending machine, discussing, as you can see-- myspace. Soon they are joined by Locke, Sawyer, Michael and Libby.-

**Sawyer: **Well well, if it isn't Metro and Doctor Number Two. What are you ladies yappin' about?

**Boone: **Sawyer, you have myspace, right?

**Sawyer: **Sure do. Can you guess who my top friend is?

**Locke: **Kate?

**Sawyer: **No.. Ana Lulu.

**Michael: **You really got it bad man.

**Sawyer: **Quiet Hoss. Anyway, she'll probably delete me later.. I can't believe I screwed up.

**Ana-Lucia: **I can't believe it, either.

-they all turn around and see Ana-Lucia walking towards them.-

**Sawyer: **Well hey Cupcake, you here to give the ole' Redneck a second chance?

**Ana-Lucia: **Like hell I am. I just heard ya'll talking about myspace, and wanted to know if anyone wanted mine.

**Sawyer: **Yeah, come on guys and gals, let's all que up for the chance to become Missy Blackbelt's top friend.

**Libby: **I'm in Ana's top five. -beams-

**Locke: **Am I in it, Ana?

**Ana-Lucia: **I haven't got yours Locke, but if you give it to me I'll add you.

**Locke: **And..?

**Ana-Lucia: **Stick you in my top ten. How does that sound?

**Locke: **Sound's swell!

**Juliet: **-ahem- What about me?

**Ana-Lucia: **What _about _you? I don't even know you! Who is this chick?

**Sawyer: **Series three stuff, you wouldn't understand..

**Ana-Lucia: **Whatever. Listen, my current myspace address is Danny4lyfe but I'm getting a new one, okay?

**Sawyer: **Who the hell's _Danny?_

**Ana-Lucia: **Just a guy.

**Sawyer: **Well, when you get a new one be sure to make me your top friend and change it to: 'Sawyer4lyfe'.

**Charlie: **-enters- Look at you two, quarreling like an old married couple.

**Sawyer: **Hey Hobbit, quick question-- who the hell asked you for your input?

**Charlie: **Nobody.. just seems like you two have a little connection going on is all.

**Ana-Lucia: **Me and him? _Connection? _What the hell are you talkin' about, man?

**Boone: **Yeah, just what I was thinking..

**Nikki: **Does anyone want myyyyy myspaceeee?

**Sawyer: **It's gettin' way too crowded in here! Ya'll _get! No, not you Ana!_

**Ana-Lucia: **I've got some business to attend to.

**Sawyer: **Hey! Wait! I'll add you!

**Ana-Lucia: **I won't accept!

-she leaves. Sawyer is left standing with Libby and Nikki, as Charlie, Michael, Boone and whoever else was there had buggered off somewhere.-

**Libby: **Cheer up.

**Nikki: **Yeah, she'll realise she feels exactly the same about you.

**Sawyer: **Who the hell asked you, Moonbeam? And Nina, scat!

**Nikki: **Come with us after the show.

**Libby: **Yeah, we've got pot and the van, and we're gonna party all night long, baby!

**Sawyer: **Hmm.. will there be _alcohol??_

**Nikki: **Plenty of it.

**Libby: **And we're all gonna get smashed and sing Kumbaya!

**Sawyer: **Wait a minute.. de ja vu??

**Nikki: **Oh, shut up. Are you coming or what??

**Sawyer: **Hum, I guess I could presuade Ana to tag along..

**Nikki: **Forget about her! She's just a miserable bitch!

**Libby: **Hey, Ana's my best friend.

**Nikki: **Well, sorry! But she is a miserable bitch.

**Sawyer: **Woah, sorry to interrupt the cat fight, but why the hell d'you misfits want me to tag along anyway?

**Libby: **Two words: _Strip. Poker!_

**Sawyer: **Ohh no, I'm not gettin' naked infront of your Mongo.

**Libby: **Oh, grow up.

**Nikki: **Yeah Sawyer, haven't you ever had _any _fun in your life?

**Sawyer: **Hmmmm... No.

**Nikki: **Oh well, after tonight you'll feel way better about yourself.

**Sawyer: **Whatever.. next round's about to start.

-he leaves. Libby and Nikki look at eachother, grinning, and follow him.-

**AN: **Just incase you wanted to add any of our Losties, here are their myspace's..

**Kate: **_Frecklesontherun_

**Jack: **_DocShephard4Sarah_

**Juliet: **_DoctorJules_

**Boone: **_BoonenShannon4eva_

**Ana-Lucia: **_Danny4lyfe_

**Michael: **_Vincentrox_

**Eko: **_JesusStick_

**Shannon: **_Shayidshippersonly_

**Libby: **_hippiefied_

**Nikki: **_myspaceurl_

**Sawyer: **_JamestheCowboy_

**Desmond: **_IluvPenny_

**Sayid: **_NadiaorShannon_

**Charlie: **_DrugsRKool_

**Jin: **_jahdhakkakwalt_

**Sun: **_MrsKwon_

**Claire: **_myBAAAYYYBEEEHHHH_

**Danielle: **_IamnotobsessedwithAlex_

**Locke: **_UGottaHavFaith_

**Ben: **_BenHeartsJules_

**Hurley: **_dudeitshurley_


	8. Desmond has super powers

**Anne: **Well, it's time for ROUND SIX of THE WEAKEST LINK!

**Libby: **_-high- _Guys.. guys.. can I ask ya'll a question? Who's gonna get with who?

**Jack: **What?

**Libby: **You know.. who's gonna like.. get with eachother on the show and like.. make babies and stuff. Yada yada..

**Anne: **Easy question. Jack and Kate. They'll have 1000000 babies.

**Ben: **And Ben and Juliet..

**Juliet: **You wish.

**Ben: **Yes, I certainly do..

**Boone: **Well, technically I can't "get" with anyone, 'cause you know.. I'm dead.

**Charlie: **Same here.

**Libby: **Yeah, me too! But it's a TV show! So we can do whatever the hell we want, dead or not!

**Boone: **Wow! You're right!

**Charlie: **Yes! Let's rebell against the writers of LOST and come back to haunt them from beyond the grave!

**Libby: **_Muhahahahahaha!_

**Juliet: **All right, all right! Enough of you.. dead guys.. let's play the game, play the game!!

**Boone: **We'd need Shannon and Ana-Lucia too.

**Charlie: **And Ethan.

**Boone: **_Dude! No way! _You killed him, remember? Series one? If he tagged along he'd end up killing you.. again!

**Charlie: **Fair point, mate.

**Desmond: **Aye, brutha. CHARLEH!! DUCK BRUTHA!!

-Desmond jumps infront of Charlie as Anne whips out a 9mm pistol and fires it right at Charlie. It hits Desmond bang in his heart.-

**Charlie: **DES!! DES!! SPEAK TO ME!

**Desmond: **Ahhh.. Anne, what you have to go do that for, eh sistah?

**Anne: **Erm.. the heat of the moment.. you know..

**Juliet: **Uh, Des, You're breathing.

**Desmond: **Aye sissy, I'm invincible. _-Pulls off his shirt to reveal he is wearing some sort of Super hero uniform. The words 'SUPER DES' are imprinted on the uniform. He rips off the rest of his clothes so everyone can see he is wearing the uniform.- _Not bad, eh?

**Libby: **Wow, nice package!

**Desmond: **Aaargh.. mate, I told you to send the order DIRECTLY to my house, yeah? _-Some guy has just appeared beside Des holding, yep, you guessed it, cliche or what.. dun dun dun DUNNN! a PACKAGE!!-_

**Man: **Orite, Sorry Des.

**Desmond: **Aye..

**Kate: **_-swoons-_

**Jack: **UM?! HELLO?!?

**Juliet: **Jackson Shephard! What the HELL is wrong with you?!?

**Kate: **Yeah, give it a break Jack!

**Jack: **Well, Kate's supposed to be _insanely jealous _of me and Juliet! It doesn't make sense that she's _swooning _over Desmond. And since when is my name Jackson?

**Juliet: **-blinks- Isn't Jack short for Jackson?

**Jack: **NO??

**Kate: **Hey, I was swooning over the guy delivering the package.

**Anne: **Could we _please _get on with this??

**Sawyer: **Forget it Anne, what with all the hot chicks being booted off during the first couple of rounds this little game just ain't that fun anymore.

**Kate: **So I'm _not _hot?

**Sawyer: **Hells no!

**Juliet: **Sawyer.. what about that unforgettable night we spent down in the hatch? You told me I was your everything!

**Sawyer: **Wtf? The hatch was blown up during Series 2 you n00b!

**Jack: **fr00b!

**Charlie: **j00b!

**Boone: **g00b!

**Juliet: **b00b!

**Kate: **..Juliet, nobody even said you could join in the game.

**Juliet: **LOOK! LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT HERE! JUST BECAUSE I CAME IN AT SERIES 3 DOESN'T MAKE ME SOME DUMBASS HIPPY CHICK LIKE LIBBY, OR SOME UH.. I'M NOT MAKING MUCH SENSE AM I?

**Jack: **Dude, who the hell was calling you a hippy chick?

**Libby: **Yeah, the only hippy chick around here is yours truly, bioootch!

**Anne: **Fuck ya'll, let's get on with this! I've got a date with David Hasselhoff and you pricks are delaying me!

_Dun dun dun DUNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Nikki, we'll start with you first dawwg.

**Nikki: **Okay! Okay! I love answering questions!

**Anne: **Nikki, name the drug that Charlie was, and still is addicted to?

**Charlie: **Oi! I'm clean! Ye' stupid sod! YE' STUPID SOD!!!!

**Nikki: **I think it was heroine.

-everyone is mildly amused and surprised that she got it right-

**Anne: **Correct. Sun, Jin did Eko meet his end?

**Jin: **MONSTAH.

**Anne: **Well done Jin! Juliet--

**Jin: **Hey lady, no need to PATRONISE me, okay?

**Anne: **_Excuse_ me?

**Jin: **I can speak English. FGS, I had to _learn _bloody Korean off her! -points to Sun- So.. you know.. don't talk to me like that, alright?

**Anne: **God, Calm down. _Juliet, _answer true or false. Jack found a rat in the jungle, brought him back to camp and nicknamed him 'PeeWee'.

**Juliet: **Eww! False.

**Anne: **Incorrect..

**Juliet: **Jack, seriously. PEEWEE?!

**Jack: **Anne, you promised!

**Anne: **Libby, what were your last words before you saw the light at the end of the tunnel?

**Libby: **Umm.. wait, it'll come to me.

**Anne: **Twenty seconds left on the clock, Libby.

**Libby: **Um! Um! HAMBURGERS! Ugggh, I need to get laaaaaid.

**Anne: **That was.. incorrect. And about getting laid, talk to Desmond about that.

**Desmond: **That's Super Des! And oh aye, Please do, sistah.

_Dun dun dun DUNNNNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Times up and you didn't bank ANYTHING that round! Who's ready to go back to the island? Who's finally LOST it?

**Locke: **Me! Me! Oh, Pick me!

**Anne: **It's time to vote off, THE WEAKEST LINK.

_Dun dun dun DUNNNNNNN!_

**Kate: **Jin.

**Jack:** Jin.

**Juliet:** Michael.

**Boone:** Eko.

**Michael:** Boone.

**Eko:** Boone.

**Libby:** Boone.

**Paulo: **Jin.

**Nikki**: Boone.

**Sawyer:** Metro.

**Desmond:** Boone.

**Charlie:** Eko.

**Jin: **Charlie.

**Sun:** Charlie.

**Locke:** Boone.

**Ben:** Sun.

**Hurley: **Boone, dude.

_DDDDUUUUUUNNNNNNNN¬!_

**Anne: **So, why Boone, Libby?

**Libby: **Eh, he's not proved himself worthy. He's too uncool to come rolling with us after the show.

**Anne: **Ah, I heard you're going on a little.. expedition.

**Libby: **You could certainly call it that, Anne.

**Anne: **Not high anymore, Libby? Good to know.

**Libby: **Oh no I'm still flat out stoned, But I can tell that Boone is just, well.. a loser. He's like a worn down version of Orlando Bloom!

**Nikki: **Only Orlando Bloom's NOT THAT hot either.

**Boone: **Woooahh! Wait a minute! Nikki, didn't you just ask me to come and make out with you in your van?

**Paulo: **WTF?

**Nikki: **That was SO last break honey. Anyway, I decided to stick with Paulo. Face it, he's hotter than you.

**Boone: **-whimpers-

**Locke: **Ah get over yourself, you know he was just like this when the plane fell! Whinin' about his damn leg, while I, who let's remember could hardly even walk anymore had to drag him back to camp! Pff, get over yourself you stupid pretty boy.

**Sawyer: **Like I said: _Metro._

**Ben: **Haha. Pwned.

**Boone: **-runs off stage in masses of tears-

**Anne: **You guys! I didn't get to say the line!

**Sawyer: **Ah say it some other time, thank god he's gone..

**Libby: **Seriously Nikki, what were you thinking of wanting to bring him along?

**Nikki: **Well, from what I gathered from Shannon he's pretty good in bed, and apparently he had a bit part in one of my favourite movies!

**Libby: **Oh? And what's that?

**Nikki: **Weekend at Bernies!

**Libby: **Trippy.


	9. Libby smokes a joint

-Kate, Jack, and Claire are standing by the vending machine. Claire is sobbing into Kate's shoulder, while Kate looks seriously pissed off. Suddenly the fire exit door bursts open and Desmond and Libby come through, arms around eachother, both drunk and stoned as hell, singing along to _Eye of the Tiger.-_

**Claire: **She really, _really scares me._

**Libby: **Oh c'mon guuuuyyssss! Lighten _up! _And say hello to my new man. Des, this is Jack, Kate and umm.. the ugly blonde one is ummm.. what's your name sweetheart?

**Claire: **-squeals and cries harder-

**Kate: **-frowning- Nice going, Libby. And we've already met Desmond. In the hatch. Remember? Ring any bells??

**Libby: **Oh, right. Anyway, C'mon, have a drink with us! We're celebrating!

**Jack: **-breathing abnormally- Celebrating, _what, Libby?_

**Libby: **Freedom! We got off the damn island, didn't we?

**Desmond: **Aye, thart we did, brutha!

**Kate: **Woah, woah, woah. WAIT a minute. No Seriously, back up a sec. If we're officially _off _the island, then how come Annur has been stating throughout the whole goddamn fic that we're going back right after the show??

**Ana-Lucia: **Because she's a moron.

**Claire: **Ooh that's not nice, Ana-Lucia! You were her favourite female character and now she'll hate you, ha ha!

**Ana-Lucia: **And you think she'll like you more? Face it, Claire, she hates you. DEAL-WITH-IT!

-Claire runs off crying. THANK GOD, I HATE THAT BIOTCH!-

**Ana-Lucia: **See? Told ya'll!

-Annur and Ana-Lucia do a high five-

**Desmond: **Mmm, you lookin' mighty fine there Latina.

**Libby: **_Hey! _What did I tell you? _Don't flirt with other women unless I'm not there!_

**Ana-Lucia: **Forget it Libs, I'm way out of his league anyway.

**Libby: **What are you implying?

**Ana-Lucia: **Nothing.

**Libby: **You're ugly.

**Ana-Lucia: **Thanks.

**Libby: **You're a mannish whore.

**Ana-Lucia: **Oh, really?

**Libby: **Blue Crush really, _really _sucked.

**Ana-Lucia: **YAAAARRRGHHHHH!

-Ana lunges at Libby, whipping out her long spear and waving it in Libby's face. Luckily Jack and Kate are there to save her while Des (ironically, seeing as he is supposed to be some sort of super hero) stands around doing nothing.-

**Libby: **Drunk driving! It's a sin! IT'S A SIN!!

**Ana-Lucia: **Oh, no shit! And you need to go to _rehab, _you crack whore!

**Kate: **How ironic that Libby is supposed to be the hippy that promotes peace on earth, don't you think?

**Jack: **Yeah.. but Annur just thought that'd be funny and stuck it in there. It isn't really, is it?

**Kate: **No. Not Atall. Wait, why are you telling me this?

**Jack: **Because I love you... PSYCHED! HA!

**Kate: **LOLZ ROFL! Jack ur lyke funneh!!

**Jack: **NO! -Breaths abnormally- _i-hate-damn-chatspeak!! _

**Kate: **LOLOLOLOLOLZLZLZLZLZLZLZZ!!111SHIFTKEY

**Jack: **NOOOOOOO!

-Tears out what little hair he has left and flees. Kate, Libby and Ana laugh-

**Desmond: **Well sistah's, wish ah could stay 'an all, but 'av got te'.. ya know, SAVE THE WORLD.

**Ana-Lucia: **I feel a song coming on!

**Desmond: **...why?

**Ana-Lucia: **Meh, I don't know.. I just.. feel like.. _Siiiiinggggiiiiingggggg!_

**Libby: **_So dooooo iiiiiii!!!_

-They go quiet. The lights go out. Juliet appears out of nowhere and the spotlight hits her. She starts to sing.-

_Ben, the two of us need look no more,_

_We both found what we were looking for.._

-Ben appears.-

_With a friend to call my own,_

_I'll never be alone,_

_And you my friend will see!_

_You've got a friend_

_In Me.._

_Ben, you're always running here and there,_

_You feel you're not wanted anywhere,_

_If you ever look behind,_

_And don't like what you find_

_There's one thing you should know,_

_You've got a place _

_To Go.._

_I used to say, "I" and "me"_

_Now it's "us", now it's "we"_

-Random crowd begins to cheer-

_Ben, most people would turn you away,_

_I don't listen to a word they say,_

_They don't see you_

_As I do!_

_I wish they would try to,_

_I'm sure they'd think again,_

_If they had a friend.._

-She looks at Ben-

_Likeeeeee Ben.._

_Like Ben,_

_Like Ben._

-And the crowd goes wild! Ana-Lucia, Libby and Kate look on jealously.-

**Ben: **Haha, PWNED!

**Juliet: **Oh Ben, I just realised.. I love you!

**Ben: **Finally!

-they embrace, while Jack starts to cry... AGAIN. He is comforted by Kate and Libby. Jack then forces Juliet and Ben out of the way and takes to the stage. Everyone falls silent again, as Jack begins to sing..-

**Jack: **YOWWWW! YA'LL AREN'T GONNA HAVE BEEN READY FOR THIS!

_She gave me the Queen_

_She gave me the King_

_She was wheelin' and dealin'_

_Just doin' her thing_

-Winks at Kate-

_Just doin' her thing_

_She was holdin' a pair_

_But I had to try_

_Her Deuce was wild!_

_But my Ace was high_

_But how was I to know?_

_That she'd been dealt with before_

_Said she'd never had a Full House_

_But I should have known_

_From the Tattoo on her right_

_She'd have the card to bring me down!_

_If she played it right.._

-He throws back his head and sings..-

_She's got the Jack, she's got the Jack_

_She's got the Jack, she's got the Jack_

_She's got the Jack, she's got the Jack_

_She's got the Jack, she's got the Jack_

_She's got the Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, JACK JACK JACK!_

-The crowd goes wild again, and Juliet's face is a picture. Kate joins Jack on stage.-

**Kate: **-Ahem- Here we go..

_HEY HEY YOU YOU -points to Jack- I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND! -glowers at Juliet- NO WAY NO WAY I THINK YOU NEED A NEWW ONEEE!_

**Libby: **Ewww.. let's all sit down and sing my FAVOURITE song!

-they do. Libby sits cross-legged and starts banging on a drum.-

_Kumbaya ma' lord, Kumbayaaaaa!_

_Kumbayaaaa ma lord, Kumbayaaaaaaa!_

_Ohhhh lordddd Kumbayaaaaaa!_

**Ana-Lucia: **Wow, you guys should go in for American Idol. -sarcasm-

**Jack: **PEEWEE! KILL, KILL!

-Jack's rat PeeWee escapes from his cage and chases Juliet, Ben and Ana-Lucia away.-

**Kate: **Oh, Jack! Using a large, disgusting fat rat, which mostly probably has rabies, you manage to steal my heart! I LOVE you!

**Jack: **I love you, too, Kate.

-they embrace. Desmond tries to embrace Libby but she smacks his hand away.-

**AN: **_Yeah, LAME. But I thought it was alright! Not the best, but I'm saving all the good stuff for the rounds! Hope you liked it, next chappy should be up within the next couple of days! Thanks again for the reviews ya'll!_


	10. Ana kills Shannon, again

-Ben, Juliet and Ana-Lucia are hiding from PeeWee. Since the rat started chasing them around the building, it has eaten everything in it's path causing it to turn into a super-sized rat.-

**Ana-Lucia: **Okay, I _think _the coast is clear now, but just incase, I'll check..

-She foolishly steps out into the corridor. She hears a noise, a door opens. Ana targets the son of a bitch, like omgs he's going down! Unfortunately..-

**Ana-Lucia: **Oops! Sorry, Shannon! I can't seem to kick the habit, can I?

**Shannon: **You seriously have sucky aim. OUCH!

-Ana has successfully shot Shannon AGAIN just as she and Sayid were stepping out after a quickie in the cupboard. Luckily, as Shannon is already dead and because this is only a fanfic, she miraculously lives.-

**Ana-Lucia: **Hey, I haven't been at shooting practise for like a year. What are you gonna do?

**Sayid: **OMG! Look! The SMOKE!

-They all look and see the MYSTERIOUS BLACK SMOKE coming towards them! It stops right infront of Ana, who smirks and raises her 9mm.-

**Ana-Lucia: **_-in thick Spanish accent- _Say 'ello to my lidl' friend! _-Starts firing at the black smoke- _(Yes, I am aware that in Scarface they weren't Spanish. Who else would you rather I had say it. Claire? Come on..)

-However, the Black Smoke dodges the bullets. Ana looks back hopelessly at them.-

**Ana-Lucia: **It's useless! It just keeps dodging the bullets!

**Sayid: **Well, then--

-He is cut off. _Don't Stop Me Now _by _Queen _has just come on. Everyone jumps and looks around, freaked out.-

**Shannon: **Who put this on!

**Juliet: **I don't know, some random!

**Random: **-Waves-

_Don't - stop - me - now !_

**Ana-Lucia: **Sayid, get Shannon somewhere safe incase I don't aim properly and shoot her again. Hey, don't look at me like that it's happened twice already! Ben, Juliet, grab those cricket bats over there.

-They do.-

**Ana-Lucia: **-Raises bat- All right John, it's time at the bar! I mean.. umm.. YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN BLACK SMOKE!

_Causeeeee I'm having a good time having a good time!_

_Havin a good time_

_I'm a shootin star leaping through the skyyy_

_Like a tiger_

_Defying the laws of gravity.._

-Ana, Ben and Juliet begin to hit the Black Smoke with all they've got, circling it just like Simon Pegg did in _Shaun of the Dead_. The Queen music is still playing in the background. They are soon joined by Sayid who gives the smoke a good THWACK!

_Like a racing car passing by_

_Like Lady Godiva!_

_I'm gonna go, go go theres no stoppin' me!_

_I'm burnin through the sky yeah, two hundred degrees thats why they call me Mister Fahrenheit! I'm travellin' at the speed of light..._

**The Black Smoke: **FFS! THIS wasn't in the JOB DESCRIPTION! IT WASN'T IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION WRITERS! THE JOOOOBBBB DESSCCRIPTTTIONNNN! YAAAARRRGHHHH..

-The smoke falls down dead. However the smoke disappears to reveal PEEWEE, laying down dead.-

**Juliet: **OMG! You n00bs! You just killed off the monster, you idiots!

**Sayid: **She's right, I think we just killed off the most important thing in Lost.

**Ana-Lucia: **We're doomed! -sarcastic-

**Juliet: **It's all right for you, you're already dead! But we'll be out of the job..

**Jack: **Hey, what's going on?

-Jack appears. They all try to hide that they just murdered PeeWee, Jack's only real true love.-

**Shannon: **Uh Jack I don't think you ought to go round there..

**Jack: **C'mon Shannon, let go of my arm! What are you guys doing, anyway? What are you hiding?

-They all look extremely uncomfortable and, after exchanging worried glances, move aside to let Jack see PeeWee's body laying there.-

**Jack: **O-o-o-O-m-g-g.. PeeWee.. PEEWEE!!!

-He breaks down crying, falling to his knees.-

**Jack: **WHICH ONE OF YOU DID THIS!! WHICH ONE OF YOU KILLED PEEWEE!!

**Juliet: **It was him! -Points at Sayid-

**Sayid: **-curses and runs away-

**Jack: **I'LL GET YOU, SAYID JARRAH!! I'LL GET YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO PEEWEE!! Wow, I should really get more serious movie roles. I really am good! I mean.. SAYID, GET BACK HERE!!

-He runs after Sayid. Ana, Ben, Juliet and Shannon stand around looking uncomfortable.-

**Ben: **Ummm..

**Shannon: **I'm just gonna..

**Juliet: **Yeah..

**Ana-Lucia: **Catch ya' later..

-They all turn and walk in the opposite directions. The Randomer who played Queen before stands by. Then, he tips his hat, winks and walks off into the sunset, whistling a catchy tune.-

YES! THAT WAS TWO BREAKS! But ya'll wanted to know what became of PeeWee, right? I mean, YOU NEEDED TO KNOW!! W.e, bye bye for now.


	11. Michael is annoying

**Anne: **Welcome back to ROUND SEVEN! So--

-she stops when an alarm begins to ring.-

**Anne: **You all know the drill!

-Random music starts playing.-

**Jack: **Here it is..

**Nikki: **The moment you've all been waiting for!

**Locke: **WE weren't gonna let ya' down!

**Libby: **Put your hands together for..!

**All: **SKATE! SKATE!

**Charlie: **The ship you can't HATE!

**Hurley: **Sure it might be a little LATE,

**Michael: **But it's SKATE! Man.

-Everyone looks at Michael as he just ruined the first verse. However they carry on, the double doors open and Sawyer and Kate arrive, both sitting in thrones wearing crowns.-

**Libby: **Sure you waited 'til series three,

**Ben: **But everyone knew it was meant to be!

**Juliet: **Even if Kate is a bit of a whore,

**Sun: **SKATE always leaves us wanting more!

**Locke: **So everybody do your thing,

**Desmond: **Cause aye you know, It's time to sing!

**All: **SKATE! SKATE!

**Charlie: **The ship you can't HATE!

**Hurley: **Sure it might be a little LATE,

**Michael: **But it's SKATE! MAN!

**Juliet: **FFS Michael!

**Michael: **Sorry, sorry.

**Sun: **There was always chemistry, no doubt there!

**Nikki: **Even though Jack got her first, we don't care!

**Juliet: **Because even though she obviously loves Jack,

**Paulo: **Ummmmmm... Quack?

**All: **SKATE! SKATE!

**Charlie: **The ship you can't HATE!

**Hurley: **Sure it might be a little LATE,

**Michael: **But it's SKATE! Man.

**Juliet: **Somebody murder him please.

**Locke: **TAKE IT AWAY JIN!

**Jin: **-Blinks-

**Locke: **I _said, _TAKE IT AWAY JIN!

**Jin: **Walt?

**Locke: **Arrgghh, forget it!

**Paulo: **I don't know Jack, I don't know Kate,

**Sun: **Well, you're a little late

**Nikki: **As we were both killed off last season

**Juliet: **For TREASON! Ummm.. okay.

**All: **SKATE! SKATE!

**Charlie: **The ship you can't HATE!

**Hurley: **Sure it might be a little LATE,

**Michael: **But it's SKATE! Man.

**Locke: **ALL TOGETHER NOW!

**All: **_We'll, always be loving Skate,_

_Nothing you say could ever make-us-love-JATE!_

**Sawyer: **She's my gal!

**Kate: **I'm his girl.

**All: **_Skate is gonna conquer the WORLD!_

_SO_

_LET'S_

_HEAR ITTTTTTTTT_

_FOOORRRRRR SKATTTEEEEEEEE!_

**Eko: **SKATE IS GREAT!

**Libby: **DON'T EVER HATE,

**Nikki: **SKATE!

**All: **_SKATEEEEEEEEE!!!_

**Anne: **WORST! SONG! EVER!

-They're all still catching their breath.-

**Anne: **Seriously, don't ever think about making a musical. You guys SUCK!

**Libby: **_Well, _Anne, maybe you should get up here and do it _for us!_

**Anne: **I'd whup your ass anyday bitch.

**Libby: **Oh yeah?

**Jack: **C'mon guys, don't start.

**Libby: **PerLEEZ Jack, you're just as pissed off as I am. Afterall, Kate WAS your girl! You told her you loved her in the finale! And then you went off kissing Juliet? What happened, dude?

**Hurley: **I'm the only one who gets to say that word, Libby.

**Juliet: **First of all, he kissed me BEFORE he told Kate he loved her. AND ALSO, he loves ME and not HER! Who could ever love that little slut? And we all know Sawyer's a homo.

**Sawyer: **WTF?

**Kate: **Sawyer couldn't be a homo if his life depended on it.

**Sawyer: **Uh, HELLO? I'm right here!

**Kate: **Of course you are.

**Anne: **Enough of this BS! Let's get on with ROUND SEVEN OF! THE WEAKEST LINK.

_Dun dun dun DUNNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **We'll start with the strongest link from the last round, that's Jin. It's time to play -- THE WEAKEST LINK!

_dun dun!!_

**Anne: **Jin-- Oh, forget it. Hurley, what was the station in the last ep of Series 3 called?

**Hurley: **The Looking Glass.

**Anne: **Correct.

**Michael: **WAAAAALLLTTTTT! I mean, bank.

**Anne: **Name the woman who asked you questions when you were first captured by the Others.

**Michael: **Aw man, don't do this to me! I just want to find MAAAAA' BOOOOYYYY! SUSAN! IF YOU'VE TAKEN WALT TO SYDNEY AGAIN!! GODDAMNIT SUSAN!! I KNOW YOU'RE DEAD, BUT YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO ME---

**Sawyer: **Jesus christ Mike answer the question!

**Michael: **Uuuummm.. Ms Klugh?

**Anne: **Correct, Michael. Someone please vote him off.

**Sawyer: **Happy to oblige, Velma.

**Anne: **SAWYER!! We talked about this! Uh.. Kate--

**Kate: **That's QUEEN Kate.

**Anne: **Yes, sorry. _Queen _Kate--

**Kate: **Bow.

**Anne: **Excuse me?

**Kate: **BOW! BOW BEFORE ME, MINION! BOW!!

**Sawyer: **You heard the bitch. BOW!!

**Libby: **You'd better just bow, Anne.

-Reluctantly Anne bows to them. Kate looks satisfied.-

**Kate: **Now, I dub thee the most idiotic game show host on this earth!

**Anne: **NOOOO! Not the MOST IDIOTIC!

**Kate: **I'm afraid so. You may rise.

-Anne rises.-

**Kate: **Proceed.

**Anne: **_Queen Kate, _name the Other that Juliet killed in Series 3 Episode 7?

**Kate: **Ah, I remember it well. You remember, my love?

**Sawyer: **Ah yes I do. That was the day we had sex in the cage, wasn't it?

**Kate: **Darling! _Language!_

**Sawyer: **Forgive me, sweet one.

**Kate: **You are forgiven. And I think it was _Pickett, _Anne dear.

**Anne: **That's correct. Libby..

**Libby: **Bank!

**Anne: **Name the man in the Hatch!

**Libby: **Um! Um! Um! Darryl!

**Anne: **Desmond. He's standing right beside you for christ's sake!

**Libby: **It was.. the weed talking?

**Anne: **Oh stfu. Jack--

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!!_

**Anne: **Times up and you banked £300. Who's done all they can? Who's on their way back to the island? It's time to vote off, The Weakest Link.

**Previously On Lost Guy: **_Kate is currently the strongest link, having answered the most questions correctly. Libby is the weakest link. But how will the voting go?_

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!_

**Kate: **Libby.

**Jack:** Libby.

**Juliet:** Eko.

**Michael:** Libby.

**Eko:** Libby.

**Libby:** Eko!

**Paulo: **Libby.

**Nikki**: Eko! You hang in there Libby ma' homegurrl!

**Sawyer:** Libby.

**Desmond:** Eko, Libby's my whore, aye.

**Charlie:** Eko.

**Jin: **Eko -Sun translates-

**Sun:** Libby.

**Locke:** Libby.

**Ben:** Eko.

**Hurley: **Eko.

_DDDDDUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **So, we have a tie. Libby and Eko. Desmond, why Eko?

**Desmond: **Well, ah bet ee' cannit do me like that bitch can aye.

**Anne: **Desmond, you are aware that this is a family show?

**Desmond: **Aye but you asked me why sistah.

**Anne: **Riiight.. Paulo, why Libby?

**Paulo: **Dude, are you kidding me? That chick needs a doctor! Look at her!

-They do. Libby does indeed look quite stoned.-

**Anne: **You have a point there, Paulo. Well Kate..

**Kate: **-ahem!-

**Anne: **Sorry.. _Queen _Kate, you being the strongest link and all you'll have to decide who goes!

**Kate: **Well Anne, I did originally vote off Libby. But I wonder is there anything she can do to change my mind?

**Libby: **I have pot. _Alot _of it.

**Kate: **Ah, a girl after my own heart! Give me half and I'll see that you win this.

**Libby: **You're on!

**Kate: **So, it's decided then. I'm changing my vote to Eko, Anne.

**Anne: **Well Eko, I guess we'll be bidding you farewell..

**Eko: **It's all right. I didn't even say much in this anyway.

**Anne: **Eko, you are the Weakest Link. Goodbye!

-Eko walks off.-

_-Backstage-_

**Eko: **I had a good-ish time. I don't care who wins tbh. Get me the fuck out of here before I hurt somebody.

-He waves his Jesus Stick threateningly at the producer-

**Eko: **GET ME OUT OF HERE!

_HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS ONE :D _

_Also, if people could start suggesting who they want to win that would be great, I don't know who i want to win it:)_

**Eliminated:**

**Shannon: **Round One

**Danielle: **Round Two

**Sayid: **Round Three

**Ana-Lucia: **Round Four

**Claire: **Round Five

**Boone: **Round Six

**Eko: **Round Seven


	12. Jack has an idea

**AN: **_Hey guys! Thanks SOOOOO much for all the nice reviews! Well there's one problem. Some people haven't been enjoying the last few chapters :( I can sense that you are slowly growing bored with this fic. No worries! I'm sure I'll beable to come up with something more witty in future chapters. So, here is a chapter dedicated to you guys! _

-Another break. Jack has gathered everyone together for a very important meeting. He stands, breathing abnormally, before speaking.-

**Charlie: **Jack, maybe you should get yourself a personal trainer or something mate, you're not sounding too good.

**Juliet: **I offered, but he said it would be too weird. This was when we weren't even together, of course. And then when we were I offered again, and he said the same thing! What a lazy asshole.

**Jack: **We're not here to talk about how you have been _sexually inactive _for _six months, _Juliet.

**Juliet: **Hmph! I knew he'd pull that one on me.

**Jack: **Anyway, you all know why I called this meeting. It's about.. _-his voice starts to shake-_ it's about.. how.. HOW THEY'RE NOT ENJOYING THE FAN FIC ANYMORE!!

-Everyone gasps and they exchange glances, looking extremely anxious.-

**Jack: **However, I do have a plan. I'm Doctor Jack, I've always got a plan! Wait, scrap that, that wasn't even funny.. the readers won't like that! And also, we've got to tone down on the language.Now I know you guys like to talk trash, especially you Ana-Lucia, but we've got to just.. you know.. stop swearing.

**Libby: **Yeahh! Peace on earth, man!

**Sun: **What are we going to do?? We're running out of jokes! I've already talked to myself around six times during the past few chapters.

**Hurley: **And dude, Jin has been doing the whole 'I-can't-speak-English' thing waaay too often. I think he's getting seriously pissed off now.

**Jin: **DAMN RIGHT I AM!!

**Shannon: **Okay, let's all just take a time out to think about how we could _improve _this fic.

-They do. Ten seconds later..-

**Nikki: **What are we doing?

**Juliet: **Thinking of ideas.

**Nikki: **Why?

**Ana-Lucia: **She just _told _you, dumbass!

-They all gasp.-

**Ana-Lucia: **Oops, the language, I forgot..

**Locke: **You're treading on thin ice Ana-Lucia. The rest of you, keep thinking!

-More silence. Five seconds later..-

**Nikki: **Well, I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to think about!

**Ana-Lucia: **Just imagine a sky filled with fluffy clouds. _Anything _that'll make you _shut up!_

**Nikki: **Hardass little..

**Charlie: **Watch it Nikki.

**Paulo: **I think I just thought of the greatest idea of them all.

_-Mysterious music starts to play as they all turn to stare at him.-_

**Libby: **What is it Paulo?

**Claire: **Yeah, what's the great idea??

**Paulo: **...Nah, it's gone. I think it was something to do with the number 65, though.

-Silence as they all gawk at him.-

**Ana-Lucia: **Wow, seriously. I wish I'd wanted to stay in the series. I would have if I'd known they were going to cast dumbass idiots like this guy.

**Eko: **-beats her on head with stick- LANGUAGE!!

_-meanwhile-_

**Hurley: **-singing- _On the road again, I can't wait to get on the road again.._

_-He is driving in the hippy van. He drives off into the sunset, singing happily to himself.-_

_-BACK IN THE STUDIO-_

**Ana-Lucia: **Seriously guys, what was my best movie? Would you deem me Oscar-worthy for any of my roles?

**Libby: **I did think Blue Crush was quite good. But LOST, well, that was just a step down for me.

**Charlie: **Yeah, I didn't like it when you shot that.. erm.. what was her name again?

**Shannon: **I think it was Shannon, wow, just like my name!

**Libby: **Now that is just a weird coincidence.

**Juliet: **Can I ask why all the dead people are still in this fic? Didn't they like, _die??_

**Ana-Lucia: **If you don't like it you can go--

-She stops, whimpering when Eko waves his stick threateningly at her, making a strange noise a little bit like this...-

**Eko: **GGGHHHEEEEEEEIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!

**Jack: **Listen, I know they're just sitting there talking about crap when people like Sawyer and Kate aren't getting to say anything in most chapters, but that's not my call. Do I look like I'm the one writing this fic?

-They all fall silent.-

**Jack: **WELL? DO I???

**All: **No, Jack.

**Jack: **I thought so!

**Libby: **Hey Jack, have you ever seen LOST before?

**Jack: **What? Isn't that that show that.. LMAO! I saw that ages ago and HATED it! I was bored five minutes in, so we watched Hannah Montana instead.

**Ana-Lucia: **_We?_

**Jack: **Me and.. PeeWee.

**Juliet: **Oh, for the love of god. Is THAT why you didn't want me coming over?!

**Sayid: **Who do you think is in the coffin?

**Libby: **I think it's Scott. I mean Steve. I mean Locke. I mean DAVID HASSELHOFF!!

**Nikki: **David who?

**All: **DAVID HASSELHOFF!!!!

**Nikki: **Ohhhhhh! _Him!_

**Michael: **It's me, man. The writers confirmed it.

**Juliet: **Did they hell! They did nothing of the sort, Michael!

**Michael: **Yeah, might aswell be.. who else could it be. _Sawyer?_

**Jack: **Come to think of it, Kate _was _looking pretty upset in my flash forward.. I put it down to it being her time of the month at the time, though.

**Juliet: **You are the biggest imbecile on the planet.

**Jack: **Hey, I'm not _really _like this! THIS IS FANFICTION! IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD!!

**Ana-Lucia: **Someone seriously needs to end this chapter because it really, really, really, really.. really, sucks.

**Libby: **Dang. I guess she's really run out of ideas now.

_**AN: **__But I HAVEN'T!! BWAHAHAHAHA! If you didn't like it sucks for you, because I thought it was rather amusing myself. Then again MY idea of amusing is, well.. this. But anyway, it WAS amusing, don't you think?? Next round all will return to normal :) My head is just allover the place right now. BYE! xo_


	13. Charlie gets an admirer

**Anne: **And now it's time for ROUND EIGHT of THE WEAKEST LINK!

**David Hasselhoff: **With your host, DAVID HASSELHOFF!

**Anne: **Oh no, another drunk wandered onto the set. SECURITY!

**Hasselhoff: **Ma'am, don't you know who I am?

**Anne: **Of course. You're.. hmm.. you're related to one of them, right?

**Hasselhoff: **Oh, no! They're fictional characters on a TV show, whereas I, David Hasselhoff, am totally and completely 100 REAL.

**Anne: **Yes, you go with that. Meanwhile..

**Nikki: **Who is this guy??? Seriously???

**Jack Nicholson: **DAVID HASSELHOFF!!!!!!!!!!

**Nikki: **_OH! _

**Anne: **_MEANWHILE.._

**Libby: **Oh great, now I'm seeing visions David Hasselhoff. Brilliant.

**Nikki: **Who's David Hasselhoff???

**Jack Nicholson: **You saw me too. A vision of me!

**Libby: **Yeah, but you're not important.

**Jack Nicholson: **That's it.. -lifts axe-

**Shelly Duvall: **NO, JACK! NO!!

**Kate: **Why is Libby talking to herself?

**Desmond: **Erm, yano.. Ah think ah might av', yano.. given her some of mah' powers while we were.. yano..

**Jack: **Desmond, are you trying to tell me that you gave Libby some of your powers while you two were having a quickie down a back alley?

**Desmond: **Aye, atleast ah' think so..

**Libby: **Wait, so this isn't because I'm high? I'm actually having visions?? Heavy.

**Desmond: **Oh, didn' noh ya were' high, brutha'. It's probably that, then.

**Anne: **Visions of Hasselhoff and Nicholson, and umm.. the other one, go sit over there while we do this round, mmkay?

-They do, reluctantly.-

**Anne: **Now, let's begin.

**Hasselhoff: **You know who my favourite LOST character is?

**Anne: **-Sigh- _No, David, _we don't know. Who is your favourite LOST character?

**Hasselhoff: **The blonde one.

-Silence..-

**Anne: **Specify, please.

**Libby: **It's me!

**Hasselhoff: **No, it's not you. Who are you anyway? And your nose is way too big.

**Libby: **And.. and I thought surgery would fix it.. -sobs-

**Kate: **I wore a blonde wig once.

**Hasselhoff: **Were you the one in the shower?

**Kate: **YES! I mean, yes.

**Hasselhoff: **Nah, it wasn't you.

**Juliet: **It must have been me, then.

**Hasselhoff: **Doubt it. You scare me! Oh, wait! It was..

-He looks at Charlie.-

**Charlie: **-Blinks- _ME??_

**Hasselhoff: **Yes.. -licks lips- Now come to papa!

**Charlie: **I'm not a gay!

**Michael: **Yeah, right, man.

**Juliet: **Yeah, don't even try that one, Charlie.

**Charlie: **I LOVE CLAIRE! YOU ALL KNOW THAT!

**Claire: **So why have you been spending so much time with Desmond?

**Charlie: **WTF? Where'd you come from?

**Claire: **Just passing through. So, you love me?

**Charlie: **YEAH! I'm not gay, anyway. Sorry, Mr. Hasselhoff!

**Hasselhoff: **Well.. neither am I! Hmph! Can we edit that out please, Ms Robinson??

**Anne: **No. Way too amusing to be edited out, sorry.

**Hasselhoff: **Damnit..

**Anne: **NOW WE'RE STARTING! If anyone says one WORD, just one WORD, i will.. erm.. I'll call the Others.

**Ben: **Do you have their number?

**Anne: **Um, um, um..

**Sawyer: **She doesn't have it.

**Kate: **Haha.

**Anne: **Yes I DO! And even if I haven't, I can still look it up in the PHONE BOOK!

**Ben: **It isn't in there. It's secret, and only I have it. PWNED!

**Juliet: **You totally pwned her there, Benji.

**Ben: **Sorry.. BENJI?

**Juliet: **Just trying it out.. suits you I think.

**Anne: **TIME FOR ROUND EIGHT! EVERYONE STFU!

-They do.-

**Anne: **Jesus, to think this started out as a SERIES fic and NOW look what's happened! It's a travesty..

**Hasselhoff: **That it is.

**Anne: **Quiet, you. We'll start with the strongest link from the last round. That's you, Kate. It's time to play -- THE WEAKEST LINK!

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Paulo, when Kate and Juliet were having their little mudfight in 'Left Behind', which was probably arousing to most males..

**Sawyer: **Darn right!

**Anne: **..what part of Juliet's body did Kate manage to dislocate when she totally pwned that little blonde bitch's ass in said mudfight?

**Paulo: **That would be her shoulder.

**Anne: **Correct. Michael..

**Juliet: **Pfft! She didn't PWN me! I can NEVER be PWNED!

**Ben: **Seriously, Juliet. She beat your ass. Time to move on..

**Juliet: **I wasn't ready for her! I'd have given her the ass kicking of her life if I'd been READY!

**Kate: **Yeah, blaming it on the timing AGAIN.

**Anne: **Ahem, Michael.

**Michael: **Bank.

**Anne: **What was the name of the woman that Desmond found hanging in a tree?

**Michael: **YO! I LEFT IN SERIES 2! ON MAA' BOAT! WITH MAA' BOY! WHO I LOST AGAIN WHEN WE CAME TO THE STUDIO! WAAAALLLLTTTTTT!

**Anne: **Your point being..?

**Michael: **Ummmm.. okay.. woman in a tree.. ummmm.. was her name.. McMonkey Woman?

**Anne: **The correct answer was NAOMI. You ignorant FOOL.

**Michael: **NOW THAT HURT! THAT HURT A LOT!

**Anne: **Sun, what was the name of the man who Jin beat up umm.. a while ago. In series 3. In The Glass Ballerina.

**Sun: **Jae Lee. I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT MAN!!

**Jin: **Jiha kwakki??

**Sun: **No, honey, we're not gonna' die. They blew up the hatch in Series 2, remember??

**Anne: **Nikki..

**Nikki: **BANK!

**Anne: **What happens when you go into cardiac arrest?

**Nikki: **The normal circulation of blood stops due to failure of the heart to contract effectively during systole.

**-**Everyone starts to back away slowly.-

**Anne: **Okay everyone, don't panic. She's obviously been brain-washed or something.. the Others must be here in the studio..

**Ben: **Dude, they're not here. And I'm scared as you are.

**Nikki: **HEY! I'm smart, you know!

**Anne: **Yes, you go with that. Okay, false alarm. Jack..

**Jack: **Yes ma'am?

**Anne: **How long has it been since you went out with a good-looking yet middle-aged woman?

**Jack: **Never.

**Anne: **You've been missing out!

**Hasselhoff: **That's his girlfriend over there, Anne. You're crossin' a line. A VERY THIN LINE!

**Anne: **Oh, stfu.

**Juliet: **OMG! I'll beat your ass if you go near him!

**Kate: **And I'll beat your ass when Juliet figures out she can't beat anyones ass for shit!

**Jack: **Best back off, Anne. The ladies have spoken.

**Anne: **Pff.. I'm so lonely..

**Jack: **Cheer up. I'm sure Annur will pair you up with Sawyer soon enough.

**Anne: **Yeuch.

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Times up and you banked £200. Who just needs to push off back to the island? It's time to vote off, The Weakest Link.

**Previously On Lost Guy: **_Nikki is currently the strongest link, having answered the most questions correctly. Michael is the weakest link. But how will the voting go?_

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!_

**Kate: **Michael.

**Jack:** Michael.

**Juliet:** Michael.

**Michael:** WAAAAALLTTTT! I mean, Charlie.

**Libby:** Michael.

**Paulo: **Michael.

**Nikki**: Michael.

**Sawyer:** Mike.

**Desmond:** Erm.. Sun.

**Charlie:** Sun.

**Jin: **WALT! MONSTAH! MICHAEL!

**Sun:** Libby.

**Locke:** Michael.

**Ben:** Michael.

**Hurley: **Michael.

_DDDDDUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Libby, why Michael?

**Libby: **Isn't it obvious? He SHOT me! And just as I was working up the courage to ask him out, aswell!

**Anne: **You liked Michael??

**Libby: **Yeah, I sure as hell wanted to get me a piece of that ass.

**Anne: **Very disturbing.. Sun, why Libby?

**Sun: **She's a stoner! You know that movie Clerks? Well, they should have cast HER in that!

**Anne: **Harsh words. Well, Michael..

**Michael: **Shyeah?

**Anne: **You are the Weakest Link, goodbye!

_DDDDDUUUUUUUNNNNNN!_

_-Backstage-_

**Michael: **Yeah, they all hate me. Just 'cause I bumped off a couple of stupid ass ho's back in Series 2. Now if you'll excuse me... WAAAALLLLTTTTTT! SUUUUSSSAAAAANNNNNN! VIIIINNNNCCEEENNNTTTT!! -Sobs- Someone hold me.

_END OF ROUND EIGHT_


	14. Ana logs onto her myspace

-Ana is strolling down the corridors, as you do. When she finds.. -gasp- A ROOM! in the room there is a computer, so Ana wanders inside, locking the door behind her and sitting down, gazing at the blank screen. She turns on the computer and logs herself in, then proceeds to check her messages on myspace. Then she remembers she is making a new one, but still checks her messages and bulletins and crap anyway. She grins, seeing she has new messages. She is definitely popular. She has like, 317 friends. However she grimaces when she sees what the message says and whom it is from.-

_Message from: __**JamestheCowboy**_

_"Me + you + alcohol equals sex equals love" _

-Ana's eyes widen. She is actually scared. Then she notices another message from Sawyer and hesitates before clicking on it.

_Message from: __**JamestheCowboy**_

_"Oh yeah, meet me after the show. Sorry, you were probably freaked out by that last msg."_

-THAT is definitely an understatement. Ana sighs impatiently and clicks on the next msg, also from Sawyer.-

_Message from: __**JamestheCowboy**_

_"P.S I love you"_

-She deletes all of them and looks at her top friends. She has 10. Jack is currently her top friend, but she changes this due to him voting her out in round four. Her second friend is Libby, who she removes from her friends alltogether. She adds Locke, and removes Sawyer from her top ten. She notices she has new comments from Danny.-

_**Dannyrox4eva:**_

_"Hey Ana. I haven't seen you in a while. I was wondering if you'd like to hang out again sometime, unless of course you're held up. I mean for all I know you could be stuck on an island in the middle of nowhere. But, what do I know. All I did was leave you when that guy shot you. I think I'm rambling. Anyway, give me a call sometime."_

-Ana removes Danny from her friends, cursing. She then notices she has friend requets from Juliet and Boone, and adds them both. She looks at Juliet's profile and notices that her 'Status' is set to 'In a Relationship'. She looks at her 'Who I'd like to meet' and sees some emo crap about how she's already met someone and how she'll love them forever. There's a picture of Juliet and Jack below, dressed in blonde wigs and pulling weird faces. Ana looks away, shuddering, and scrolls down to look at Juliet's comments.-

_**DocJackS:**_

_"We're finished, it's over. You cheated on me!!"_

-Ana snorts.-

_**BenHeartsJules:**_

_"Change your profile. DO IT NOW!!"_

_**MrsKwon: **_

_Heyyyy gurrrrlfrrieeeenddd! ZOMG you cmin on Weakest Link wiv uz?? Plzzzzz! Luv yu ope u cm luv Sun x_

_**JamestheCowboy:**_

_"Thanx for the add! Wassup? U up 2 much?"_

-Deciding she doesn't want to read anymore, Ana goes back and notices that Michael is one of her top friends. She DELETES him. Then she logs on MSN and checks her e-mails. She has some junk mail, but looks at it before deleting it.-

_"HAVE __**YOU **__BEEN BRUTALLY MURDERED ON LOST? DOES IT SEEM LIKE YOUR ONCE PROMISING CAREER HAS GONE DOWN THE TUBES? LOOK NO FURTHER THAN __**DEAD-LOSTIES **__IF YOU WANT THAT PROMISING CAREER BACK AGAIN!"_

-She doesn't read any further, but deletes it. She then notices someone has started a conversation with her. To her dismay, it turns out to be Sawyer.-

_**JAMES!! says:**_

_"I CAN C U"_

-Ana backs away, looking around the dark room.-

_**JAMES!! says:**_

_"JK I CANT RLY SO WAT U BIN UP 2?"_

_**A.L says:**_

_"WAT?? I JST TLKED 2 U A WHILE AGO I AM IN THE STUDIO WIV U!!!!!"_

_**JAMES!! says:**_

_"O RITE I 4GOT!!!! NEWAY I AV BROKE UP WIV KATE I WANT 2 B UR B.F"_

_**A.L says:**_

_"ERM NO I HAV GONE OFF MEN 4 NOW SAWYER"_

_**JAMES!! says:**_

_"WAT R U ON ABOWT??? HOW CAN U GO OFF MEN???"_

_**A.L says:**_

_"COZ 1 SHOT ME, I'M LEANING 2WARDS WOMAN ATM"_

_**JAMES!! says:**_

_"TOTAL BS!!!"_

_**A.L says:**_

_"SO WAT ELS DO U WANT COZ I FINK DA NEXT ROUND IZ STARTIN"_

_**JAMES!! says:**_

_"PLZZZZ I LUV U!!!!!!!"_

-Little hearts begin to show up and Ana sighs impatiently.-

_**JAMES!! says:**_

_"CM ON PLZZZZZZZZZZ"_

_**A.L says:**_

_"NO!!!!!!!!!!"_

_**-Jack-N-Juliet- has been added to the conversation**_

_**-Jack-N-Juliet- says:**_

_"WAT U ADDIN ME 4?????"_

_**JAMES!! says:**_

_"SHUDNT ANA GO OUT WIV ME!!!! WE R LYK MENT 2 B!!!!!"_

_**-Jack-N-Juliet- says:**_

_"NO U R NOT!!!! U R GOIN OUT WIV KATE U STOOPID REDNECK!!!!!"_

_**A.L says:**_

_"JAK Y IS UR NAME JULIET SHE DUMPED U!!!!!!"_

_**-Jack-N-Juliet- says:**_

_"O RYT SOZ"_

_**-Jack-N-Juliet- has changed his or her name to -Jack-Is-Alone-**_

_**-Jack-Is-Alone- says:**_

_"DER WE GO!"_

_**JAMES!! says:**_

_"WEL I GTG 4 NOW COZ ROUND IS STARTIN BUT WIL LOG ON AFTA KK?!"_

_**A.L says:**_

_"I AM BLOKIN U!!!!!"_

_**-Jack-Is-Alone- says:**_

_"BI BI SAWYER CYA L8R XXXX"_

_**JAMES!! says:**_

_"CYA JACKO XXXXXXX BI BI A.L LUV U!!! XXXXXX"_

_**JAMES!! has left the conversation**_

_**-Jack-Is-Alone- says:**_

_"I SHID GO 2 BI BI ANA LUV U XXXXXX"_

_**-Jack-Is-Alone- has left the conversation**_

-Ana groans. Suddenly, someone else signs in. It us Shannon.-

_**ShAnNoN 4 SaYiD --if i cud turn bak time!!-- has just signed in**_

-Suddenly, Shannon starts talking to Ana.-

_**ShAnNoN 4 SaYiD --if i cud turn bak time!!-- says:**_

_"WUBU2?"_

_**A.L says: **_

_"NOTHING MUCH U??? JUST TALKIN 2 JACK AND SAWYER BUT THEV GON NOW"_

_**ShAnNoN 4 SaYiD --if i cud turn bak time!!-- says:**_

_"O KLKL"_

_**ShAnNoN 4 SaYiD --if i cud turn bak time!!-- says:**_

_"I AM LYK SOOOOOO BORED!!!"_

_**ShAnNoN 4 SaYiD --if i cud turn bak time!!-- says:**_

_"R U THERE????"_

_**A.L says:**_

_"YE AM JUST LUKIN AT MYSPACE"_

_**ShAnNoN 4 SaYiD --if i cud turn bak time!!-- says:**_

_"O KK I HAVE 2 GO NOW SAYID IS HERE BYEEEE XXXXXX"_

_**A.L says:**_

_"KK CYA"_

_**ShAnNoN 4 SaYiD --if i cud turn bak time!!-- is now offline**_

-With that Ana signed off and left the room. She groaned, seeing Sawyer strolling towards her.-

**Sawyer: **Hey, Hot Lips.

**Ana-Lucia: **Don't send me anymore creepy messages on myspace, you jerk.

**Sawyer: **Wtf? I haven't logged on that piece of shit in three weeks. What the hell are you goin' on about, woman?

-He shakes his head and walks off. Ana stares after him. So, if it wasn't Sawyer.. then who had been using his myspace and msn account?-

_**AN: **__Yeah it wasn't that funny but WHO CARES :D Anyone read the new HP book? I've started it.. not as good as the others. Not enough Ron and Hermione action!! Hehe. Anyway, R&R as always, thanks ya'll!_


	15. Sawyer has been hacked

_**AN: **__As __**SassyLostie **__pointed out I did indeed make a mistake in the last chapter. I would correct it, But.. you know, I don't want to. It's more of the fact that I can't be bothered, really. Maybe I will, someday. I'll probably change it tommorow. Anyway! It's in the past. _

**WHO HACKED SAWYER FORD?**

_THAT IS THE QUESTION._

**OR **_IS _**IT?**

**Anne: **Yes, _it is._

**OH, RIGHT. **

**CARRY ON **_THEN._

_-Later-_

**Ana-Lucia: **Omg, you guys!

**Anne: **Ana-Lucia, you are not permitted to be in here!

**Ana-Lucia: **Yes, but--

**Anne: **No ifs, ands, but's, or WALT'S young lady!

**Ana-Lucia: **Something horrible has happened!

-Gasp-

**Libby: **What is it Ana? Did Michael shoot Walt?

**Kate: **Did the Others burst in on you and torture you for information?

**Sawyer: **Did you perhaps _spill _my _cuppichino?_

-Silence-

**Juliet: **Umm Sawyer, wtf.

**Sawyer: **What?? Okay, here's the story. I made myself a coffee-- no, no. A _cuppichino! _But before I get to drink it, I hear one of those inaudible whispers ya'll are always hearin' in the jungle. An' then Kate runs down the hall with a big ass _horse! _

-More Silence-

**Sawyer: **So naturally I SPILL my cuppichino allover the floor! But I managed to save some of it. Half of it, actually. But then I realise I'm runnin' late so I hurry to get back here.. I hid it from view, but maybe, just _maybe.._

**Kate: **Shut up, Sawyer, seriously.

**Sawyer: **Anything for you, dear.

**Ana-Lucia: **Okay, moving _away_ from what is possibly the most frightening statement I have ever heard in my life, I was on Myspace..

**Juliet: **Did you get my add?!

**Ana-Lucia: **Yeah, but seriously, change the pic.

**Jack: **I concur.

**Juliet: **What?? It's a NICE picture! It reminds me of when Jack and I got hammered and dressed up as members of BLONDIE!

**Charlie: **Isn't there only ONE female singer in Blondie?

**Juliet: **Oh, yeah. Come to think of it, I think Jack was supposed to be Debby Harry and I was supposed to be Stevie Nicks.

**Ana-Lucia: **SOMEONE HACKED SAWYER!!

-They all gasp.-

**Anne: **Really? Surely not?

**Ana-Lucia: **It's true, I was just online talking to him and then I passed him in the corridor and he had no idea what I was talking about!

**Locke: **How do you know he wasn't just being 'Sawyer' and trying to piss you off?

**Ana-Lucia: **I could tell, all right? He's been hacked. On both msn AND myspace!

**Desmond: **Aye, ah nuu' this would 'appen, brutha'.

**Libby: **You _knew _Sawyer would get hacked?

**Desmond: **Aye, was a premonition, sistah.

**Sawyer: **All right, which one of ya'll has bin' readin' my goddamn messages in MY goddamn inbox!

-They all look at Ben.-

**Ben: **Hey, don't look at me! I'm off-duty, remember?

**Kate: **True.

**Jin: **If I could speak English, I might beable to tell you who did it..

**Nikki: **What was that, Jin?

**Jin: **Schiwuu habnaa?

**Kate: **BTW Ana, check out one of the reviews. SassyLostie wants to know why you're still here!

**Jack: **Yeah, why are you still here?

**Nikki: **Didn't you, like, get voted off?

**Ana-Lucia: **Ooookay. Here's what happened. So I was going back to my car. I found SOMEONE had tampered with the breaks.

-Gives Sawyer the evil eye-

**Ana-Lucia: **So, I went to ask Libby for a ride. Of course I'd already told her she needed to go to rehab..

**Libby: **And I said _no! no! no!_

**Ana-Lucia: **Yeah, _whatever.. _so I tried Shannon and Sayid but discovered them making out in the backseat of Sayid's ride, so I thought _no way. _So Vin Diesel is giving me a ride, but he won't get here for a few hours. So, I'm stuck here! So, deal with it SassyLostie!

**Kate: **HEY! SassyLostie is cool! She reviews this crappy fanfic regularly!

**Ana-Lucia: **Yeah well, why SHOULDN'T I still be here? I make LOST what it is.

**Juliet: **You were killed off like, a year ago. 'Nuff said.

**Hurley: **Dude.. harsh.

**Juliet: **But it's true! Face it Ana-Lucia, nobody wants you here.

-Sad music starts to play and tears roll down Ana's cheeks.-

**Ana-Lucia: **_You - you don't -- want me??_

**All: **NO!

-Ana runs off in tears and sad music starts.-

**Anne: **Enough of her already. TIME FOR ROUND NINE!

**Libby: **Totally.

**Anne: **We'll start with KATE this time around, seeing as I forgot to start with her the last time.

**Nikki: **Meh.

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Kate, finish this sentence. I work for the..

**Kate: **..mob?

**Anne: **DHARMA INITATIVE! Hurley,

**Hurley: **Dude?

**Anne: **What was the last episode of Series 2 called?

**Hurley: **Live together, die alone, right?

**Anne: **Correct. Sawyer..

**Kate: **De ja vu?

**Anne: **Sawyer, what was your nickname for Ethan?

**Sawyer: **Jungle boy! Pwned.

**Anne: **Correct. Ben,

**Ben: **Bank!

**Anne: **Ana-Lucia Cortez made her living as..?

**Ben: **A police officer.

**Anne: **Woahh, are you on a roll or what? Charlie!

**Charlie: **Hello.

**Anne: **What was Sawyer's nickname to Libby?

**Charlie: **Ehh, hippy-stoner-woman?

**Anne: **Moonbeam. Nikki, name the date that John F Kennedy was assasinated?

**Nikki: **November 22nd, 1963 by gunshot. They still haven't figured out what happened, and most likely never will.

**Anne: **That's, that's..

-She faints on the spot.-

**Libby: **OMG! Anne!

**Kate: **Can we get a Doctor in here??

-Dr. Bailey and Dr. Meredith Grey burst in.-

**Bailey: **What's the diagnosis, Grey??

**Grey: **She's uh, fainted.

**Bailey: **So what we gonna do??

**Grey: **SURGERY!! Muhahaha! -takes out scissors-

**Jack: **Woah wait a minute! I'M the Doctor here!

**Bailey: **And you are?

**Jack: **Doctor Shepherd? Doctor JACK??

**Bailey: **Sorry, must be off some other fictional TV show.

**Grey: **She's stabalising.

-starts to address audience-

**Grey: **Annur has no idea about medical talk and such. So, she's improvising. And for those of you who haven't seen Grey's Anatomy, that's your fault! Not ours!

**Sawyer: **Enough o' this crap! What's wrong with her?

**Hurley: **Yeah man, is she hurt??

**Anne: **I'm fine..

**Bailey: **You sure? 'Cause we can--

**Anne: **I'm fine, I told you! Now let me up..

**Jack: **Are you okay, Anne?

**Anne: **Yes! Now get these morons out of here..

**Grey: **It's been fun.

**Anne: **Yes, whatever. Now get out of here before I start cursing.

-They leave.-

**Anne: **ANYWAY! Sun..

**Sun: **Bank!

**Anne: **Your lover from Korea is..?

**Sun: **Jae Lee. I mean..

-Jin is staring at her angrily at the mention of Jae Lee.-

**Sun: **I mean! I mean! OMG! What do I mean?!

**Libby: **Run for it Sun!

-She does.-

**Jin: **What the hell? I was just pissed at her because she made me put gell in my hair!

**Anne: **Erm? Can we assume she's not coming back?

**Charlie: **Guess so..

**Libby: **No, wait, here she is! Nah, it's just David Hasselhoff. Damn visions..

**Hoff: **Hi there!

_-Backstage-_

**Sun: **I'm NOT going back in there! I refuse! I REFUSE!

_**AN: **__Yes, not exactly eliminated but Sun is goooone! Bye-bye Sun! Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter!_

**Still In Game:**

Kate

Jack **-Favourite to win-**

Juliet

Libby

Paulo

Nikki

Sawyer

Desmond

Charlie **-Favourite to win-**

Jin

Locke

Ben

Hurley

**Eliminated:**

**Shannon: **Round One

**Danielle: **Round Two

**Sayid: **Round Three

**Ana-Lucia: **Round Four

**Claire: **Round Five

**Boone: **Round Six

**Eko: **Round Seven

**Michael: **Round Eight

**Sun: **Round Nine


	16. Kate and Locke go tracking

_**AN: **__HELLO! I bet you've been waiting all day for me to post a new chapter.. no thought not you all have lives unlike me hehe, anyway here is THE latest chapter! But unfortunately we are waving bye bye to a certain Lostie in this chapter! Yuuup and they won't be in future chapters as I fear I might have eh, how do I put this, 'over used' them just a little bit. Still read ooooon! _

-Right, so Ana-Lucia had been walking. Yep, just walking.. around. Waiting for lushious Vin Desiel to arrive in one of his fabtastic cars to pick her up so they could go for a spin with Letty who oddly enough resembles Ana! Well yes, so she'd been walking around, waiting impatiently.-

_-Heavy breathing that you often hear when the murderer is about to kill his victim-_

**Ana-Lucia: **Vin? Honey? Is that you? Or is it you, Sawyer? I know you're just kidding around, but this isn't funny anymore!

_-Footsteps-_

**Ana-Lucia: **Vin fgs! Just come out and stop being an idiot!

-Then she turns around and is face to face with her mysterious _stalker._-

**Ana-Lucia: **It's you.. Oh my god.. It's _you!_

-Oddly enough Ana goes crazy and tries to run away, but the stalker catches up to her and..-

THWWWYYYAAACCKKKKK!

Ana died.

AGAIN.

But now she is really dead as on LOST if you die twice you're OFFICIALLY dead.

Don't question it!

**Libby: **Ana?

-Libby screams when she sees Ana dead.-

**Charlie: **Oh, bollocks.

**Juliet: **What happened to her?

**Jack: **Looks like she was hid over the head by.. A FRYING PAN!!!

-Gasp-

**Kate: **No.. no.. not the.. not the frying pan..

**Jack: **I know Kate, bad memories. Just hug it out.

-She does.-

**Sawyer: **Hey! Get your hands off my girl, Doc!

**Kate: **I'm not your girl anymore! It's over, Sawyer!

**Sawyer: **Whaaa?!

**Juliet: **Suliet is an underrated ship, don't you think?

**Sawyer: **Oh get over yourself, Blondie!

**Nikki: **OMG! We need to get Jack!! I think she's still breathing!!

-Silence-

**Nikki: **I FEEL A PULSE!!!!

**Paulo: **That's my pulse, Nikki. You're feeling for MY pulse. Ana is over there!

-he points so she doesn't get confused.-

**Nikki: **Ahh. -Absolutely no trace of embarressment-

**Ben: **Moving along, I think we need to move her body. Anyone know of her last wishes?

**Juliet: **Let's cremate her!!

**Ben: **I'm with you there. C'mon!

-Burn baby Burn music starts to play.-

**Jack: **Hold on!

-Music dies.-

**Jack: **What's with you people? I for one want to say a few words in memory of Ana. If anyone else wants to, they can come with me. Anyone coming?

-Nobody does.-

**Jack: **Oh.. well.. I don't want to go alone.. the nasty stalker might be--be--

-He starts to cry. AGAIN.-

**Libby: **Don't cry Jack!

**Nikki: **Yeah! By now the stalker is probably already killing one of the people who already went back into the building!

**Desmond: **Did someone say mah' name?? 

-Des appears. He is wearing his SUPER DES suit, much to everyones annoyance.-

**Libby: **Unless your name is Building, I don't think she did, Des.

**Desmond: **Even so, I'll help ye' find yer' killer!

-he morphs into Horatio. You know, from CSI Miami? Whatever..-

**Horatio: **Oooookaaaayyyyy.. Maybe that's what he wants us to think. Oh, wait. I don't say that for a while yet. Anyway, what seems to be the problem eh..

**Jack: **Jack.

**Horatio: **Jack. Woah, looks like someone killed this young girl over here. Anyone know who did it?

**Nikki: **No, that's why you're here, isn't it?

**Horatio: **Er, yeah right. -Puts on tinted sunglasses- Mmm. I'm ghetto.

**Libby: **Oh, god..

**Nikki: **It's one of THOSE chapters, is it?

**Jack: **I fear you may be right.

-Kate appears with Locke and Charlie.-

**Kate: **Who's THIS guy?

**Jack: **Horatio. Don't you watch CSI?

**Kate: **Erm, no. I run from the law a lot so I don't have time to indulge in crappy SCI-FI shows.

**Charlie: **Er Kate, CSI isn't sci-fi.. is it?

**Locke: **It's going to start raining in two seconds.

-It doesn't.-

**Locke: **Wow, I have really lost it.

**Horatio: **Now, I need to examine.. THE EVIDENCE!!

**Jack: **What evidence?

**Horatio: **Well isn't there a murder weapon around here or something?

**Charlie: **Erm, the killer usually makes a note to take the evidence with him, incase any detectives come along and find it..

**Kate: **Exactly.

**Locke: **I think Kate and I should go hunting in this parking lot as we are the best trackers ever.

**Kate: **Word, homie.

**Jack: **Hey! I'm a perfectly good tracker!

**Kate: **Perleez Jack, you can't track shit!

**Locke: **I concur!

**Kate: **He screamed like a little bitch when Ethan was kickin' his a-s-s into next week! It was totally awesome.

**Jack: **If you were there why didn't you help me?!

**Kate: **I was watching from _afar! _

**Horatio: **Enough of this, I don't want to hear about personal matters..

**Kate: **Well, fine. Come on Locke, let's go track us a mysterious stalker dude.

**Locke: **I'm with ya'.

-They go tracking. Jack is left standing with Charlie and Horatio.-

**Charlie: **Good chapter?

**Jack: **No, definitely not.

**Charlie: **I think it was better than the last one.

**Jack: **Yeah, I guess you're right.

**Charlie: **Shall we carry her inside then?

**Horatio: **NOOOO!

-He dives infront of them-

**Horatio: **You can't touch her! There may be finger prints!

**Kate: **OMG! I FOUND A SHOE!

-She has indeed found a shoe. Locke examines in-

**Locke: **Hmmm.. omg Kate, check this out!

-She does. It says QUARANTINE on the back of the shoe.-

**Kate: **Oh, no. Does that mean there's a hatch inside this shoe?

**Locke: **Er no, don't pull a Nikki on us, Kate.

**Kate: **Sorry, but what does that mean?

**Locke: **I don't know, Kate. I don't know.

CHAPTER COMES TO A **DRAMATIC**_ CLOSE_.

_**AN: **__Awww, poor A.L! Let's sing a song for her.. _

_Girls, girls, they wanna have fun! Girls!_

_No, wait, forget it.._

_If you thought this was bad wait for the next chapter!_

_Vin Diesel attends Ana-Lucia's funeral, and all hell breaks loose!_


	17. Jack sings Chicago

_**AN: **_

_Okaii._

_I gotta like, explain some stuff to ya'll._

_The game show ISN'T over. It's still going. Except I just thought It'd be funny to add some stupid nonsense chapters.. everyone has appeared to like them so far, but I will try to tone down the nonsense in the actual game show rounds. My apologies:) _

_Another 'break' chapter. It's another special one for Ana, it being her funeral and all... well anyway, I hope I won't have to write too much about Vin, I don't think much of him either. But he's going to be there obviously. But just for this chapter!_

_Read on!_

x

-Yes, we can hardly believe it. Ana is dead. Jack, Sawyer, Paulo and Hurley carry the coffin down the aisle. Locke is the priest.. the rest of them are sitting down, either crying or wondering what the hell happened. Okay, so only Jack is crying. But the REST of them are wondering what happened. Who would kill Ana? And more importantly, why??-

**Jack: **It's all part of the mystery. WHO did it.

**Juliet: **What?

**Jack: **Nevermind..

**Locke: **People, people, let's be seated.

-They sit.-

**Locke: **We are gathered here today to-- eh, I mean.. we're here to pay our uh, respects, to Ana-Lucia Cortez. A fine woman, who will always be remembered as uh.. a fine woman. Anyway, Saywer?

-Sawyer comes up and stands before them.-

**Sawyer: **You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like Ana. Ana liked to punch people. No, not punch. THWACK! So I'm walkin' in the jungle one day and she's there and so I'm really irritated, and I'm lookin' for a bit of action but instead of giving it to me she punches me. No, not punch. THWACK! So I say to her - I said, if you THWACK me like that ONE more time.. -sigh- and she did. So I got talkin' to Michael and convinced him to fire two warning shots.. into her head.

**Locke: **Umm.. what? Okay, well said, Sawyer. If you could just take your seat, we'll uh.. Jack? Didn't you want to say a few words?

-Jack stands before them now as Sawyer steps down.-

**Jack: **I met Ana-Lucia Cortez in an airport in Sydney Australia about ten minutes before the flight took off, and she asked if I was single, and we hit it off right away. So, we don't see eachother for a bit after that. Then I bump into her on the island and we hit it off again. She'd walk around acting badass, and I'd walk around after her acting well.. like myself. And then I found out.. "She has a fringe? Does she hell!" Turns out she managed to grow her fringe out before the flight took off! So one night, she comes over to me, and I give her a bottle of water. You know, some girls just can't hold their poison.

**Locke: **Wow, this is.. weird. Okay, Charlie! Get up here.

-He does.-

**Charlie: **Now I'm standing by a tree, enjoying my heroin, minding my own business. Ana storms up to me in a jealous rage, "You gave Sayid my gun?!" She was crazy! And she kept on screamin', "You gave Sayid my gun?!" And then she ran into my knife. She ran into my knife _ten times._

**Locke: **Uuuuummmmm..

**Jin: **-Speaks random Korean-

**Nikki: **Yeah but did ya' do it??

**Jin: **No! Boat! Walt!

**Locke: **NIKKI!

**Nikki: **My boyfriend Paulo and I were jewel thieves, and Ana took an interest in us. Now, we'd usually do it like this.. I'd find a rich guy, flirt with him, sleep with him, harrass him until he fell deeply in love with me. And it always worked. Things were going great til we crashed and met Ana. Well, this one night we're sittin' by our shelter with Ana, three of us gettin' drunk, having some laughs. So I go off to the caves to get fresh water. I come back, open the tarp, and there's Ana and Paulo.. ermm, in a _strange _position! Well, I was in such a state of shock I threw the bottle at her.. but it didn't kill her! She woke up and beat the shit outta' me.

**Locke: **This is getting weird.

**Eko: **-suddenly appears- I loved Ana-Lucia Cortez more than I could possibly say. She was a real tough girl, badass, a cop. But she was always trying to shoot guys in the street.. She'd go out every night and one night she found Jason, Danny, and Goodwin. And she shot them. I guess you can say we broke up because she shot three innocent men. That bitch was crazy.

**Jack: **SHE HAD IT COMIN'!! SHE HAD IT...

-Everyone stares at him as he suddenly breaks into song.-

**Jack: **-Ahem- Anyway.. Rest in peace, Ana. Yeah.

**Charlie: **We beat the crap out of Chicago.

**Locke: **You have no consideration, do you?

**Charlie: **No, none atall.

-DOOR BURSTS OPEN-

**Vin Diesel: **ANA!!! LETTY'S HERE! WE BROUGHT THE CAR!!

-Everyone looks round at him.-

**Vin: **-Shrugs- What?

**Juliet: **Who the hell is this guy?

**Jack: **Katie, get my gun.

**Sawyer: **HEY! THAT'S MY LINE!

**Kate: **Oh god, this is going to get ugly..

**Vin: **Yo, where's my homegurl at?

**Locke: **SHE'S DEAD! SHE DIED! THIS IS A FUNERAL! I AM THE PRIEST! I'M TRYING MY DAMNED HARDEST HERE BUT YOU GUYS ARE PARODYING CHICAGO AND THE FAST AND FURIOUS! HONESTLY, WHAT IS THE POINT?!

**Ben: **That's the spirit, John. I think I'll let you join us now.

**Locke: **Really? That's all it took?

**Vin: **OMG! MICHELL-- I MEAN, ANA! NOOOOOO!

**Nikki: **Like awwwwzzz, were you two like, close?

**Vin: **What? No! Of course not! I was just displaying my acting talents to you all. By means I have no talent, I suck. My fans need to realise this.

**Sawyer: **I realise it.

**Vin: **Good for you, Soldier! You make it your mission to make sure there isn't another Vin Diesel fan alive by tommorow morning!

**Kate: **I'm a Vin Diesel fan. I LOVE your WORK!

-Sawyer already has the axe in his grip-

**Jack: **Okay, enough of this. If we don't get back now Anne will down another ten cups of coffee, and by now I'm guessing she's already had atleast five! Remember guys? Anne and caffiene DO NOT mix well!

**Libby: **Oh my god!

**Paulo: **For REALS??

**Jack: **For REALS homie.

**Libby: **-Nudging Jack- Please god, don't ever do that again.

**Jack: **I'll try not to.

**Locke: **It's time someone ended this chapter. I'll never see Chicago in the same light again.

**Nikki: **Me neither.

**Libby: **Trippy!

_**AN: **__KINDA RANDOM WASN'T IT?? Did you all get the Chicago bit? hahahaha. Dunno why I did that. But I thought it was swell. Anyway.. hope I didn't offend too many Vin fans, but that guy sucks. For REALS. _

_Next chapter will be a VERY SERIOUS chapter._

_For REALS._


	18. Libby takes centre stage

**Anne: **Well, this is the uh.. serious chapter.

-cough-

**Jack: **Yeah uh.. I guess it is.

-more coughing and spluttering-

**Anne: **Anyone want some tea?

**Libby: **Oh yes, I'd love some!

**Anne: **I'm sorry but.. we can't.. this is.. a.. serious.. chapter.

**Libby: **...Oh. Right.

-Silence as everyone twiddles their thumbs.-

**Paulo: **Diamonds are forever..

**Nikki: **..they won't leave in the night

**Paulo: **Have no fear that they miiight..

**Nikki: **DESERT you!

**Charlie: **Oi!

-Everyone is staring at them, outraged that they could start singing in this SERIOUS chapter.-

**Nikki: **S-Sorry.

**Anne: **Okay! Let's, start this chapter off.. in a serious manner.

**Charlie: **Yes, a serious manner.

**Nikki: **Seriously.

**Anne: **As long as that's understood. NIKKI!

-Nikki was about to start dancing again but she stops now, looking panic-striken.-

**Nikki: **I..I..

**Anne: **Okay. I'll let you off. You're not used to being told what to do. I'm calm. Okay, let's begin..

**Kate: **Just a question, are we going to have to act like this for the rest of the fic?

**Anne: **..Yes.

**Juliet: **Are you kidding?! Do you expect Nikki to beable to hold out for that long??

**Nikki: **Yeah! I mean, wait just a goddamn minute here..

**Kate: **Yeah, you just know she'll come out with another of her little remarks..

**Nikki: **I don't think--

**Locke: **Yes, Nikki is stupid.

**Nikki: **YOU JUST BETTER SHUT UP BAWWWLDDDYYY!

**Michael: **Yeah, before I get the police on your ass!

**Hurley: **Dude, weren't you like, voted off?

**Michael: **Yeah, but it just felt like the right time to say that. Now if you'll excuse me.. WAAAAALLLTTTTTTTT!!

**Anne: **Okay, okay, we'll negotiate this LATER! For now, let's get on with ROUND TEN!

_DDDDDDUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!_

**Anne: **Desmundo, what was the name of the crazy man in the mental institution who kept saying the numbers?

**Desmond: **Leonard, brutha'.

**Hurley: **Dude, how d'you know that?

**Desmond: **Ah' wus' readin' your mind again, brutha'.

**Libby: **Trippy.

**Anne: **Jack, what does 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42 make?

**Jack: **Wait, I know, it's 63 right?

**Anne: **...someone elect a new leader. Preferably not an idiot like this guy.

**Libby: **ME!

**Kate: **All in favour of Libby being our new leader say AYE!

**All: **AYE!

**Kate: **All right, Libby is officially our new unofficial leader.

**Libby: **Oh, man, if I wasn't so stoned I'd kiss all of you.

**Jack: **-crying AGAIN- But.. but..

**Anne: **Libby, our new unofficial leader, what was our now ex-unofficial leader's flight number?

**Libby: **23B. IT'S ONE OF THE NUMBERS!

**Anne: **Uh, right.

**Libby: **WE'LL ALL IN PURGATORY!

**Anne: **Kate, what was the name of the woman that Sun killed in S3 episode 2?

**Kate: **Colleen?

**Anne: **Correct. Paulo..

**Paulo: **Bank.

**Anne: **Would I look good with breast implants?

**Paulo: **Umm.. yes.

**Anne: **Correct. Hurley..

**Juliet: **Wait! That wasn't even a real question!

**Kate: **Yeah, you're just hitting on everyone now.

**Anne: **What would give you that idea?

**-**She stops suddenly and stares into space.-

**Nikki: **Omg!

**Charlie: **You better take a look at her Jack.

-He does.-

**Locke: **What's wrong with her?

**Jack: **-Looks at them all gravely.- She's having a flashback.

**Juliet: **Oh no! She could be out for hours!

**Jin: **Uh, boat, sail, Walt...

**Juliet: **Stop doing that Jin, it's not helping!

**Charlie: **Can we snap her out of it?

**Jack: **I'm afraid not. She's too far gone now.

**Hurley: **Sooo like.. what do we do now?

**Jack: **Maybe I should read the rest of the questions..

**Libby: **Ah ah! No, I'M the new leader now!

**Kate: **_Unofficial _leader.

**Libby: **Yeah, whatever.

**Sawyer: **Well someone better do somethin', I need to visit the lavatory.

**Kate: **_Lavatory?_

**Sawyer: **Yeah, Freckles. The _lavatory. _That's what English call it right?

**Charlie: **Yeah, but only the posh gits. We mostly call it a toilet.

**Sawyer: **Toilet, right. Well, I need to go!

**Jack: **She's not coming out of it, guys.

**Libby: **In that case she's probably having some sex dream.

**Kate: **_Libby!_

**Libby: **What! You all know it's true!

**Ben: **I want to say something.

**Juliet: **Nobody likes you, though.

**Ben: **Even so..

**Charlie: **Oh god, here we go..

**Ben: **Someone should just smack her over the head with something. Nikki, go ask Eko for his stick.

**Nikki: **Roger that!

-She runs off backstage. The Losties hear a number of loud crashes before Nikki comes back, bruised and bleeding a little bit.-

**Nikki: **Here.. you.. go!

**Ben: **Good. Now Sawyer, hit her over the head with it!

**Locke: **Ben, may I?

**Ben: **No.

**Locke: **-Whimpers-

**Sawyer: **Incoming..

-THWACKS Anne over the head. She wakes up at once-

**Anne: **What? What's going on?

**Kate: **Anne, seriously, what the hell? This is supposed to be a serious chapter and you start having a flashback!

**Anne: **Sorry.. I was just thinking about..

-She starts having a flashback again.-

**Ben: **Hit her again, Sawyer!

-He does.-

**Anne: **All right, all right! I get the picture! Ouch!

**Juliet: **So can we carry on now?

**Anne: **Yes, fine.. I guess I'll have to remember having sex with Brad Pitt another day.. anyway. Hurley!

**Hurley: **What?

**Anne: **When does Series 4 start?

**Hurley: **September?

**Anne: **No! Febuary you dimwit! Didn't you hear? It's starting in Feb with only 16 episodes.

**Locke: **Really? What a jip!

**Hurley: **Dude, that sucks.

**Juliet: **You know what? I think the guy Jack called on the satellite phone is someone from the DHARMA INITIATIVE.

**Kate: **Omg! Me too! Great minds think alike!

**Juliet: **Awww! Let's hug!

-They do. Jack looks mortified.-

**Jack: **Uhh, didn't you guys hate eachother before?

**Juliet: **We've had our differences yes, but now we're bestest buddies, right Kate?

**Kate: **Sure. I mean, it's not like I would sneak up behind you when no one is around and pound your blonde ass into the ground, right?

**Juliet: **Right!

**Anne: **..anyway.. Sawyer--

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!!_

**Sawyer: **Oh, thank god.

**Anne: **Times up and you banked £200. Who's days are numbered? It's time to vote off, The WEAKEST LINK!

**Previously On Lost Guy: **_Libby is the strongest link, having answered the most questions correctly. Hurley is the weakest link. But how will the voting go?_

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!_

**Kate: **Jul-- I mean, Paulo.

**Jack:** Sawyer.

**Juliet:** Hurley.

**Libby:** Juliet

**Paulo: **Hurley

**Nikki**: Hurley.

**Sawyer:** Hurley

**Desmond:** Hurley, brutha'.

**Charlie:** Hurley.

**Jin: **Uumm.. sail.. raft..

**Locke:** Juliet.

**Ben:** Hurley.

**Hurley: **Aw, dude..

_DDDDUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!_

**Anne: **Juliet, why Hurley?

**Juliet: **He answered a few questions wrong.

**Anne: **He did? Really? Well.. Locke, why Juliet?

**Locke: **She does nothing but whine on and on.. damn these young whipper snappers!

**Anne: **Interesting. Libby..

-They all look at Libby who is crying and holding a photo of Ana-Lucia.-

**Libby: **Why, why, WHY?? We were the TAILIES. WE WERE GONNA PROVAIL!!

**Kate: **Uh, Libby..

**Libby: **Oh, yeah, sorry. What is it?

**Anne: **Libby, I just have to ask, is there something going on between you and Desmundo?

**Libby: **Well, if you really must know... yes.

**Audience: **OMFG! WHAT ARE WE GONNA CALL THIS SHIP?? Libmund! Desby! Libbymundo!

**Libby: **Yeah but we're on a break. I told him I think we should see other people.

**Desmond: **Aye, so am' seein' Kate now, aye.

**Jack: **WHAT?

**Sawyer: **WHAT?

**Kate: **Sorry guys! I just needed to be free of the annoying love triangle for a while! You understand, right?

**Sawyer: **Well.. you coulda' asked..

**Hurley: **Dude, am I voted off?

**Libby: **NOOOOO! NOT HURLEY!

**Hurley: **Shut up bitch, you just admitted you're seeing that Desmond guy. We're OVER.

**Libby: **Ohh snaps!

-He walks off.-

**Anne: **YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK! GOODBYE! Oh damnit.. he's already gone. Could you guys PLEASE let me say the line??

**Juliet: **Oh, shut up.

_**AN: **__Woot! I'm back in business! Hope you liked it!_

**Still In Game:**

Kate

Jack

Juliet

Libby

Paulo

Nikki

Sawyer

Desmond

Charlie

Jin

Locke

Ben

**Eliminated:**

**Shannon: **Round One

**Danielle: **Round Two

**Sayid: **Round Three

**Ana-Lucia: **Round Four

**Claire: **Round Five

**Boone: **Round Six

**Eko: **Round Seven

**Michael: **Round Eight

**Sun: **Round Nine

**Hurley: **Round Ten


	19. Michael is given a message

-Okayyy, so Libby is standing in the hall having a smoke, when Michael comes along.-

**Libby: **Hey, Michael. What are you doing?

**Michael: **Oh, y'know.. tryna **GET MY SON BACK**.

**Libby: **Wow, didn't need to shout.

**Michael: **Yeah well ya'll KNOW what am doin'! I'm tryna find ma damn KID! **WAAALLLTTTT! **

-He tries looking in a trashcan-

**Michael: **WWWAAAALLLLTTTT!

-He tries rattling the vending machine-

**Michael: **WWWAAAALLLLTTTT!

-He tries shaking Libby-

**Michael: **WWWAAAALLLLTTTT!

**Libby: **Ummm..

**Michael: **Yeah, sorry..

-There is a little moment between them. Romantic music begins to play as they slowly lean in to kiss. Then..-

**Klugh: **Michael.

-They both turn around.-

**Michael: **Ohhh maaaan! Got da' KLUGH on my ass now!

**Klugh: **Shut yo' mouth biatch. I just wanted to ask you something.

**Michael: **Oh yeahz?

**Klugh: **YEAHZ.

**Libby: **I'm just gonna..

**Klugh: **Oh noez you don't Missy L, you is stayin for the big finale.

**Michael: **Wait yo, what's going on? What do you want, Klugh?

**Klugh: **Came to deliver a message.

-She gives Michael a piece of paper.-

**Klugh: **It's from Mistah Friendly.

**Michael: **MISTAH FRIENDLY?? FO' REELZ?

**Klugh: **Mistah Friendly wants you to join us.

**Michael: **No, man! I gotta' find my son first!

**Klugh: **We got Walt. He's with the homies.

**Michael: **Oh, man. What do I have to do to get him back now? I already shot dat' bitch with the blankets an' the other one. An' myself!!

**Libby: **I got shot when I was carrying blankets aswell. Wow, must be someone who has a serious vendetta against those who carry blankets!

**Klugh: **Fo' sho!

**Michael: **Wait a sec.. sez here you're planning to BLOW UP the Losties.

**Klugh: **If dat's wut it sez it must be true.

**Michael: **Oh SHIT! When's this all goin' down K?

**Klugh: **In a couple of hours. Me n Benny is gonna come in, while Mistah F creates a diversion. Then, one by one, we gonna pop a cap in each of their sorry little asses. So what do you say, Mike? You gonna come and watch this shit go down?

**Michael: **Well, I would like to kill that motherf--ker Jack, I mean who keeps a rat called PeeWee!

**Klugh: **Dayyyyuuumm. So you game?

**Michael: **F--k yeah!

**Klugh: **Missy L, you know too much so you're gonna have to come with us.

**Libby: **And if I don't?

**Klugh: **I'll see to it that you never smoke another joint again.

**Libby: **OH SNAP!

**Klugh: **Yes, _oh snap. _Now, let's get the f--k outta' here.

**Michael: **Okay then.

**Klugh: **Wait, I just have to write a threatening note..

-She does.-

**Libby: **I get shot and now this. This isn't my month!

**Klugh: **Coast is clear. Come on..

**Libby: **Wait a minute, they'll get suspicious if I don't return for the next round.

**Klugh: **Let them be suspicious!

**Libby: **Wait, did you kill Ana-Lucia?

**Klugh: **Ana who? Oh, no. But I know who did.

**Libby: **WHO WAS IT??

**Klugh: **You better stop askin' me questions, Missy L, or I'll get nasty.

**Michael: **You better stop it, Libby.

**Klugh: **Yeah, now let's roll.

_-Later..-_

**Kate: **-reading note- Dear Losties, we have kidnapped your unofficial leader. She will be coming with us. And we'll be coming for you very, very soon. Beware. - Love, The Others.

**Jack: **Oh no..

**Charlie: **Does this mean we're going to die?

**Sawyer: **Naah Hobbit, just means they're gonna come down and say howdy then leave! What d'you think it means??

**Kate: **Okay, let's just calm down. I'm sure we can do something about this.

**Juliet: **Like what?

**Locke: **I'm going to look for them.

**Jack: **John, it's too dangerous!

**Locke: **No it isn't, I'm a brilliant tracker, remember?

**Kate: **So am I.

**Locke: **No, you suck at it.

**Jack: **He's right, Kate.

**Kate: **Dayum..

**Locke: **I'll return in a while. You can start the next round without me.

**Nikki: **Be careful Locke! I never meant to call you a baldy! I just thought you were bald! Which you are! But you get my point! I love you, Baldy!

**Paulo: **Pfft.

**Jack: **Locke!

-Locke turns around-

**Jack: **I..I love you, too.

**Kate: **WTF?

**Sawyer: **WTF?

**Disappointed Jate fan: **WTF???!!!!

**Locke: **Erm. Okay.. gay. Joke, I'm flattered, Jack.

**Juliet: **O-m-f-g. I would never have guessed.

**Nikki: **Jackie and Lockey sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

**Jack: **My life is over.

_**AN: **__Okay! That was pretty random! But whatever. So Locke and Libby will be gone for a while but they WILL return, I promise you! Anyway, night night x_


	20. Sawyer gets told

**Anne: **Welcome back everyone, to ROUND ELEVEN of The Weakest Link!

**Nikki: **-cough-JacklovesLocke-cough-

**Kate: **-cough-JackandLockehaha!-cough-

**Jack: **-scowls-

**Anne: **What are you girls coughing about? What's going on?

**Nikki: **Ask Jack, he'll tell you all about it.

**Jack: **Can we please talk about this later?

**Kate: **Wait, something else has happened. Libby has been kidnapped by the Others!

**All: **-gasp!-

**Kate: **Yeah, and Locke has gone after them.

**Anne: **Can I assume that Locke and Libby won't be back for this round?

**Kate: **Um, yes.

**Anne: **Right, okay. Well, let's get on with this. As Libby was the strongest link of the last round and she isn't present now, ummm.. Nikki.

**Nikki: **Yay!

**Anna:** Jesus, this chapter is looking to be more serious than the last.

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!!_

**Anne: **Nikki, is Vincent male or female?

**Nikki: **That's _easy. _He's a boy!

**Anne: **Wrong! The dog playing Vincent is a girl.

**Kate: **No no no, there's a new dog playing Vincent now.

**Juliet: **Oooh, that's gotta' hurt.

**Anne: **Yes, well.. shut up! Ben..

**Ben: **Yes?

**Anne: **What is the name of the main hatch where the button was pushed?

**Ben: **The Swan station.

**Anne: **Correct. Juliet,

**Juliet: **Bank.

**Anne: **What was the name of Ana-Lucia's favourite drink?

**Juliet: **VODKA!

**Anne: **Incorrect. It was Tequila and tonic.

**Juliet: **...who doesn't like vodka?..

**Anne: **Desmond..

**Desmond: **Bank, brutha'.

**Anne: **The most hated couple on LOST that were 'tragically' buried alive during Series 3 were..?

**Desmond: **Nikki an' Paulo, brutha'.

**Anne: **Correct. Doing anything tonight, Desmond?

**Desmond: **Oh, aye. I mean, no, sistah'. Brutha'.

**Nikki: **That's funny.. they have OUR names!

**Paulo: **-sigh- Yes, we were the most hated couple on LOST, Nikki.

**Nikki: **I thought our names were Nina and Pablo on that show...

**Anne: **Jack..

**Jack: **Bank.

**Anne: **Boone's mother is called--?

**Jack: **Um. Penny?

**Desmond: **PENNY?? WHERE'S PENNY??

**Ben: **Over there! -points-

**Desmond: **-looks-

**Ben: **Haha! Made you look!

**Juliet: **Oh no.

**Desmond: **Grrrhhh, grrrrhhhh GEEEEIIINGGGGGG!

**Ben: **Oh. Snap.

-Desmond pounces on Ben-

**Juliet: **Why do you do it, Ben? Why?? See, THIS is why we never got together.

**Ben: **-wheezing- I can change, Juliet!

**Juliet: **Urgh, I HATE everyone! I'm always smirking creepily but I really hate you all. I will have my revenge someday.

**Kate: **Dayyum bitch you be trippin'!

**Juliet: **My apologies. Muhaha..

**Anne: **Juliet! We talked about the evil laugh!

**Juliet: **Sorry. What about the smirk?

**Anne: **That's a no go aswell. Sawyer, what was the name of the boat Desmond was on?

**Sawyer: **The uh..

**Anne: **I'll give you a clue. Libby owned it.

**Sawyer: **The uh.. Libby?

**Anne: **Jesus christ you're stupid. The ELIZABETH.

**Sawyer: **Well Velma--

**Anne: **What did we talk about Sawyer.

**Sawyer: **Huh?

**Anne: **WHAT DID WE JUST TALK ABOUT.

**Sawyer: **-sigh- How I'm NOT allowed to call you Velma anymore.

**Anne: **And what did you just do?

**Sawyer: **I.. called you Velma.

**Anne: **Okay, I'll let you off. Again. But next time, I'll be forced to kick your ass. Kate, name of station number five?

**Kate: **The Pearl.

**Anne: **That's correct. Charlie..

**Charlie: **Bank.

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!!_

**Anne: **Time's up, you banked £400 that round. Who's 'tripping' as Kate would say? It's time to vote off, THE WEAKEST LINK!

**Previously On Lost Guy: **_Kate is the strongest link, having answered the most questions correctly. Juliet is the weakest link. But how will the voting go?_

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!!!_

**Kate: **Juli-- Umm.. Sawyer?

**Jack:** Juliet.

**Juliet:** Nikki!

**Paulo: **Nobody votes off my ho! Juliet!

**Nikki**: Yeah, Juliet! Fight the power!

**Sawyer:** Juliet. Damn that smirk.. so unnerving.

**Desmond:** Juliet, brutha'.

**Charlie:** Juliet.

**Jin: **Walt? Sail? Juliet?

**Ben:** OH MAAH' GAWWD! NOT JULIET! KATE, LITTLE BITCH!

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!_

**Juliet: **Oh.. snap..

**Kate: **Ha ha!

**Juliet: **Kate? I thought we were.. I thought we were.. friends?

**Kate: **Damn! I'd never be friends with you!

**Jack: **Now everyone, we're being too hard on Juliet. Even so, gotta' hate that smirk.

**Juliet: **-sniffs-

**Anne: **Juliet, you are the weakest link. Goodbye!

_DDDDDDUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!_

_-Backstage-_

**Juliet: **Argh! I should have KNOWN not to trust that bitch from the start! Seriously though, next break I'm going to be kicking some MAJOR ASS. Nah, maybe not. You saw what she did to me in episode 15! Yikes..

**Still In Game:**

Kate

Jack

Libby **-Currently Absent-**

Paulo

Nikki

Sawyer

Desmond

Charlie

Jin

Locke **-Currently Absent-**

Ben

**Eliminated:**

**Shannon: **Round One

**Danielle: **Round Two

**Sayid: **Round Three

**Ana-Lucia: **Round Four

**Claire: **Round Five

**Boone: **Round Six

**Eko: **Round Seven

**Michael: **Round Eight

**Sun: **Round Nine

**Hurley: **Round Ten

**Juliet: **Round Eleven


	21. Shannon versus Michael

**Klugh: **YO! Ben! MC Friendly!

**Ben: **Sup, Klugh.

**Klugh: **Word life.

**Libby: **Ben? You're supposed to be in the middle of a round now!

**Ben: **Bitch be trippin'. It's the break, yo.

**Libby: **Why are you talking like that.

**Ben: **Because I'm _ghetto. _OMFG, THAT RHYMES!!

**Klugh: **Yeah, whatever. Where's Friendly?

**Ben: **He's out back, smoking a joint, yo.

**Libby: **A JOINT?!?

**Juliet: **Calm yourself down, Libby.

**Libby: **Aww Julie, you got voted off?

**Juliet: **Yes, and it's _Juliet._

**Libby: **Don't beat yourself up about it, Julie, there's always next year.

**Juliet: **I'm not beating myself up about it. And it's JULIET.

**Libby: **What's up with Julie??

**Friendly: **Sup, dawwg!

**Michael: **OMG, it's YOU.

**Friendly: **Yes, got rid of the beard. But.. -starts to cry-

**Klugh: **There, there, Tom. It was a nice beard. It was a lovely beard.

**Friendly: **-Sniff- Will you buy me a new from for christmas?

**Klugh: **I certainly will. I mean.. yeah, sure dawwg, I'll get right onto that pronto'.

**Ben: **So what exactly do you plan to do about this uh.. MICHAEL situation. -wink wink nudge nudge-

**Michael: **Man, I'm right here.

**Ben: **Fo sho!

**Klugh: **It all goes down during the final round. We'll plant a bomb, and blow them -lots of profanity- ALL TO HELL!!

**Friendly: **What? I thought we were shooting them!

**Klugh: **Agh, whatever you want, Tom.

**Friendly: **-to Ben- What does Jacob say?

**Ben: **He says Mikhail is a saint for killing _Bea _off in episode eleven. Hehe.

**Friendly: **Lolz.

**Klugh: **What you pansies yappin' about?

**Ben: **Nothing.

**Klugh: **Well, good. Uh, sorry Missy L, no hard feelings and all that but we're going to have to place you in uh, solitary, for a couple of hours. Same goes for you, Michael.

**Michael: **WHAT? BUT MAAAAAHHHH BOOOOOOYYYYYYY!!!!

**Klugh: **Yes, yes. Your boy. We know. Juliet, could you see to them please?

**-Meanwhile, in a corridor somewhere..-**

-Locke is TRACKING. But he's not doing a very good job.-

**Locke: **Hmm.. boars have been down this way..

**Shannon: **WAAALTTTT! I JUST SAW HIM! WAAALLLTTTT!

**Michael: **WAAAALLTTTT!

**Shannon: **WAAAALLTTTT! Hey, I can WALT way better than you, mister!

**Michael: **Oh rly? Let's go!

**Shannon: **WAAAALLLTTTTT!

**Michael: **WAAAALLLTTTTT!

**Sayid: **Oh jesus christ.

**Locke: **Michael, you've been captured by the Others.. so how did you get here?

**Michael: **Yo bald box maan! How'd you know that?

**Locke: **I listened to your inner eye.

**Sayid: **Madtv is love.

**Shannon: **WAAAALLLTTTT!

**Michael: **Shan, you know I'm THE best WALT-er on the show, yo!

**Shannon: **Oh maan'! Are you listenin' to yourself, Mikey? You got as much chance of being the best WALT-er as I do of coming back on the show!

**Sayid: **Dayyyuuuumm.

**Audience: **FIGHT! FIGHT!

**Michael: **Hey, I ain't gotta' hit a woman.

**Shannon: **WAAAALLLTTTT!

**Michael: **Oh THAT IS _it!_

-He throws himself at Shannon-

**Sayid: **Good, anything to shut her up.. lately it's WALT this and DO YOU SEE HIM that.. she never has any time for me anymore..

**Locke: **Did the Others go this way?

**Sayid: **No, I didn't see them.

-Suddenly Klugh and Friendly show up. They are wearing fake beards and hats and funny glasses.-

**Klugh: **Uhh, my name is.. Klow. I was looking for.. a friend of mine. His name is.. Michael.

**Friendly: **And my name is.. Tim. Tim Frondly. Have any of you nice Losties seen our friend Mike anywhere?

**Sayid: **He's right there.

-Klugh and Friendly get Michael off of Shannon.-

**Michael: **THIS ISN'T OVER! THIS AINT OVER!

**Shannon: **I could pound your ass into the ground if I wanted to! Hmph!

**Klugh: **Thank you. Anyway.. bye..

**Locke: **Goodbye.

-They leave.-

**Locke: **Well, I guess I'll keep looking..

_**AN: **__Short chapter buuuuttt.. next one will be longer. Adios!_


	22. Ana warns Libby

-Libby is sleeping. Suddenly, she wakes up. At first she thinks she is seeing the smoke monster, when suddenly...-

**Ana-Lucia: **Liiiibbbbbyyyyyy...

-Libby says nothing.-

**Ana-Lucia: **Liiiibbbbbyyyyyy...

-Again, Libby says nothing.-

**Ana-Lucia: **DAMNIT LIBBY! ANSWER ME!

**Libby: **Oh! Sorry, Ana. Wait, aren't you like, dead?

**Ana-Lucia: **Well, yeah. But I'm here for a reason, Libby. The ISLAND sent me.

**Libby: **Oh SNAP! The island?

**Ana-Lucia: **Sure thing. I'm here to warn you about the Others, Libby. They're not who they say they are.

**Libby: **OMG!

**Ana-Lucia: **You need to get out of here. Find your way back. The Losties are falling apart without you!

**Libby: **Well, yes, I am the best.

**Ana-Lucia: **Libby, you are NOT the best. You were killed off a long time ago, hell, you didn't even get your own flashback episode!

**Libby: **Hey, I ROCKED that last flashback in "Dave"!

**Ana-Lucia: **Uh, sure. Anyway, I'm just here to warn you.

**Libby: **Oh yeah? Who sent you then?

**Ana-Lucia: **Mikhail and a bunch of other people who have 'passed on'..

**Libby: **Mikhail's dead?

**Ana-Lucia: **Yes.

**Libby: **Damn.. I thought he was supernatural or something.

**Ana-Lucia: **So did we. Hmm. Anyway, enough about him, you have to leave now!

**Libby: **How? I'm locked in here!

**Ana-Lucia: **Okay wait, let me think.. look, there's a VENT. Honestly Libby, you're turning into Nikki. Okay, climb UP through the vent, and get out!

**Libby: **Okay! Thanks, Ana! I'll always love you!

**Ana-Lucia: **You'd better.

-Vanishes in a puff of smoke-

-Suddenly, Michael wakes up.-

**Michael: **Wut? Wut's goin' on, man?

**Libby: **Ana was here! She totally told me how we can get out of here!

**Michael: **Huh? Ana-Lucia?

**Libby: **Yeah, you should have--

**Michael: **Don't tell me what I shoulda' seen, man! Back home, I'd bust a cap in your ass!

**Libby: **Ah, the LOST blooper reels truly were a godsend.

**-Meanwhile, DESMOND has a vision.-**

**Desmond: **Charleh..

**Charlie: **What?

**Desmond: **Yer' gunna' die again, brutha'.

**Charlie: **Oh, christ.

**Desmond: **Aye, but now I must be off, I've got ta' save LOCKE, he's bein' mauled by VINCENT, brutha'.

-Has another vision-

**Desmond: **An' Libby an' Michael are escapin', av' got ta' see to them too, brutha'.

**Kate: **DESMOND! Hurry up, and don't forget my cigarettes!

_**AN: **__It sucked, it sucked, it SUCKED. But now you know that Libby and Locke will be BACK for the next round! Yayyyy! -Rejoices- Anyway.. I'm tired.. this was lame.. full length chapter to be added tommorow or the day after. Hopefully tommorow. _


	23. Paulo has a request

**Anne: **ROUND TWELVE ALREADY?!? Well, here it is! And we're happy to have Locke and Libby back with us.

**All: **Woot woot!

**Libby: **As your unofficial leader, I COMMAND you to--

**Kate: **Sorry Libby, Jack's our leader again.

**Libby: **WHAT?! But you ELECTED me!

**Kate: **Yeah, but you're all like, dead and stuff. We need a leader who's ALIVE. You understand, right?

**Libby: **You know what? That is SO dead-ist! ... Wow. Lame.

**Charlie: **Just what I was thinking.

**Jack: **Me, too.

**Sawyer: **Okay, Moonbeam is LAME, we've established that!

**Libby: **Keep talkin'.

**Kate: **What are we going to do when this fic ends?

**Anne: **Shit, I never thought of that. I guess.. go back to our _lives._

**Jack: **Damn. That's harsh.

**Kate: **Totally.

**Libby: **Dude, and yes when you spend enough time with Hurley you tend to pick that up, I can't WAIT until this is over. Because Nikki and I are going for 'a drive' ROFLS!!

**Nikki: **LOL! The hippy van! But.. will Hurley still let us use it? I mean, he was so annoyed at you before.

**Libby: **Eh, he'll get over it.

**Paulo: **Can I ask why I haven't been voted off yet? Doesn't everyone hate me?

**Charlie: **Fair point, mate. I guess nobody has voted off Nikki yet because she's entertaining.

**Kate: **But.. Paulo isn't entertaining.

**Paulo: **_Exactly!_

**Libby: **Wouldn't it be hilarious if Paulo won?

**Ben: **He's not going to win. I'm going to win.

**Nikki: **Per-leez Ben! You can't even tie your own shoe laces without Juliet's help and you're expecting to _win _this??

**Ben: **FYI, I managed to do it yesterday. WITHOUT HER HELP!

**Jack: **Well, I think that deserves a round of applause.

**Kate: **Hear hear!

-They applaude Ben for finally doing up his own shoe laces.-

**Anne: **Well, that was extraordinary. Ben doing up his own shoes?? Paulo implying that he wants to be voted off?? Libby being harsh to Hugo??

**Paulo: **VOTE ME OFF!

**Anne: **Now it's time to begin! We'll start with Kate, who was the strongest link in the last round.

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!_

**Anne: **Kate, name Shannon's sly step-mother.

**Kate: **Sabrina Carlisle.

**Anne: **That's right! How do you know that?

**Kate: **I bought the Season 2 DVD last week, just to catch up on old times..

**Anne: **Sawyer..

**Sawyer: **Bank.

**Anne: **What am I spelling? D-H-A-R-M-A!

**Sawyer: **Elephantitis.

**Anne: **You.. you.. I can't help but love you, even if you're mind-numbingly stupid. Next question! Charlie!

**Kate: **She never gives us that kind of attention.

**Anne: **Name of the evil Other that almost out-witted our much loved Taelies?

**Libby: **Aww, we're loved! Oh, wait.. I'm the only one left.. -sobsob-

**Kate: **There there, time heals all wounds.

**Libby: **That's what Desmond said before I gave him my boat! Hmph! And LOOK What happened! So, I crash on an island after what-- three divorces? I have to sit around with some ugly people I don't even know, and actually ACT like I'm a nice, caring person. So then what happens? I have to FALL for this fat guy, damn those writers. And between you and me I'm actually relieved I died before we.. you know.. I was dreading it, I tell you! -Shudder- Oh, yeah. Don't forget the big finale where I get wasted by Michael. Yeah, time SURE DOES heal all wounds.

**Kate: **...You are incredibly bitter.

**Desmond: **If it makes ya' feel betta' sistah', it shurr wussa' loveleh boat.

**Charlie: **...umm, wasn't it Goodwin?

**Anne: **That's correct. Don't worry Charlie, I'm as scared as you are. Mister Locke!

**Locke: **Bank.

**Anne: **True or false, Kate's mother was in a Sawyer flashback.

**Locke: **False?

**Anne: **Incorrect! Paulo, who's life did Desmond have to keep saving last season?

**Paulo: **Umm.. ummm.. I didn't watch much of season three after I was BURIED ALIVE. Jesus. Ummm..

**Nikki: **Just answer the damn question, Hick.

**Paulo: **Hick?? I'm from Brazil!

**Nikki: **Seriously??

**Kate: **I wonder how many people will beable to count up how many 'dumb blonde' moments Nikki had. Hehe -wink wink nudge nudge-

**Jack: **Lolz! A few people I reckon.

**Anne: **Answer the question, Paulo, or there'll be hell to pay.

**Paulo: **Oh goddamn, umm umm.. it's umm.. DESMOND!

**Kate: **...

**Sawyer: **...

**Kelvin from the hatch: **...

**Kate: **Why I ever got turned on by the fact that he was carrying a golf club and chose to do him in the jungle, I'll never know.

**Jack: **-Speechless-

**Sawyer: **Is Kate the biggest whore on the island?

**Libby: **Hey! That should be the next fanfic! Who is the biggest whore on the island.

**Jack: **I would so totally win.

**Sawyer: **True, true..

**Charlie: **He's had Kate, Juliet and we're all pretty certain he got himself a bit of Ana-Lucia at some point, so who hasn't Jack had??

**Jack: **-Checks list- Well, looks like you're next, Charlie.

**Charlie: **-gawks-

**Anne: **While we're debating whether Kate, Jack or whoever is a whore let's go to the next question. Libby, my wonderful stoner woman.

**Libby: **Aww, you're way too nice to me.

**Anne: **Libby, how many seasons of Lost will there be before it ends?

**Libby: **-sniff- Six.. but we REFUSE to believe that they will stop it, don't we, guys? we REFUSE!

**All: **Yeah! Fight the power!

**Charlie: **But.. you're dead. What do you care if the show ends or not?

**Libby: **Um, HELLO! I'll be back next season! In flashbacks, that is. So can't wait to start filming! But JJ Abrams better cut me some slack this time, he was always yelling at me before.. I still have no idea why!

**Jack: **It was because you always smoked pot. On set.

**Libby: **A mistake anyone could have made.

**Anne: **Well, that was correct. Jin!

**Jin: **Umm, Anne?

**Anne: **He knows me name! Ahem. Anyway, Jin, Libby gave Desmond a...?

**Jin: **BOAT! SAIL!

**Anne: **That's correct, Jin. Nikki..

**Nikki: **BANK! I TOTALLY BANK!

**Anne: **Danielle claimed her team were--?

**Nikki: **Eaten by a giant snake rabbit.

**Jack: **...

**Kate: **..Snake? Rabbit?

**Nikki: **Yes, a snake rabbit. They live in the Antarctic, atleast, that's what Paulo told me last halloween..

**Paulo: **I was JOKING, you DUMB little.. oh, it's not worth it anymore. Nothing is worth this!!

**Nikki: **Cheer up, Paulo. I know you wanted that snake rabbit for a pet, but--

**Paulo: **BBBAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!!

**Sawyer: **Take it easy, Pablo. Nina over there was just.. well.. was she joking or not?

**Kate: **I doubt it.

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!_

**Anne: **So uh, after a very eventful round, you banked £300 that round. Who's ready to uh.. go into the snake pit with a.. -smirking- SNAKE RABBIT. It's time to vote off, the weakest link!

**Previously On Lost Guy: **_Libby is the strongest link, having answered the most questions correctly. Paulo is the weakest link. But how will the voting go?_

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!!!_

**Kate: **LIBBY, you stupid stoner!

**Jack:** Paulo, lolz.

**Libby:** El Paulo!

**Paulo: **Uuuuummm.. -whispering- VOTE ME OFF! Umm, Nikki. Dumb whore.

**Nikki**: Paulo! Hmph!

**Sawyer:** Pablo.

**Desmond:** Nikki, sistah.

**Charlie:** Nikki, sorry.

**Jin: **NIKKI!

**Locke:** Paulo.

**Ben:** Nikki!

_DDDDDUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!_

**Anne: **Ooooh, another tie break. So, it's our two most hated yet loveable ONLY IN THIS FIC Losties. But first of all, Sawyer... why Paulo?

**Sawyer: **Who the hell's Paulo?

**Anne: **He's standing right next to you.

**Sawyer: **What? That's my good friend, Pablo!

**Anne: **Ack, nevermind. Jack, why Paulo?

**Jack: **I'm the hot Doctor, and this guy is stealing my thunder! Not to mention he.. he.. HE NEVER ASKED TO USE MY GOLF CLUBS!!

**Kate: **There, there, Jack. You'll always have me. Jate is fate, remember?

**Jack: **Oh, forget you. You know I'm all for Jocke.

**Nikki: **Wtf is that?

**Jack: **DUH! Jack and Locke! Equals... JOCKE!

**Anne: **Disgusting. Well Libby, it's up to you to decide who is going this round.

**Libby: **Well Nikki's ma' homegurrl so obviously I'm not gonna let her go! Paulo, the self-centered little Brazillian!

**Paulo: **Thank you so much.

**Anne: **Paulo, you are the weakest link, GOODBYE!

_DDDDUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!_

_-Backstage-_

**Paulo: **Hey, if she wants to see other people, that's fine wit' me. I'm done with this relationship. She scares me!!

_**AN: **__I'm trying so hard to revert back to the wit of the first few chapters, as I feel my recent efforts haven't exactly been as good. Well, I hope this was enough, good to see Paulo finally getting the boot I say. Anyway, more fun chapters to come later, and I thought i'd let you know there will NOT be another break for another couple of chapters. Woot!_


	24. Kate doesn't kick the habit

**Anne: **Hello, and welcome back to---

**Libby: **Laaaa deeeee daaaaaaaaaa!

**Anne: **-Ahem.- Welcome back to the---

**Libby: **LAAAA DEEEEE DAAAAAA!

**Anne: **Welcomebacktotheweakest---

**Libby: **IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! but i feel FINEEEEEEEEE!

**Anne: **For chrissake.

**Charlie: **LIBBY! SHUT UP!

**Libby: **Wait, we're not having a break this time?

**All: **NO!

**Libby: **Aww.. I had it all worked out aswell.

**Nikki: **Libby, do you act this dumb for attention?

**Libby: **Bitch don't be hatin' on me! Anyway, atleast I'm not like you, you have an IQ of about fifteen for christ's sake!

**Nikki: **YES, but atleast I'm not TRYING to be stupid. I am stupid! And that's something I have to live with.

**Sawyer: **Nina has a point.

**Nikki: **Nikki, it's NIKKI!

**Sawyer: **Nice try, but I ain't fallin for that one again.

**Jack: **Oh for crying out loud Sawyer, would you just shut up for one goddamn second? You big dumb hick like cowboy southener drunk alcoholic wise guy annoying piece of.. -catches breath- bad boy wannabe man whore FISH FACE!

**Kate: **There's only one word to describe this. And that word is L--O--L.

**Locke: **Your inner eye isn't appealing to me right now, Kate.

**Kate: **Locke, have you been reading my thoughts again?

**Locke: **Yes.. yes.. I have. Wait.. -eyes go blank- Nobody will ever found out I ate that cheeseburger Jack was saving for Juliet.. or that I killed Ana-Lucia..

**Libby: **That was YOU?!?

**Kate: **What can I say? She got annoying. And anyone who messes with THE KATEMIESTER gets wasted.

**Jack: **LOL, 'the Katemiester'..

**Sawyer: **Hehe.

**Kate: **What's so funny?

**Sawyer: **Okay Kate, we'll be honest with ya'. You ain't fit to wipe anyone's boots. You're a scrawny little thing, you couldn't have killed that bitch. She'd have wiped the floor with your ass. You musta' got someone else to do the job FOR ya'.

**Kate: **How do you figure?

**Jack: **He just told you, Kate.

**Kate: **Ahh.. well, I guess you're right. It happened like this...

_WWWWHHHHHHHIIRRRRRRRRRRRRR!_

**Kate: **Hey! Guy who delivered Desmond's package!

**Guy: **What?

**Kate: **Would you kill this REALLY annoying bitch for me? I'll give you five bucks.

**Guy: **That's a deal!

_WWWWHHHHHHHIIRRRRRRRRRRRRR!_

**Libby: **SO IT WAS YOU??? ALL ALONG??? YOU KILLED MY DARLING ANA???

**Kate: **Basically, yeah.

**Anne: **As much as I am really enjoying this wonderful insight into everyone's personal lives, can we just friggin' do this? I've got dinner with Al Pacino in TEN MINUTES!

**Al Pacino: **I made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

**Charlie: **Come on guys, kiss and make up! I mean, we could go on all day about how Kate had a grudge against Ana and had her killed.. and how Libby didn't like it. But at the end of the day, can you really turn back time? NO! So just get over it, and move on. Afterall, tommorow is another day!

**Nikki: **He has a point.

**Libby: **I guess. And it's not like Ana can NEVER come back. I mean, she was already dead for chrissake!

**Kate: **If she does, I'm taking her out again.

**Ben: **Waffles, anyone?

**Anne: **OKAAAAY! That's ENOUGH! We're getting on with this. NOW! We'll start with Libby who was the strongest link in the last round. It's time for ROUND THIRTEEN of THE WEAKEST LINK!

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!_

**Anne: **Libby, what is the name of Juliet's sister?

**Libby: **Romeo! That's wrong, isn't it?

**Anne: **Indeed. Charlie, name the song played at the very end of S.O.S

**Charlie: **I think it was, These Arms of Mine.

**Anne: **Correct. Nikki, who wrote _Gone with the Wind?_

**Nikki: **Margaret Mitchell, silly!

**Anne: **-Almost faints-

**Charlie: **LOL! Pwned, Anne.

**Anne: **Mister John Locke..

**Locke: **Bank!

**Anne: **First name of Other Ms Klugh?

**Locke: **Umm.. Pass.

**Anne: **Bea.

**Nikki: **Be what?

**Anne: **Excuse me?

**Nikki: **You just said 'be' so be what??

**Anne: **Jesus christ. Sawyer..

**Nikki: **Be Jesus Christ? Hmm, now that's a thinker.. wait, Sawyer does look like Jesus Christ! Ha!

**Anne: **Hmm.. Sawyer, how did Juliet's ex-husband meet his maker?

**Sawyer: **He got hit by a bus!

**Anne: **Correct. Katie, this is a quote from a certain character. "CHAWWWLLYYY!! THEY TOOK MA' BAYYBBEEEHHH!!!" Who says this?

**Kate: **Easy one, Claire.

**Nikki: **She was SO annoying.

**Charlie: **Yeah, too right!

**Kate: **Charlie, you're supposed to be in love with her.

**Charlie: **Seriously?

**Anne: **Desmond, what was the name of Libby's boat?

**Desmond: **Ehh, don't noe' sistah, a think ah' wos high when sha' told me, aye.

**Libby: **So you didn't hear any of the stuff about my husband dying??? Or that he named the boat AFTER me??? You TOOK ADVANTAGE?

**Desmond: **Aye, maybe ah did, maybe ah didn't. But ah did, aye.

**Anne: **The correct answer was Elizabeth. Ben, true or false, Locke wasn't always bald?

**Ben: **Umm, true?

**Anne: **Correct. Jin..

**Nikki: **So it's true?? Oh mah gawwd, we're through Locke! I thought you'd always been the bald hunk you are now, guess I was wrong..

**Locke: **Someone get this strange woman away from me, Please?

**Anne: **Jin, what was the name of Ben's childhood sweetheart?

**Ben: **Oh pfft, I hated those dolls. There was NOTHING between us!

**Jin: **I'm gonna start speaking English now..

**Nikki: **OMG!

**Jack: **LOL!

**Jin: **What? You don't seriously believe that I can't speak English? Bwahaha. The answer is, 'Annie'.

**Anne: **That's.. correct.

**Kate: **Well.. there you go.

**Jack: **Touche Jin, touche.

**Anne: **Kate..

**Kate: **Bank.

**Anne: **Alex's boyfriend is named..?

**Kate: **Karl!

**Anne: **Correct. Jack--

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!_

**Anne: **Times up and you banked £400. Who's time is finally up? It's time to vote off, THE WEAKEST LINK!

**Previously On Lost Guy: **_Jin is the strongest link, having answered the most questions correctly. Locke is the weakest link. But how will the voting go?_

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!_

**Kate: **John.

**Jack:** John.

**Libby:** Kate

**Nikki**: Kate!

**Sawyer:** Freck-- I mean Locke!

**Desmond:** Locke, brutha'. Sorreh, brutha.

**Charlie:** Locke. Baldy bastard..

**Jin: **That wasn't nice, Charlie! I vote John Locke!

**Locke:** I'm going to cry now. Charlie!

**Ben:** Locke.

_DDDDUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!_

**Anne: **So Jack, why Locke?

**Jack: **Because he keeps saying we all need to have faith and shit.. it's gotten really annoying over the last two seasons, Anne.

**Kate: **This is coming from someone who is constantly saying, 'Live together, Die alone'.

**Sawyer: **You little hypocrite! You say it all the damn time.

**Kate: **The point is I wouldn't be saying it all the time if Dumbass Jack here hadn't brought it up in the FIRST place!

**Anne: **People, people! The real point is, is that John Locke has been voted off!

**Locke: **-whimper-

**Anne: **John, you are unfortunately the weakest link. GOODBYE!

_DDDDUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!_

**Nikki: **JOHN! JOOOOHHHNNNN! I LOVE YOU!!

**Jack: **I LOVE YOU TOO, JOHNNY BOY!

-Everyone looks at him.-

**Jack: **What?? JOCKE FOREVER!!!

_-Backstage-_

**Locke: **I'd love it if someone could kick that dumbass Doctor in the ass, he's a pain in MY ass! I don't love him, nor will I EVER love him! The sooner he realises that the better! Crying, whiney little bitch. He needs to be taught some respect! And that's all I have to say about that.

**Still In Game:**

Kate

Jack

Libby

Nikki

Sawyer

Desmond

Charlie

Jin

Ben

**Eliminated:**

**Shannon: **Round One

**Danielle: **Round Two

**Sayid: **Round Three

**Ana-Lucia: **Round Four

**Claire: **Round Five

**Boone: **Round Six

**Eko: **Round Seven

**Michael: **Round Eight

**Sun: **Round Nine

**Hurley: **Round Ten

**Juliet: **Round Eleven

**Paulo: **Round Twelve

**Locke: **Round Thirteen

_END OF ROUND THIRTEEN_


	25. Jack logs onto his myspace

-Jack sits down at the desk, and looks at the computer. Then he proceeds to log onto his myspace. He notices that his status is still set to 'In A Relationship' so he changes that to 'Swinger' (hehe) then contemplates his top ten. It is as follows..-

**1. Juliet **

**2. Kate **

**3. Ana-Lucia **

**4. Christian Shepherd **

**5. Sarah**

**6. Mark**

**7. Bai Ling**

**8. Claire**

**9. Sawyer**

**10. Sayid**

-Jack proceeds to remove Juliet and Kate from his top ten. He puts Ana as number two. He then places John Locke (who has already removed Jack from his top 10) as his first friend. Christian moves up to spot number three. He also adds Charlie to his top ten. So afterwards it looks like this..-

**1. Locke**

**2. Ana-Lucia**

**3. Christian Shepherd**

**4. Sarah**

**5. Mark**

**6. Bai Ling**

**7. Claire**

**8. Sawyer**

**9. Sayid**

**10. Charlie**

-Jack then looks at his 'All About Me'. He reads it..-

_**' I love Juliet so much. She's everything to me, I love her even more than I love PeeWee! We'll be together 4Ever! Me Luvin Jules 4Lyfe! Yeah Bby!!! '**_

-He changes it to this..-

**' Me n Locke is gunna b the best cupl EVA!!!!! We will rok all da cuplz SHAYID nd SANA nd SKATE WATCH OUT!!!!!!!!! '**

-Jack then checks his messages. There are four new ones, two are from Juliet, one is from Kate and one is from.. Ana-Lucia?? He reads Ana-Lucia's first.-

_Message from: __**AnaisbeyonddaGRAVE**_

_"Hey Jack. Just thought I'd MSG u coz you're probably wondering how Im doing. Things r ded gud ere. I'm chillin wiv all da ppl and we're smoking pot all day and getting high. So anyway life is great. Anyway, how are things? Did sum1 win that freakin gameshow yet? Anyway ttyl xxxx Ana" _

-Smiling to himself Jack checks his other messages from Juliet.-

_Message from: __**DoctorJules**_

_"Baby u know I luff yoo! We were gonna b married remember Spain?! We had a nyc time therr!! I luff u remember dat! Msg bak ly xxxxx Joolzii" _

_Message from: __**DoctorJules**_

_"Yoo neffa msg me bak omgz!!! Cmon Jack i luff yoo!!!! U naw u luff me more then Locke!!! or K8t!!! Jeebus plz luff me bak Jacky!!! ly xxxxx Joolzii" _

-He then looks at Kate's message next.-

_Message from: __**FrecklesontherunFROMTHELAWOMGZ**_

_"She's msging me too. You're not alone."_

-Jack then logs onto his msn account, and Juliet starts talking to him.-

_**JOOLZ says:**_

_HIYAAAAAAAA!!! XXXX_

_**-Jack-Is-Alone- says:**_

_I DNT WANNA TLK 2 U_

_**JOOLZ says:**_

_OMFG! R U STILL ON ABOUT DIS JOCKE STUFF???_

_**-Jack-Is-Alone- says:**_

_SO WAT IF I AM? JOCKE IZ DA BEST SHIP EVA!!!!_

_**JOOLZ says:**_

_PLZZZZ JOCKE DATZ LYKE SAYIN HURLEY SHUD GO OUT WIV SUN!!!_

_**-Jack-Is-Alone- says:**_

_WELL MAYBE HE SHUD! THEY MAKE A NYC CUPL!!!_

_**JOOLZ says:**_

_OMG DNT U REMEMBA WAT WE HAD JACKY??? I LUFF U R U GUNNA FRO DAT AWAY????_

_**-Jack-Is-Alone- says:**_

_**-Jack-Is-Alone- says:**_

_YES!_

_**JOOLZI is now offline**_

-Satisfied with this, Jack then starts replying to his Myspace messages-

_Message to: __**AnaisbeyonddaGRAVE**_

_"Hey Ana! Its gud 2 no that ur OK! Hope u visit us agen sum time! Nuff luff chica cya! xox_

_Message sent_

_Message to: __**DoctorJules**_

_"LEAVE ME ALONE I DONT LYK U U R A OTHER STALKER!!!!! I WILL REPORT U 4 HARRASSMENT!!! GUDBYE!!!"_

_Message sent_

_Message to: __**FrecklesontherunFROMTHELAWOMGZ**_

_"Lolz well i deleted her c yoo next round x"_

_Message sent_

-He also sends one to Locke regarding the whole 'Jocke' situation...-

_Message to: __**UGottaHaveFaith**_

_"JOCKE 4 LYFEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! BABY I LUFF U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" _

_Message sent_

-Jack knows he's not a funny man, but he doesn't care. With that he starts sending a message to his father, Christian, who's myspace name is _**WithoutmyCoffin**_-

_**AN: **__Yeah, not that good, but I was bored! I'm still thinking of new ideas so don't give up on me! Just for laughs, here are somemore myspace names from some of the other people of Lost..._

**Ethan: **_Babyborrower283_

**Artz: **_WatchmeExplode_

**Mikhail: **_GonnaLive4Ever_

**Tom Friendly: **_TheBeardedSuperstar_

**Bernard: **_Rose4ever_

**Rose: **_Bernard4ever_

**Colleen: **_Gotshotdown_

**Danny: **_SkateisHateJateisFate_

**Cassidy: **_OhdarlingClementine_

**Nadia: **_ThenameisNOTNoor_

**Bonnie and Gretta (Joint account): **_MikhailKilledMe_

**Penny: **_Dezzyismine420_

**Sarah: **_PregnantIsItJacks_

**Tom: **_IH8Katie_

**Kelvin: **_Hatchman20_

**Yemi: **_IPwnCozPplCMeInVisionsIsThisName2Long_

**Any of Nikki's relatives: **_myspaceurl_


	26. Nikki is so fine, apparently

_**AN: **__Ariiiight, I'm back! Before I start I want to thank the people who gave me good ideas for this chapter! I've been in 'writers block' for like two weeks not knowing what to do. __**LordXwee**__ you've given me a very good idea! I never thought of adding Mikhail, he will be appearing very soon! __**Den Lee **__you gave me a good idea aswell, and __**lostrocks**__ I will definitely add in a VERY disturbing Jack/Peewee flashback haha! Thanks guys!_

_BTW, SPOILERS FOR THE TV SHOW __**HEROES **__AHEAD!!!_

**Anne: **We're back! It's ROUND FOURTEEN now! Woop woop woop!

**Jack: **Anne, you're so out of character now.

**Anne: **I KNOW! IT'S GREAT ISN'T IT????

**Charlie: **Kate is the worst character on Lost.

**Jack: **Agreed.

-Sorry! I hate her!-

**Kate: **Well, I'm not exactly smitten with you either!

**Libby: **Yeah!

**Kate: **You're whiney.

**Libby: **YEAH!

**Kate: **You're annoying!

**Libby: **YEAAHHH!!

**Kate: **And you have.. big.. feet.

**Libby: **YYYEEEAHHHHH!!!!

**Jack: **Libby, wtf are you doing?

**Kate: **Libby, I was having my moment there, you ruined everything.

**Libby: **Is it my fault I'm stoned??

**All: **YES!!!

**Libby: **Oh.

**Anne: **Moving steadily along, we are back! There are many INSUFFERABLE, ANNOYING.. ahem, I mean, absolutely fantastic Losties left to vote off. But who will be voted off next? It's time to vote off the Weakest Link!

_DDDDUUUUUUUNNNNNN!_

**Kate: **Uh, Anne? We haven't even started yet.

**Anne: **Oh!.. Erm. I'm sorry. I think Al Pacino slipped something into my drink. Anyway! As I was saying.. it's time for ROUND FOURTEEN of the WEAKEST LINK!

_DDDDUUUUNN----_

_RING, RING !!!!_

**Jack: **Sorry, just let me get this..

-Picks up his cell phone-

**Jack: **Hello? Oh, Sarah.. listen honey, I'm sort of in the middle of something right now, could you..? He did? Oh, for crying out loud! I _told _him not to do that! Would you..? Thanks, Sarah! I'll see you tonight.

_BEEP !_

**Jack: **-Looks at them all- What??

**Anne: **Finished??

**Jack: **Yeah..

**Charlie: **What was all that about, Jack?

**Jack: **Oh nothing, just PeeWee got into the cookie jar again. Sarah's on it though.

**Kate: **Isn't PeeWee dead??

**Jack: **Yeah but.. Sarah got me a new one.. at.. the store..

**Nikki: **Curses Jack!! Will you ever learn??

**Anne: **SHUT UP!

**Kate: **Sorry Anne.

**Nikki: **Yes, very sorry.

-Suddenly, the double doors I just made up FLY OPEN, and in walks.. O-M-G!! IT'S PETER PETERLLI!!-

-Note, if you have not seen Heroes.. you've been living under a rock-

**Anne: **Oh, what now..?

**Peter: **Jack Shephard?

**Jack: **Yes, that's me.

**Peter: **My name is Peter Pertrelli, and I have a message for you.

-Silence-

**Peter: **Sarah needs you to go to the dry cleaners after the show.

**Jack: **Oh, crap.. I hoped she'd forget..

-Suddenly a blonde girl wearing a cheerleader outfit runs in-

**Girl: **Peter! We need to get going!

**Peter: **In a minute, Claire. I'm just delivering a message.

**Claire: **Can't it wait??

**Peter: **No, it can't! -Looks at Jack- Nieces, huh?

**Jack: **I've got a nephew, I know exactly how you feel.

**Kate: **-Points to Claire- Didn't she threaten to kill a journalist at the Emmy's this year???

**Jack: **I don't watch the Emmy's.

**Libby: **I do! She did! It was very amusing.

**Claire: **But--but-- I DIDN'T!

**Nikki: **Yes, you did! I was there, I was invited!

**Charlie: **You weren't invited, liar!

**Nikki: **No, but Ben and Locke helped me sneak in.

**Ben: **You know it, dawg.

**Locke: **And I won the Emmy.

**Anne: **YOU WERE VOTED OFF! GET OUT! GO ON, GET!!!

**Peter: **Anyway, I guess..

**Hiro: **YEESSSSSAAAAHHHHHH!!!

**Everyone: **WTF?

**Peter: **Oh, ignore him. He does that, A LOT.

**Hiro: **Oops, wrong set.

-And the cast of Heroes dash off to save the world-

**Ben: **Dayuuuum that was rough!

**Anne: **Can we PLEASE get on with this now?

**Jack: **Did anyone notice, that the Japanese guy was holding an icecream?

**Kate: **...

**Libby: **...

**Jack: **I'm having.. a flashback..

_WWWHHHHIIRRRRRRRRRRR!_

**Jack: **Come on, Kate.

**Kate: **What??

**Jack: **We have to go back.

**Kate: **Jack, for the last time, I am NOT buying you ANOTHER icecream!

**Jack: **PEEWEE WOULD HAVE!!

**Kate: **...don't you DARE mention that SONOFABITCH to me!

**Jack: **WE HAVE TO GO BACK, KATE!!!

_WWWHHHHIIRRRRRRRRRRR!_

**Anne: **Wow, interesting flashback, Jack. I had no idea that you were clearly INSANE.

**Jack: **It comes and goes.

**Anne: **Now for the last FREAKING time, let's get on with this.

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!_

**Anne: **Jin, what is two plus two?

**Jin: **Um, those pants.. don't.. make you look.. fat?

**Anne: **Well, aren't you sweet? That's correct.

**Sawyer:** Hey, wait a minute! That wasn't the answer!

**Kate: **Yeah!

**Libby: **Yeahhhhh!

**Kate: **Libby, we talked about this.

**Libby: **Sorry, I'll just sit here with my bong and not talk anymore.

**Anne: **Charlie, Danny Pickett, god rest his soul, had a wife, also god rest her soul. What was her name?

**Charlie: **Colleen?

**Anne: **Correct. Nikki..

**Nikki: **BAAAAAANNNKKKK!

**Anne: **Nikki, who grabbed Sun in the jungle?

**Nikki: **ME! It was ME! You never saw it coming, you BITCH! Mwahahahaha!

**Anne: **She isn't here, Nikki. And you didn't grab Sun. Hell, you didn't even EXIST back then!

**Nikki: **I didn't? That blows. I should have been the one to grab her. I was the most cunning LOST character of them all! HAHAHAHA!

**Anne: **Kate, who claimed they were a member of the Dharma Initiative?

**Kate: **Mikhail!

**Anne: **Correct. Libby...

**Libby: **BANK!

**Anne: **Who said this: "They'll never give you Walt"

**Libby: **Oh, oh! That was.. umm.. Ben!

**Ben: **Chyeah, I rocked that one.

**Anne: **That's correct. Jack, what was Libby's last word?

**Jack: **Michael, of course!

**Libby: **That sonofabitch..

**Sawyer: **Hey, that's my line!

**Anne: **Correct. Sawyer..

**Sawyer: **-Sigh- Bank.

**Anne: **What movie does this quote come from? -Ahem- I AM MCLOVIN!!!

**Sawyer: **Uhhh.. Star Trek?!

**Charlie: **Superbad, it's SUPERBAD you brainless--

**Anne: **Charlie is right, the answer was Superbad. And I really thought you knew your stuff, Sawyer..

**Sawyer: **Is it my fault that I've been stuck on a damn island for months??

**Kate: **Please, we all know YOU plashed the crane!

**Sawyer: **Plashed the what now?

**Kate: **Huh? Oh, god. Libby.. did you give me sleeping pills?

**Libby: **Me? No! I wouldn't! It wasn't me!!

**Anne: **Ben--

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!_

**Anne: **Times up and you banked £500. Who's game is up? It's time to vote off, THE WEAKEST LINK!!

**Previously On Lost Guy: **_Jack is the strongest link, having answered the most questions correctly. Nikki is the weakest link. But how will the voting go?_

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!_

**Kate: **Nikki

**Jack:** Nikki.

**Libby:** NOT NIKKI! JACK!

**Nikki**: Waaaaa! Kate!

**Sawyer:** Kate!

**Desmond:** Nikki, brutha'.

**Charlie:** Nikki.. sorry.. you said I had greasy hair..

**Jin: **Those pants.. don't.. make.. you look fat?

**Locke:** Jin means Nikki, too. Nikki for me aswell!

**Ben:** NIKKI!

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!_

**Anne: **So Kate, why Nikki?

**Kate: **She's annoying.

**Anne: **And you don't think you're annoying?

**Kate: **Me? Annoying? Pleh, you're out of your mind.

**Charlie: **She's right, Kate.

**Libby: **Yeah, live with it.

**Kate: **-whimper-

**Anne: **Anywayy, moving quickly along before Kate pulls a JACK on us..

**Jack: **Hey! I don't cry ALL the time!

**Anne: **Sawyer? Why Kate? I thought you loved her?

**Sawyer: **Please Anne that was like fifteen rounds ago.

**Anne: **If you say so.. Nikki, light of my life, I'm afraid it's time for you to go.

**Nikki: **Aww crap.

**Libby: **-Ahem- OH NIKKI YOU'RE SO FINE

**Charlie: **YOU'RE SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND

**Jack: **HEY NIKKI!

**Sawyer: **HEY, HEY HEY NINA!

**Kate: **Bollocks.

**Libby: **OH NIKKI WHAT A PITY YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!

**Boone (who just walked in): **YOU TAKE ME BY THE HEART AND YOU TAKE ME BY THE HAND!

**Ben: **OH NIKKI YOU'RE SO PRETTY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND,

**Jack: **IT'S GIRLS LIKE _YOU _NIKKI!!!

**Paulo (who also just walked in): **OH WHAT YOU DO NIKKI DO NIKKI, DON'T BREAK MY HEART NIKKI!!

**All: **HEY NIKKI!

**Nikki: **Awww, thanks guys! That was strange but wonderful! I love you all!

**Jack: **And we love you too, Nikki.

**Kate: **Uh, HELLO?? I'M THE ONLY FEMALE CHARACTER LEFT IN THIS GAME THAT IS ACTUALLY ALIVE!!!!! GIVE ME SOME ATTENTION!!!!

**Charlie: **Oh, bollocks to you, Kate!

**Kate: **-whimpers and runs off-

**Anne: **You are the Weakest Link, Nikki, goodbye! We love you!

-Everyone blows Nikki kisses as she passes-

**Nikki: **GOODBYE EVERYONE! I LOVE YOU TOO!

_-Backstage-_

**Nikki: **I am sooooo loved right now!

_END OF ROUND FOURTEEN_

_**AN: **__Awww, I was sad to get rid of Nikki, I actually love her now cuz I think I wrote her so well in this story. I still hate her on the show, but whatever! Anyway, I hope this was enough, I decided to make it an extra long chapter cuz you guys have been waiting so long! Hope it was enough! Sorry to anyone who liked Nikki, I just felt she needed to go. Anyway, may be another long wait, hopefully not! _

_Also, thanks to those who gave me some ideas! I can't be assed listing you, but everyone who gave me an idea I'm thankful to you! Bye bye!_


	27. Locke and Claire meet the Heroes

_**AN: **__OK, I'm back! You should know this.._

_**WARNING: HEROES SERIES 1 SPOILERS UP AHEAD, NOT TO MENTION MAJOR SIMONE DEVEAUX BASHING**_

_Yes, Heroes is a TV SHOW. If you haven't seen HEROES yet you might want to avoid reading this chapter, but then again you might not. I'd read it if I were you, I don't want to like not get reviews from the Heroes newbies do I? Just read the damn thing! _

_Unless you actually watch this but haven't finished Series 1.._

_Oh, whatever._

---

-You know that the Losties are having a game of The Weakest Link? Well, next door, the Heroes are having their very own game, with David Hasselhoff as the host.-

**Simone: **DICK CHENEY! It was DICK CHENEY!

**Hasselhoff: **No, Simone, Dick Cheney did NOT direct the High School Musical franchise.

**Claire: **Honestly Peter, why did you ever go out with her?

**Peter: **Maybe I was desperate. Maybe it was my floppy haircut.

**Nathan: **What does your haircut have to do with this?

**Peter: **Dude, I looked like a friggin' emo.

**Claire: **He's right, Nathan.

**Hiro: **I'm liking your hair now, Peter!

**Niki: **Yeah, it's sexy!

**Peter: **-To Hiro- Good thing I'm hooking up with her in the future, eh?

**Hiro: **Uh, no. I reversed it. The bad future, it not happening anymore! You and Niki - no!

**Peter: **Damnit! What about Jessica?

**All: **NO!

**Peter: **Jesus christ. Do I ever get to bang another hot girl on this show?

**Niki: **Well, you're not banging me.

**Jessica: **OR me.

**Niki: **Jessica, shut up!

**Jessica: **No, you shut up!

**Nathan: **It's so friggin' weird when she does that.

**Niki: **You think I can help this?

**Simone: **I should have had a power..

**Peter: **You did have a power Simone, the ability to annoy.

**Isaac: **Hey, leave Simone alone! She's a human being!

**All: **Shut up, Isaac.

-Suddenly, John Locke and Claire Littleton enter.-

**Claire: **Locke, I don't think this is the way to the snack machines..

**Locke: **Are you saying I'm a lousy tracker?

**Claire: **No, but..

**Locke: **THEN DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO!

**Isaac: **Yo, OLD GUY, could you shut up?

**Peter: **Yeah, we're trying to win some money over here!

**Locke: **And who the hell are you?

**Isaac: **I am Isaac Mendes, the best painter of all time. I can paint the fu--

**Jessica: **Basically, he was this guy who got killed off on the show a while back.

**Locke: **Ah, that explains it. So, who are you people? Redshirts on Lost? Cuz if so, I have a score to settle..

**Nathan: **Woah, woah! Put down the knife, old man. We're off another show.

**Hiro: **Heroes! And my name is Hiro!

**Claire: **Your name is Hero?

**Hiro: **No, no. _Hiro._

**Claire: **_Hero?_

**Hiro: **Arrgh, screw you!

**Nathan: **Calm down, little buddy.

**Hiro: **Flying man, he will crush you! All of you! YATTAAAAA! (Thanks SassyLostie)

**Claire: **Hum. So, your name's Claire?

**Claire 2: **Yeah.. so's yours.

**Claire: **Yeah. You're blonde too, I see.

**Claire 2: **Yeah, but I'm a natural blonde, sweetie.

**Matt: **Woah, okay.. this is about to get messy.

**Sylar: **I hope they make out.

**Mohinder: **Everybody! Just CALM DOWN! We're supposed to be having a game of--

**Eden: **_I really think you want to shut up right now, Mohinder._

**Mohinder: **Okay, go right ahead Claire's.

**Matt: **Is that how I ended up eating donuts? You KNOW I was trying to cut down, Eden.

**Eden: **Well, what was I supposed to do? You were about to bust me!

**Matt: **Yeah, but--

**Nathan: **Oh get over it Parkman, it was almost a year ago.

**Peter: **Yeah, get over it, Parkman!

**Mr.Bennet: **Does he always kiss your ass like that, Nathan?

**Nathan: **Every single goddamn day.

**Locke: **Okay, I hate to break up this.. whatever it is you guys are doing. But this is a LOST fanfic, NOT a Heroes fanfic. So, scram! Go on, you know what Mr.Eko gets like when he's angry!

**Simone: **Isn't Mr.Eko dead?

**Eden: **Are you KIDDING me?! I never even watched Series 3 yet! Thanks a lot Simone!

**Matt: **Yeah, thanks Simone!

**Peter: **See what I mean? The power to _annoy._

**Claire 2: **Are you guys gonna get the hell out of here or are we gonna have to make you?

**Locke: **Please, I'm John Locke. I can take you all down.

**Claire: **He does speak the truth. And I bet I'm more annoying than Simone, by the way.

**Mohinder: **Yeah, you are, actually. I mean seriously.. the 'MY BAAAYBBAAAYYY' thing got really, really old during Series one.

**All: **...

**Eden: **Wow, a side to Mohinder we've never seen.

**Sylar: **Wait, didn't you shoot yourself in the head in Fallout?

**Eden: **Umm, no, you're thinking of.. Edern. Yeah, I'm _Eden._

**Sylar: **Yeah, sure.. prepare to be debrainelized!! Muhahaha!!

**Mohinder: **_Debrainelized? _What the hell? I thought you were this mastermind!

**Sylar: **Look, I try, all right? But I can't be this genius all the time. I need time off, people!

**Jessica: **I say we kick this pansy's ass right now.

**Niki: **No, Jessica! Just shut up, all right?

**Jessica: **No, you shut up!

**Niki: **No, _you--_

**Matt: **This could go on for a while.

**Mr.Bennet: **Yeah, I see what you mean. Nathan? If you will?

**Nathan: **With pleasure.

-Without another word Nathan grabs Niki/Jessica and flies right out of the door with her.-

**Mr.Bennet: **Don't worry, she can return once she is able to control that hella' annoying alter ego of hers.

**Claire 2: **Uh, dad? She can't?

**Mr.Bennet: **Ohh, umm.. okay.. well.. damnit Claire, why are you always stealing my thunder??

**Mohinder: **You ruined your father's heroic moment there, Claire.

**Locke: **But he isn't her father! Nathan is--

-The Heroes all look at him.-

**Locke: **Ohh, spoilers.. hehe, sorry.

**Mr.Bennet: **Anyway, I think it's time for you two to hit the road..

**Peter: **Yeah, like, pronto.

**Claire: **-to Heroes Claire- THIS ISN'T OVER!

**Claire 2: **Kiss my Texan ass, bitch.

**Claire: **Hmph!

**Locke: **Well, it was very nice meeting you all. Now come along, Claire.. Jack will be back from babysitting PeeWee in exactly three minutes.

-They exit.-

**Simone: **-singing- Raindrops are fallin' on my head.. but that doesn't mean--

**All: **SIMONE! SHUT - UP!

_**AN: **__Lolzz! I know it's not Lost, but it sort of was.. right? Anyway, whatever. I did this because I was thinking of doing a similar sort of thing for Heroes once I finish this. Tell me what you think and if I should do a Heroes Weakest Link after finishing this one! Thanks! xox_


	28. Jack spills the beans

**Jack: **Great news, everyone! The writers have given me info on what's happening in Season 4, in advance!

**Sun: **Wow! What happens? Is it the Dharma Initiative?

**Charlie: **Do the Polar Bears return?

**Desmond: **Do ah' start bangin' Claire?

**Kate: **Tell us, Jack!

**Jack: **Oho! So now everyone wants to know! Well, the writers have trusted me with this. Do you really think I'd give it up for--?

**Kate: **Hey everyone, guess what? Well, once, Jack and Peewee--

**Jack: **Okay, stop, STOP! I'll tell you..

**Kate: **Worked like a charm.

**Jack: **Right, -takes out small piece of paper- according to this, the following happens in this upcoming season. Desmond starts banging Claire..

**Desmond: **Ah knew it!

**Jack: **Kate finally realizes that she likes women, a giant squid attacks the island, and Nikki and Paulo rise from the dead and.. kill.. everyone.

-Silence-

**Nikki: **Come again?

**Charlie: **Wait a sec, you're trying to tell us that the end of Lost, one of the most intelligent shows on television right now, results in the very dead Nikki and Paulo rising and killing all of us?

**Jack: **Uh... yeah.

**Charlie: **That's a load of bollocks!

**Paulo: **Why? It could happen.

**Charlie: **So this happens at the end of Season six??

**Jack: **Actually, it happens at the very beginning of Season four. Umm..

**Sawyer: **But if we're all dead, then how the hell..?

-Everyone starts thinking-

**Boone: **I think I know what's going to happen. When everyone dies they'll all rise from the dead aswell and it'll become this Zombie-filled island.

**Sawyer: **Like Dawn of the Dead?

**Claire: **Sounds interesting..

-Everyone looks at her-

**Claire: **WHAT! It does!

**Kate: **It sounds stupid, and shouldn't happen.

**Jack: **Okay, Missus Cranky, I think it sounds swell, I can't wait to turn into this flesh eating zombie.

**Locke: **Don't tell Kate what she can and can't think, Jack.

**Jack: **Shut up, John.

**Locke: **The steam opens up my pores.

**Shannon: **Uh, aaaaanyway.. aren't you guys supposed to be playing a gameshow or something right now?

**Libby: **Yeah, that's just what I was thinking.

**Jack: **Well, we were, before that bitch went and got hammered..

-They all look at Anne who is sitting with a bottle of wine singing to herself.-

**Charlie: **DAMN! Whose gonna ask us questions now??

**Hasselhoff: **That would be me, Charlie.

**Kate: **David Hasselhoff?? You're back??

**Hasselhoff: **I certainly am, Kate. Now, let's get down to business. Plus, everyone who got voted off or died or whatever, just leave the room. Right now, please.

-They do, reluctantly.-

**Hasselhoff: **Right, let's get down to business! Okay--

**Anne: **It's raining men, hallelujah!

**Hasselhoff: **Ummm...

**Anne: **It's rainin' men, AMENNNN!

**All: **SHUT UP!

**Anne: **Pfft, did you guys know JK Rowling announced that Dumbleydore, you know, off Parry Hotter? He's gay, you know. Did you know that?

**Jack: **Really??

**Charlie: **She's having us on, mate.

**Anne: **Absolutely SOAKING WETTTTTT!!!

**Kate: **Oh christ, I said I was gonna contain myself, but I'm gonna whup that bitch's ass in a minute!

**Sawyer: **Go on, it'd be nice to see some girl on girl action since I missed out on you and Juliet goin' at it before.

**Kate: **Sawyer!

**Sawyer: **What?? Just tellin the truth!

**Libby: **Typical man, just wants to see some lesbian action.

**Desmond: **Ah wudn't mind either, brutha'.

**Charlie: **Yeah, me too.

**Jack: **Me three!

-Everyone looks at him-

**Jack: **Ah.. I mean, JOCKE FOREVER! Umm.. Jate.. forever..? Oh, come on people! Stop staring at me like that! STOP IT!!!

**Hasselhoff: **Come on people, be nice. Just because Jack has a problem figuring out his, ah, sexuality..

**Jack: **Okay, I said I wasn't gonna cry again, but this is too much!

**Ben: **Lolz, you just got owned.

**Desmond: **Ey, did anyone hear about the Pilot ah did??

**Libby: **Really Des? What was it about?

**Desmond: **It wus' called, _Unky Des._

**All: **...

**Kate: **Unky.. Des.. ?

**Desmond: **Aye sistah, that wus it. Unky Des. Well, it wus about me, mah' name was Unky Des, an' it wus about how ah had to look after my three nephew's all day while their mum went out to play Bingo. It wus fun but it wus dropped by abc.

**Libby: **Aww, poor you.

**Desmond: **Aye, the theme tune was the best, sistah. It went like this..

_Unky Des,_

_Unky Des,_

_Does whatever an Unky Des does,_

_Can he swing_

_From a web_

_No he can't_

_He's not a pig_

_Look outttt, it's Unky Dessssss_

**Jack: **Didn't you just rip that from The Simpsons Movie?

**Desmond: **Oh noe brutha, it's different lyrics, aye?

**Kate: **...Not, really..

**Charlie: **Hey, sounds a bit like Michael's new hit TV show, Unky Mike!

**Desmond: **Unky.. Mike..

-Goes mad-

**Desmond: **AAARRGGGHHH! That sonofabitch stole ma' show, brutha!!

**Kate: **Now now Des, I'm sure it wasn't done on purpose..

**Libby: **Yeah it was. I saw the show, and the theme song. Sounds exactly the same, the plot is the same aswell.

**Desmond: **THAT DUS IT!! AHM GUNNA KILL THAT MICHAEL DAWSON!!

**Hasselhoff: **Okay Des, I've put up with you until now but now I'm sayin, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN BOY! We're gonna get through this gameshow crap and we're gonna start RIGHT NOW! So unless Jack wants to talk about gay shipping, or Kate wants to talk about being pregnant OR Libby wants to talk about how she preferred her hair in the finale of Season two, WE'RE GETTIN RIGHT DOWN TO BUSINESS RIGHT - NOW!!! YA'LL HEAR ME?!?

-Silence-

**Hasselhoff: **Good. Now..

**Jack: **Umm, I'd like to talk about gay shipping some more, please?

**Hasselhoff: **Okay, this is it, I'm completely ignoring you now, we're getting right onto the questions? Okay? Right, here we go!

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!!_

**Hasselhoff: **Desmond, what is the name of Michael's son?

**Desmond: **Grrrr.. Michael.. I mean, Walt.

**Hasselhoff: **Correct. Kate..

**Kate: **Bank!

**Desmond: **What was the name of Ben's father?

**Kate: **Roger Workman!

**Hasselhoff: **No, the correct answer was Roger _Linus. _Libby, where does this quote come from 'I'll never let go, Jack!'

**Libby: **Ummm.. an episode where Jack and Kate are... you know!

**Hasselhoff: **What a filthy mind you have, Libby. The correct answer was _Titanic. _

**Libby: **I haven't seen that movie.

**Charlie: **You should! Leonardo DiCaprio is totally fit in it!

-Silence-

**Charlie: **No, I'm not gay, so don't start getting any ideas Charlie/Desmond shippers!

**Kate: **Hehe.

**Hasselhoff: **Jack, what is the name of the first episode of Season four?

**Jack: **The Dharma Initiative Kills Everyone?

**Hasselhoff: **No, it's The Beginning of the End. Ben, what was the name of the song played at the very beginning of Season three?

**Ben: **_Downtown _by Petula Clark!

**Hasslhoff: **Correct. Charlie..

**Charlie: **Bank.

**Hasselhoff: **In what episode did Kate and Sawyer discover a briefcase holding a small plane that once belonged to the man Kate got killed because she was a selfish little bitch?

**Kate: **Thanks David, appreciate it.

**Charlie: **Tom?

**Hasselhoff: **That's correct! Jin, our favourite Korean!

**Jin: **Are you trying to annoy me?

**Hasselhoff: **Dude, you speak English?

**Jin: **No, you're speaking Korean. JOKE! GOT YAH! HAVE A CLUCKITY CLUCK DAY! HAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!

-Nobody is laughing-

**Jin: **Hmm.. I'm embarrassed..

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!!_

**Hasselhoff: **Times up, you uh, banked some money.. I can't remember how much. Good work, guys! Now, let's see whose getting voted off next!

**Previously On Lost Guy: **_Desmond is the strongest link, having answered the most questions correctly. Libby is the weakest link. But how will the voting go?_

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!_

**Kate: **Libby.

**Jack:** Libby.

**Libby:** Oh noez! KATE!

**Sawyer:** Moonbeam!

**Desmond:** MICHAEL!!! I mean, Libbeh. Sorreh, sistah.

**Charlie:** Libby..

**Jin: **Umm.. Pfft.. whatever. Libby!

**Ben:** LIBBY!

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!_

**Libby: **So everyone voted me off? I thought we were friends, you guys!

**Jack: **Well, seeing as you're the only dead character left in the game, we thought it was only best to vote you off..

**Libby: **WHAT?! Charlie's dead!

**Ben: **Yeah, but people will remember him for decades to come! Nobody even remembers you!

**Libby: **-sniff-

**Ben: **Oh, bitch gonna cry.

**Kate: **Leave her alone, you guys! Oh, forget it. I'm the only woman left in the show! How much do I rock?? Come on, say it! I rock!

**Jack: **-sigh- You rock, Kate.

**Kate: **Woooo!

**Hasselhoff: **Well, that's it. Libby, you are the Weakest Link, goodbye.

**Libby: **Pfft, shut up David. You can't even sing that well anyway.

_-Backstage-_

**Libby: **Well, I guess my days of smoking crack and marijuna are over. Just kidding, I'm high right now! Bye kids!

_END OF ROUND FIFTEEN_

_**AN: **__Well, there you have it! Libby is gone! We're reaching the end of the game now, only a few people left! Anyway, review away, thanks!_


	29. Sawyer is traumatised

**Kate: **Des?

**Desmond: **Aye?

**Kate: **You haven't seen Jack anywhere, have you?

**Desmond: **Can't say ah' have, sistah'.

**Kate: **Gah, this is just typical. I told him to stay close!

**Desmond: **Err, why?

**Kate: **Because... Sawyer has gone all Jack the Ripper and stuff, because I rebuffed his pathetic sexual advances.

**Desmond: **And you think tha' he'll be afta' our lad Jack?

**Kate: **Yes, exactly!

**Desmond: **Oh. Aright, then.

-Hasselhoff enters with a now sober Anne-

**Hasselhoff: **Okay guys, I think she's ready for the next round. Be careful though, with all the coffee I gave her she might need to take a few breaks during the round to visit the little girl's room.

**Anne: **I do apologize for my foul behaviour.

**Jack: **Well, ya know whaaat? We DON'T forgive you! Stupid lady!

**Kate: **There you are! I've been looking allover for you!

**Jack: **Why??

**Sawyer: **HERE'S WHY!

-Sawyer appears holding an axe. He swings it at Jack, who narrowly dodges.-

**Jack: **Dad? I thought you died?

**Sawyer: **...Umm, what?

**Kate: **I think he had too much whisky.

**Ben: **You're kidding! Did he drink it all?? I was going to use that stuff to get Juliet drunk so I could--

-They all stare at him-

**Ben: **Umm.. get her to.. sing It's Raining Men, cause Anne sang it so well before.. umm..

**Hasselhoff: **It's okay, Ben, we'll ignore the fact you were going to try to take advantage of Juliet and get on with the round, eh?

**Sawyer: **Screw that! I need to kill Jacko over here, for takin' ma' Freckles away from me!

**Kate: **Oh James, would you grow up? Go and find Juliet, she's a slut, and I heard she's up for anything.

**Sawyer: **_Really?_

**Ben: **I know you DIDN'T just call the love of my life a SLUT, Austen.

**Kate: **Oh yeaaah? What ya gonna do, Linus? Get your Other posse onto me?!

**Anne: **You insufferable morons, settle down. I want to be out of here by six.

**Kate: **Stay outta this mothafucka, dis between ME, and the HEAD OTHER here!

**Jack: **Word, homie.

**Kate: **Jack, shut up, you're not my homie.

**Jack: **-Sniffles-

**Anne: **This is total BS. Kate, you're a slut and a loser, with too many names to keep track of. Ben, your eyes are too wide, your head is shaped like uh... a PEAR, and your hair is funny! Ha! Who's laughing now, eh?

-Silence-

-TOTAL silence-

**Kate: **Only me, at your dumbass insults.

**Ben: **LOL!

**Anne: **Shit, I can never win. Okay, let's do this!

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!_

**Anne: **Desmond, what is the name of Rose's husband?

**Desmond: **Bernard, brutha'.

**Anne: **Correct. Kate..

**Kate: **BANK!

**Anne: **Erm.. name of Juliet's second flashback episode?

**Kate: **One of.. wait, I know this one.. One of.. One of Us! See? Hahaha!

**Anne: **Correct. Charlie, in what episode did Boone meet his end?

**Charlie: **Do No Harm!

**Anne: **That's correct. Wow, you guys are on a roll, for once..

**Jack: **Yes, we're so clever.

**Anne: **Whatever you say. Sawyer..

**Sawyer: **Bank.

**Anne: **Does Niki really have a brain, or was she manifactured by the Others to LOOK like a castaway, hence the reason why she appears to be a brainless buffoon?

**Sawyer: **Hmm.. false, that girl had brains when it came to...

-Kate stares warningly at him-

**Sawyer: **When it came to uh... them bugs. Y'know, the bugs that Artz had.

**Charlie: **Arzt.

**Sawyer: **Yeah, whatever.

**Jack: **Hey, does anyone remember Arzt?

**Kate: **Yeah! I did him a 'favour' once I think.

**Ben: **Yeah, I remember him. What a nice man.

**Charlie: **What are you talking about? You didn't even meet him!

**Ben: **Yeah, well I could have done! I'm tired of being out of the loop here! You bullies! Waaaaa!

-Ben breaks down crying-

**Anne: **Ummm... the answer was true, she WAS manifactured by the Others, as was Paulo. Therefore, both were completely void of any brains whatsoever.

**Jack: **So _that _explains it.

**Sawyer: **I had sex with a ROBOT?!?

**Anne: **Jin, what was the name of Boone's nanny?

**Jin: **Those pants definitely make you look fat.

**Anne: **WHAT?!? YOU CERTAINLY PICK YOUR MOMENTS, DON'T YOU JIN! I BOUGHT THESE FROM PRIMARK, HALF PRICE! THEY WERE HAVING A SALE! I THOUGHT, HEY, WHY NOT?!? I WANTED TO IMPRESS DESMOND! HE WASN'T SHOWING ANY FEELINGS FOR ME ANYMORE!! CHRIST, WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO GET SOME GODDAMN RESPECT AROUND HERE?!?!?

-Silence. Everyone is freaked out-

**Hasselhoff: **Umm Anne? Do you need to sit down?

**Anne: **I need vodka. NOW!

**Hasselhoff: **Okay, okay. Calm down. You were sober twelve weeks before today, do you really--?

**Anne: **VODKA!!!

**Hasselhoff: **Sheesh, fine, whatever you say lady.

**Anne: **Jack, did Ben kill his father?

**Jack: **Umm.. no?

**Anne: **Incorrect. Kate..

**Jack: **-Swallows and moves away from Ben-

**Ben: **I'm so... alone. -Sniffs-

**Anne: **Kate, what does 'said' mean?

**Kate: **Said, said... isn't it.. doesn't it mean... WAIT, I KNOW THE ANSWER! HIPPOPOTOMUS!

**Sawyer: **Hippo-what..?

**Kate: **NO WAIT! HE'S A TRANSPONSER!

**Jack: **That's not even a word!

**Anne: **Okay, both were, unfortunately, incorrect. Sawyer..

**Sawyer: **Wait, I had sex with a ROBOT?!? I'M TRAUMATISED! Okay, ask me the question.

**Anne: **Name the woman you fell in love with, conned and impregnated.

**Sawyer: **Hmmm... began with a J... ended with an E... I think it's June.

**Anne: **Her name is Cassidy, you dumb hick.

**Sawyer: **Sorry if my memory is a little blank right now but I'm coming to terms with the fact that I HAD SEX WITH A ROBOT!!

**Kate: **Oh jesus, get over it already!

**Anne: **Jack..

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!!!!_

**Anne: **Times up and you banked a measley £300. Who's ready to face the music? It's time to vote off, THE WEAKEST LINK!

**Previously On Lost Guy: **_Jack is the strongest link, having answered the most questions correctly. Sawyer is the weakest link. But how will the voting go?_

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!_

**Kate: **Sawyer.

**Jack: **The Hick.

**Sawyer: **I HAD SEX WITH A ROBOT?!?

**Desmond: **Sawyer, brutha'. An' Anne, I nefa fogot about ya. Ah' just had a drink with Penneh and.. ya know.. shit happens.

**Charlie: **SAWYER!

**Jin: **Kate. Wasn't kidding about the pants, Anne.

**Ben: **Ugh, Freckles for dissing my lover.

_DDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!_

**Anne: **So Des, why Sawyer?

**Desmond: **Because he had sex with a robot, sistah'.

**Anne: **Are you against sex with robots?

**Desmond: **Aye, well there was this one time..

**Anne: **I don't think we need to hear about that Desmond. Kate, why Sawyer?

**Kate: **He's annoying, I don't love him, and he obviously likes Juliet, and sex with robots.

**Sawyer: **I HAD SEX WITH A ROBOT!!!

**Anne: **Sawyer, you are the weakest link, goodbye!

_DDDDDUUUUUUUNNNNN!_

**Sawyer: **ROBOTS! SEX!

_-Backstage-_

**Doctor: **Sawyer is going to one of our finest infirmaries. There he will rest and come to terms with the fact that he had sex with a robot. Sawyer has enjoyed his time on the show. Wave bye bye, Sawyer!

**Sawyer: **-drools- I.. bye.. sex... Kate... robots...

_END OF ROUND SIXTEEN_


	30. Charlotte and Daniel hit the scene

_**AN: **__Hello! I hope you haven't forgotten me. I know this story has been on hiatus for some time now but I finally found the time to update it. I've had some good ideas since Season four started so expect to see a few new characters popping up, including the ever amazing Daniel Faraday! Anyway, I hope all my old readers are still around to review. Sorry about the long wait. By the way, there will be some serious spoilers for season four, and when I say serious I MEAN serious, so unless you have no intent on seeing the fourth season I strongly suggest you don't read. _

**Anne: **-Sigh- Hello, and welcome to Round Seventeen of 'The Weakest Link', the most retarded edition yet: The Lost Edition. I've been here about seventy hours straight trying to do this and I could really use a drink. Also, I just discovered my husband has found out about my affair with Al Pacino, so I could really do with wrapping this up. What do you say, gang?

**Ben: **Don't disturb me now. I'm in mourning.

**Kate: **Aww Ben, is it because of your daughter?

**Ben: **No, Juliet left the iron on too long and burned my favourite shirt.

**Desmond: **Ya' mean the one that says 'Number One Dad'?

**Ben: **Yeah, that's the one. -Sniffs-

**Anne: **Moving along, we really should..

-Double doors suddenly swing open, and in walks a mysterious man. Smoke appears at his feet as he seemingly glides into the room.-

**Anne: **And who might you be?

**Mysterious Guy: **Telling you my name.. it's not really.. my.. primary objective.

**Kate: **Shit, it's Daniel.

**Charlie: **Who?

**Jack: **Kate's _boyfriend. _Season four stuff, you wouldn't understand.

**Kate: **He is _not _my boyfriend!

**Jack: **Then how come you were flirting with him constantly in episode two?

**Kate: **I was trying to get the information out of him!

**Jack: **Huh, yeah, information. Sure.

**Anne: **So this.. is.. Daniel?

**Daniel: **Yes.. I am.. Daniel.. Faraday.

**Random Woman: **DANIELLLLLL!!

-A random woman comes running in. Her hair has been bleached blonde. It looks funny.-

**Random Woman: **Daniel you pillock! Look what you did to my hair!

**Daniel: **Dyeing your hair that.. colour.. wasn't exactly.. my primary objective.

**Charlie: **Why does he keep saying that?

**Ben: **Don't ask.

**Daniel: **Charlotte, I didn't mean to do it that way. You know I told you I wasn't an experienced hairdresser.

**Charlotte: **YOU TOLD ME IT WOULDN'T GO WRONG!

**Kate: **Ladies, Ladies, let's just calm down here.

**Charlotte: **Oh, it's _you._

**Kate: **Yeah bitch, what you gunna do?

**Anne: **Okay, let's just stop this.

**Jin: **I know something you don't know!

**Kate: **What? Tell me!

-Jin whispers it to Kate and she grins-

**Kate: **Oh my.

**Charlotte: **What? Is it about me?!

**Kate: **Maybe.

**Charlotte: **Tell me you little witch!

**Kate: **Yo, I'm from Iowa and I could kick your little British ass all the way home, so just lay off, aiight?

**Charlotte: **I'd sure as hell like to see you try.

**Kate: **Shut up, ginger!

**Charlotte: **You shut up.. brown haired.. attractive.. woman!

**Kate: **You really want to know what Jin said?

**Charlotte: **Please enlighten me.

**Kate: **He tells me that you _like _Daniel.

**Charlotte: **WTF? I wouldn't like that little mong if he was the last man on earth!

**Daniel: **Ahem. Thanks for that Charlotte.

**Charlotte: **Well, who would? Frank, maybe.

**Charlie: **WHO?

**Anne: **Oh god, I need a drink.

-Sometime later-

**Charlotte: **Okay, we're done.

**Anne: **Finally? Sure you've got no more last minute insults to hurl at eachother?

**Kate: **We're sure.

**Anne: **-Sigh- Okay, then we can finally begin. We'll start with the strongest link from the last round, that's you Jack. It's time to play -- THE WEAKEST LINK!

_DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!_

**Anne: **Jack, what is Keamy's first name?

**Jack: **Martin.

**Ben: **How on earth did you know that?

**Jack: **Hehe, spoilers!

**Anne: **That's correct. Kate, in whose flashforward did Charlie reappear?

**Kate: **Hurley's.

**Anne: **That's correct. Desmond..

**Desmond: **Bank, brutha'.

**Anne: **What is Hurley's favourite show?

**Desmond: **Transformers?

**Anne: **No, it was 'Expose'. Charlie..

**Locke: **-ahem-

-Everyone turns around-

**Anne: **Um, what's the problem, Locke?

**Locke: **...I'm dead? Why isn't anyone mourning me yet?

**Jack: **Wait a sec, you're dead?

**Locke: **That I am, Jack. Did you not read the latest script?

**Jack: **No I haven't had a spare moment. How does it happen? Do you die in a heroic way, like in some blood sword fight? Or maybe just a quick bullet to the head? Do I wring your neck by any chance?

**Locke: **The answers will come to us in due time.

**Kate: **Answers, always frickin answers. But the thing is they never _do _give us any of those answers, do they?

**Desmond: **Calm down, brutha'. Am sure we'll get them eventually.

**Locke: **Is everyone forgetting the fact that I died?

**Ben: **No. We just don't care.

**Kate: **Lol, pwned.

**Charlotte: **Who cares if you died? You weren't exactly an important character.

**Daniel: **Umm, Charlotte?

**Charlotte: **Yes, Daniel?

**Daniel: **-Whispers in her ear-

**Charlotte: **_Oh. _Well don't blame me, I'm new here!

**Jin: **I can't believe I'm really gone.

**Kate: **It's okay, Jin, I'm sure the writers will bring you back somehow.

**Sun: **Oh yeah, like you lot aren't to blame. We could have gone back for him!

**Kate: **Where the hell did you come from?

**Charlie: **Erm, so who was in the coffin again?

**Locke: **I was.

**Charlie: **But.. but.. that makes no sense.

**Locke: **You think so too? You see, I've always had faith in you Charlie.

**Sun: **How frikkin badass am I in the flashforwards though? I mean did you see me? I was the sexiest Korean lady in London that day!

**Jack: **Yeah, after you met with Charles he called me and just said, "Daaaaaamn."

**Kate: **I daresay you're more badass than Mister Locke here.

**Locke: **Bitch say wut?

**Anne: **As lovely as this flood of spoilers is to me, music to my ears infact, could we please get on with this?

**Jack: **Yeah, sure, but first can I please--?

-At that moment the double doors burst open and someone, or _something, _entered the studio. Everyone's jaws dropped and they stood there in a momentary silence, too scared to say a word. Anne was the first to speak.-

**Anne: **My.. my God.. it's _you!_

_TBC_

_**AN: **__Sorry.. I'm too tired and I just had to get this bitch uploaded so you'd know I wasn't dead.. anyways, new update coming soon, I ABSOLUTELY PROMISE YOU!_


	31. Kate needs a razor

_**AN: **__Okay I lied. But anyway, Yeah baby, I'm back! Probably everyone has forgotten I even existed but yeah bitch, deal with it. New chapter, after what seems like a zillion years. Sorry about that. Personal crap I was going through, you know how it is :P Anyway, I'm going to start introducing some season five characters and whatnot, and DEFINITELY address the Sawyer/Juliet thang! If I spoiled that for any of you guys I'm sorry, but yeah.. so yeah, just enjoy this crap, if you can._

-It has been three years since Charles Widmore from the past burst into the studio and accused Locke of stealing his toothbrush from 1955. Or whatever year it was when those dudes were holed up in the fifties. Then, to everyones sheer surprise, Widmore used his cool hi-tech thingamagiggy to transport them all THREE YEARS INTO THE FUTURE! Yes, yes, I know I'm awesome. How the hell do I think this stuff up?-

**Anne: **-coughs loudly- What the...?

**Jack: **Are we dead?

**Kate: **There's something heavy on my back.

**Jack: **-looks- Kate, you appear to have a small blonde child sitting on your back, most probably crushing your spine. I'd offer to help but, you know, I need to go check my reflection, it's been atleast fifty seconds since I did so.

**Anne: **I think it's been longer than that, Jack.

-Anne points to a random cameraman laying dead on the floor nearby. Not only is he dead, but his skeletal remains are all that.. erm, remain.-

**Charlie: **Holy crap! Where are we?

**Charlotte: **I dunno, but it doesn't look anything like Disneyland to me.

-Silence-

**Daniel: **Charlotte..? Disneyland?

**Charlotte: **-slowly realizes- OH! I was in my happy place again. Sorry about that.

**Desmond: **Ahm scared, brutha', what is this place?

**Jin: **Looks to me like we're in a bit of a piffle, old chap.

-Silence-

**Jack: **Jin, you can talk?!

**Jin: **I could always talk, you fool.

**Kate: **But you're speaking English.

**Jin: **Damn girl, you're right! This is really strange.

**Locke: **And hey, I don't look like a decomposed corpse anymore! This is pretty odd.

**Kate: **Seems to me like something fishy is going on around here. What do you think, Ben?

**Ben: **Well, unless I'm mistaken, which I probably am, we've moved through time.

-Exaggerated gasps-

**Juliet: **-bursts in- Guys, I was drinking a milkshake and then I fell asleep. When I woke up, it had turned a weird green colour. Was still pretty nice, though. Anyway, what the hell happened out here?

**Anne: **We've moved through time, apparently.

**Juliet: **Hm. That _might _explain why I woke up to find Sawyer humping my leg. He told me he was doing it because he read the latest script. Apparently, me and Sawyer have some kind of deal where I pay him to have sex with me.

**Kate: **You _what?_

**Juliet: **Seriously. He does prefer me to wear a paper bag over my head, of course.

**Jack: **Okay guys, there's probably a really logical explanation to what's happening here. We can't be _moving through time, _that would just be ridiculous.

**Anne: **Then how come your hair's grown past your knees already?

**Jack: **WHAT?! KATE, GET ME A RAZOR! A RAZOR!

**Kate: **Are you serious? Have you actually seen what _I _currently look like?

-It appeared that Kate was sporting a very long and hairy beard and 'stash. Jack couldn't help but laugh.

**Jack: **So you're the creature from my nightmares.

**Kate: **Speak for yourself. Thinking of joining the Bee Gees anytime soon?

**Jack: **Back up a minute, bitch. Did you just say that _to me?_

**Kate: **I might have done. -Walks right up to him- What are you going to do about it?

**Jack; **Don't get in my face.

**Kate: **I'll get in your face if I damn well.. ouch!

-The blonde child from before is pulling at Kate's moustache.-

**Jack: **Who the hell is this?

**Kate: **-shrugs- Beats the hell out of me. He must be a new character.

**Everyone: **-hisssss- New character..

**Sun: **The new ones _suck. _They don't bring anything to the story.

**Jack: **I don't know where you came from, but I agree.

**Charlie: **We should try to get him fired.

**Kate: **Who are you to talk? You left this piece of crap show years ago. I mean, what's your name, seriously? I forgot it.

**Ben: **Yes, I'm having trouble recollecting it aswell.

**Charlie: **G..guys.. it's me.. Charlie. YOU ALL EVERYBODAY! YOU ALLLLL EVERYBODAY!

-Silence-

**Charlie: **You.. all.. every..body.

**Charlotte: **THIS PLACE IS DEATH! DEATH, YOU HEAR ME? DEATH!

**Kate: **lolwut?

**Anne: **We pretty much established that from the twenty to thirty dead bodies laying around our feet, Charlotte.

**Charlotte: **Just.. making sure you.. understood.

**Kate: **Guys, I just realised! This little shit here is Aaron!

-Gasps of surprise-

**Jack: **Aaron?! But he was like.. only just born, wasn't he?

**Aaron: **It's been three years, you moron. I've grown up.

**Ben: **A three year old who can not only talk but curse at the same time. Lovely.

**Desmond: **Looks like tha' little brat needs changin', brutha'.

**Kate: **Well, um.. hey, what are you looking at me for?

**Charlotte: **You're the brats mother, or so the script says.

**Kate: **Script? What script? You haven't read any script, you liar! You're dead for Christ's sake!

**Charlotte: **I'm still here _in spirit. _And my spirit read the latest script, FYI.

**Kate: **Come on,how do we know it's not, um.. Sun? Yeah, Sun! Wasn't she pregnant?

**Sun: **The baby isn't Korean, is it, you absolute moron.

**Kate: **Okay, give me that script.

-Kate grabs the script and takes a look. Then she snaps it shut, fuming.-

**Kate: **Okay.. so I'm Aaron's NEW mom. But where the hell is Claire?

**Jack: **Shacked up with my father.

**Kate: **Shacked up with your.. wait, say that again.

**Locke: **Look, I think we need to just move out of here, it's obviously not safe.

**Charlie: **But the doors are all locked tight.

**Anne: **We might aswell finish the game then.

**Charlotte: **Yeah! If we finish, maybe we'll be freed or something.

**Anne: **Unfortunately this isn't Mission Impossible, Charlotte. This is the real world. Isn't that shocking?

**Charlotte: **Oh, turn it up, I LOVE Jeronamo Jackson..

**Anne: **She's insane. That just proved it.

**Christian Shephard: **You're right, Anne.

-Silence-

**Jack: **Daddy...?

**Christian: **What's crackin' son. I just came to give ya'll the lo' down on how to get out of this hellhole.

**Anne: **Please tell us quickly.

**Jack: **Wait, dad, where's Claire?

**Christian: **I sent her out to get groceries. Anyway, you guys need to finish whatever the hell it is you're doing here, and then you need to.. move the studio.

**Jack: **Move it? How?

**Christian: **Hell if I know. Do I look like I make up the rules?

**Daniel: **Moving the studio.. wasn't.. our primary objective.

**Christian: **Well, you're going to make it your primary objective, Daniel. Because if you don't, you're all doomed to spend eternity here forever. With eachother.

-Pause.-

**Christian: **Without razors.

-Jack and Kate scream-

**Anne: **So we have to--

-She stops. Everyone turns around and see's that Charlotte has put a Jeronimo Jackson record on and is now dancing to it. However, she is dancing the 'Macarena' dance, which does not fit with the song.-

**Anne: **Someone kill her, please. Now.

_I PROMISE, I ABSOLUTELY PROMISE YOU I WILL UPDATE AS SOON AS I CAN! I HOPE THIS WAS OKAY, BUT IF IT WASN'T, SORRY :(_


End file.
